So, I was just bopping through my typical morning routine today, hate-reading the Daily Mail and watching Corey Feldman interviews on YouTube (yikes, don't hold back, Wendy Williams!), when an auto-play pop-up ad overwhelmed my screen. It was a commercial for milk—part of their new campaign, "Milk Life"—encouraging viewers to fuel their activities with the power of milk.

Advertisement

Now, as an avowed fan of milk, do-er of activities, and disliker of osteoarthritis, I was intrigued. Tell me more about living this "Milk Life," advertisement!

Ohhhhhhh, yeah, you know what? I think I saw another Milk Life commercial, um...somewhere...on the internet the other day. I'm pretty sure it was the Japanese version, though. I couldn't understand what they were saying, but they were definitely all about that milk life.

:-|

Advertisement

WHAT I'M SAYING IS THAT IT LOOKS LIKE THESE PEOPLE ARE SO EXCITED ABOUT BASKETBALL AND DOG-WALKING THAT THEY LITERALLY EXPLODE INTO WATERFALLS OF HOT JISM.

And then at the end some of the jism sprays into a glass AND A GIRL DRINKS IT.

Advertisement

Sponsored

And then the voiceover lit'rally says, "This is what eight grams of protein looks like."

This.

Advertisement

Is.

What.

Eight.

Advertisement

Grams.

Of.

Advertisement

Protein.

Looks.

Advertisement

Like.

I mean, was this ad conceived of, written, filmed, acted in, narrated, scored, edited, and distributed by one person? Because there is NO CONCEIVABLE WAY that it could get past a committee of TWO without someone noticing the fact that this is a commercial about massive amounts of ejaculate coating an unsuspecting neighborhood like a fucking firehose.

"Milk Life."