Welcome back to Midweek Madness, where this week all the tabloids are speculating on the Kardashian Paris robbery, Brad just wants to see his kids, and Bennifer 2.0 are either adopting a baby or one of them is hooking up with Taylor Swift! Allons-y, mes amis!


OK!

Maybe you thought Sandra Bullock and her boyfriend Bryan Randall were headed for happily ever after, but that’s just because you—unlike Sandy’s spiritual advisor—are not a psychic! (Fig 1.1) “The psychic told Sandra that there’s something in his past that could change everything,” an insider tells OK!. “Sandra believes what she hears from her because she’s been right in the past.” If only her psychic had warned her against making All About Steve.

Tori Spelling is pregnant with her fifth child and apparently she’s telling people that the baby is “the reward for her and husband Dean McDermott recommitting to the marriage after his infidelity.” Hm, yes! How all reasonable/responsible parents make decisions! Too bad sources tell OK! that Spelling REALLY considers the baby a “reward for the family’s bank account.” Congrats, you two! We did the ultrasound and the doctor says you’re having a cash calf!

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Did you know that Johnny Depp had Amber Heard’s nickname “SLIM” tattooed on his knuckles? Did you know that after their breakup he had it changed to “SCUM”? Whether you dig or not, Kathie Lee and Hoda are giving their opinions on whether or not it’s cool to have a tattoo of your partners name and Kathie Lee only approves if the ink isn’t permanent. So, like a henna tattoo?

Here’s OK!’s list of celebrity deadbeats:

  • Jon Gosselin (can’t pay child support)
  • Lindsay Lohan (can’t pay her Chateau Marmont bill)
  • Lil Wayne (has debts with a pyrotechnics and a jet company)
  • Serena Williams (didn’t tip)
  • Jeremy Piven (tipped with an Entourage DVD)
  • Tyga (failed to pay rent and had his Maybach repossessed)
  • Nicholas Cage (owed the IRS $40 million)

Moving on!

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Tori and Dean aren’t the only couple having a baby as a “reward.” According to OK!, “it’s been clear for sometime that [Jennifer Garner]’s split from Ben Affleck...isn’t happening.” (Has it???) As one insider puts it, “they’ve fully recommitted to their marriage.” The couple, “in tribute to their newly rebuilt relationship...have decided to finally move forward on something Jen has long wanted to do: adopt!” [Insert homerbackingintohedge.gif here.]


Star

Star has the inside scoop on Kim Kardashian being robbed at gunpoint in Paris and guess what? HER STORY DOESN’T ADD UP! (We’ve determined otherwise.) “Insiders say that Kim may desperately need the insurance money on her jewelry to help pay off her husband Kanye West’s mountain of debt,” they report. Hmmm, I didn’t see Kanye on OK!’s list of celebrity deadbeats so this seems very unlikely, but tell me more...

Their reasons for doubting:

  • Kim didn’t lock up her jewelry
  • She didn’t look upset enough during interrogation (fuck you, Star)
  • She was alone without her bodyguard.

Well, that’s convincing! Lock her up and throw away the key!

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Listen up, Joshua Jackson fans! Pacey is sick—just plain sick—of you asking him for relationship advice! “Josh hates being rude, but he’s lost count of the number of times he’s been at a bar or coffee shop and a fan has approached him for relationship advice.” Honestly? I would read a full article about who these fans are and why they trust Joshua Jackson so much.

Jon and Kate Gosselin are “the most hated reality stars of all time!” Whatever!


Life & Style

Life & Style is taking a much softer, less accusatory approach to Kim’s horrifying ordeal (which had her robbed at gunpoint and hog-tied in a bathtub), claiming that Kim is no longer willing to participate in Keeping Up with the Kardashians because she feels it’s putting her and her family in danger. “Kim’s been hysterical and told mom Kris Jenner that she’s quitting the show,” says a source (probably Kourtney). Kris, on the other hand, wants to use her daughter’s trauma as a plot line. How motherly of her.

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You know who’s really itching to date Brad Pitt? Literally ever woman in Hollywood, possibly the world. Here are a select few of them:

  • Jennifer Garner
  • Kate Hudson
  • Selena Gomez
  • Britney Spears
  • Jordin Sparks
  • Khloé Kardashian (okay, girl...)

Meanwhile, Amber Heard just wants to date Angelina Jolie. They probably have a lot in common, now that I think about it.

OH NO. Miley Cyrus “said she didn’t feel [her relationship with Liam Hemsworth] was strong enough to continue with [wedding] plans.” And we already bought them a gift! Speaking of Miley and weddings, Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani are arguing over whether or not to invite her to their made-up nuptials. According to one source, “Gwen doesn’t want her at their wedding” because she’d wear something to upstage her. You’re fake marrying Blake Shelton, Gwen. Literally anyone can upstage you.

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At the youthful age of 26, Taylor Swift is ready to freeze her eggs. (Fig. 2.1) “After a string of failed relationships, Taylor told friends she’s looking into freezing her eggs,” says an insider, later adding, “By freezing her eggs, she feels like she can relax about finding the right man.” Do what you gotta do, Taylor.

Did you know there’s a person named “Ash Stymest?” There is and he’s dating Lily-Rose Depp. You also want to know an embarrassing fact? I recognized the engagement ring of Real Housewives of New York’s Luann de Lesseps on sight.


In Touch

“BRAD TAKES THE KIDS” announces this In Touch cover and it’s true! He took them! For one full afternoon monitored by the Department of Children and Family Services in an undisclosed location! That said, his eldest son Maddox wanted nothing to do with him and “was very aloof during the visit.” And don’t take Brad out of the running for custody of the kids yet. According to sources, he has a unique trick up his sleeve. Just kidding, it’s convincing the courts that Angelina Jolie, his soon-to-be ex wife, is crazy—a tactic men have been using since the beginning of time. Fun!

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Also in In Touch, Khloé Kardashian’s new boyfriend, Cleveland Cavaliers’ Tristan Thompson (I know, I can’t believe she’s dating a basketball player, either!), already has a girlfriend. Better still, she is pregnant, but nothing—not even common decency—will stop Khlo and Tristan from going full steam ahead, all within the lens of the paparazzi. Double fun!

As your Nick Jonas fan blog probably already noted, Nick has not been photographed topless since June. The reason? “Nick isn’t showing his pecs any longer,” a source says. “Fans taunted him on the internet by blowing up his nipples in photos. Ever since, he’s become nipple-shy.” (Fig 3.1) The same thing happened with me and my fans, Nick. Feel free to reach out if you need some advice or support.

Hey, remember what I said before about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner reuniting and adopting a baby? Well, FORGET IT because there’s a new lady in Ben’s life and her name is Taylor Swift. According to In Touch, Ben first met her backstage at a concert and was “totally blown away by Taylor’s beauty and charming personality.” Meanwhile, “Taylor thinks dating someone like Ben, who is well-respected in Hollywood, could help repair her tarnished image.” Dating a still-married actor with rumored gambling addict would definitely do that!

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Also in In Touch: Tom Cruise allegedly confiscated his Uber driver’s phone, demanding to search it for photos and texts about him. Shouldn’t Scientology be providing him with a private car service at this point? Over at the Today Show, female staffers are revolting over having to work with Billy Bush after he was heard egging on Donald Trump’s sexist comments in a leaked video. Kristen Stewart looks exactly like Draco Malfoy these days (fig 3.2), but this cat looks nothing like Rachel McAdams (fig 3.3).


Fig. 1.1

Fig 2.1

Fig 3.1

Fig 3.2

Fig 3.3