Welcome to Grim Yelp Reviews, a regular feature where we share people’s worst experiences at the worst places. This week: I feel pretty, I feel oh so—oh, man.

Beauty is different for everyone. For you, it’s a fresh and snappy haircut. For your aunt, it’s a new gel manicure. For me, it’s anything that covers up these pesky horns, or at least draws the eye away from them. But beauty nightmares, well, those are universal: anything that makes you look bad, feel bad, or leaves you lacking eyebrows.

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That sad, overly bleached and and not-cute place, friends, is where we gather today. Grim Yelp reviews of beauty salons tend to be particularly anguished because, well, this is your appearance we’re talking about here. When someone bleaches your tips so hard they disintegrate, or leaves you with a mons pubis full of ingrown hairs, you take it a little hard. We’ve divided these reviews into three categories: Hair, Nails, and Pubes. Oh, the pubes.

To protect the names of the innocent and not-so-innocent alike, we’ve redacted the names of the businesses, as well as the identities of the Yelpers who wrote the reviews. We realize you can probably find out all of that information by employing five seconds of Google magic, but that’s on you.

Here we go!

Hair

This cannot be true, but I love it anyway:

And then there’s this hair salon, located, uh, somewhere, that has pretty solidly bad one-star reviews across the board. But the truly wonderful thing is how they’ve chosen to respond.

Here’s a sample review:

STAY AWAY!!! WARNING to any women dealing with hair issues, alopecia etc.. These are some of the most UNEXPERIENCED people, they are ONLY IN IT FOR THE MONEY. I went to them for other solutions for my hair issues, I was pawned off on 2-3 other people OH! Not before they pushed the contract for me to sign which was the length of a mortgage agreement. I should have known then that I being SCAMMED. The unit ( lace front wig) that I signed (the mortgage contract) was OVER PRICED they referred to it as there best. It knotted up within the first week. They used tape to secure the top part, didn’t last a week, I was told this would last for at least a couple of months with follow up appointments , REALLY, I knew that I had been BAMBOOZLED the moment I walked out of this salon, I cried” due to the amount of money I had just been swindled out of for something I could have and now do for myself. [Redacted] and her family of HUSTLERS are OPPORTUNIST that TAKE ADVANTAGE of women looking for solutions with major hair issues. EXTREMELY OVERPRICED, POOR SERVICE, QUALITY & PRODUCTS!

Several people complain that they’ve gotten responses from the salon owner that are, let’s say, not very apologetic:

THIS IS AN ADDENDUM TO MY REVIEW ABOVE: over the past two days since I posted this honest and truthful assessment about this business I have received TWO HATEFUL EMAILS FROM [Redacted]. The latest is copied here:

Hi [Redacted]

[Redacted] has sent you a message on Yelp:

RE: Your comment on my review of [Redacted] Salon

“Your full of sh*t. What is your name, instead of your bullsh*t Yelp names?”

Occasionally, the salon owner — who appears to be using a stock photo of a random business-suited man — weighs in on Yelp themselves:

Wonderful. Nothing weird going on here, definitely not.

Nails

This lady walked in for a manicure and walked out with an extra permanent feature on her face. Fun!

The entire time during both mani and pedi, the owner or manager or something kept telling me about other services like eyebrow tattooing, eyelash perm, etc. Well, it just so happened that i had been wanting to get my brows tattooed again for a while and my friend has wanted to get her lashes permed. Weeks after our initial visit to [Redacted], we went back to do just that because their prices were good and they talked a good talk. BIG MISTAKE. HUGE =(

the first thing asked when i walked in was how long it was going to take because my coworker had a meeting at 3pm and it was 2pm. We said we were definitely going to do it, just wanted to know if we had time now or come after work. The lady said 30 mins. long story short I told her several times that my friend had a meeting at 3pm and had to be done before then. My friend was late for her meeting, her lashes were not curly, and my eyebrow tattoo left me with a rogue dot above my eyebrow. I told her about it and she said that she must’ve gotten nervous. I would never recommend this place to anyone and I can’t believe I even trusted something so important to this chop shop.

This is, uh, the same place that was accused of being a secret bordello in our “hair” section. Once again, this is probably not true, but it is hilarious:

Pubes

Uh, ok, this is the same place again and I’m actually starting to wonder what the deal is?

Moving on! Repeat after me: A discount wax is a bad wax.

I got a Brazilian wax here right before Thanksgiving. It was a huge mistake.

The beautician who performed the wax DOUBLE DIPPED. They use the same can of wax for all waxing purposes, even for eyebrow waxing.

That means if you’ve ever gotten an eyebrow wax here, chances are, you’ve had someone’s butt crack germs on your face. (Yuck!)

It was more painful than any Brazilian I had ever gotten before, and there were hairs left in every pore. EVERY PORE. Little stubbly hairs that she went over three or four times with the wax and then with tweezers, and at the end, they were all still there.

It took over a week to recover. I could not walk or wear underwear or function.

Now, several months later, I have horrible red bumps all along the parts that were waxed. But here’s what’s strange: not only are the bumps on the waxed parts, but they have spread and are all over my body. They’re now on my belly button, by breasts, my sides, and my arms. I have never removed hair from any of these places so they can’t be regular wax bumps.

I am on a swim team and you can see the bumps all along my pubic area in my bathing suit. Not to mention, the reason I got the wax in the first place was because I would be spending a week with my boyfriend over the Thanksgiving break. I am horribly embarrassed of my body thanks to [Redacted]. The only reason I am writing this review is to save someone from making the same mistake.

All in all, I wanted to save a few bucks (their Brazilian is $35) and I ended up paying the price from the repercussions of this wax ever since.

AVOID AT ALL COSTS.

And finally, prepare to experience some sympathy pangs in your labia, even if you don’t have one:

Pretty grim! Until next time, I’m going full hermit so I never feel compelled to do any of this shit to my body ever again.


Contact the author at anna.merlan@jezebel.com.
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