Hey, would you like me to tell you about the most offensive dessert in the entire history of human sugar consumption? Meet this awful six-layer mashup of icing, cake and three different types of pies, ridiculously dubbed the “Cherpumple.”

Fuck this whatever the hell this thing is. Says Today:

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When it’s time to bring out the big guns for Christmas dessert, there’s only one recipe you need: the mighty Cherpumple. Technically six (yes, six!) desserts in one, the Cherpumple combines cherry, pumpkin and apple pies with three different flavors of cake, all stacked high under a blanket of cream cheese frosting.

Um, no it’s not “six desserts in one” because icing on its own is not a dessert unless you’re licking the mixing attachments or you’re going through a breakup and eating it directly from the Pillsbury container.

Further, WHY WOULD YOU ICE PIE?

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We’ve already figured out pie! Nailed it! Pie is a perfect, bounded entity. It doesn’t need to be changed or bastardized by an over-eager food blogger who finally got her shot on the Today Show.

Don’t you ever in your life do this.

EDIT: It seems I misread and the six different deserts comes from three different types of pie and three different types of cake—a detail I assume my brain skipped over to save me from dropping dead from horror.


Contact the author at kara.brown@jezebel.com .

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Images via The Today Show.