There Are No Gays in Sochi, Says Super Heterosexual Mayor of SochiS

Fantastic news to the world's most talented athletes who also happen to be gay! You're more than welcome at this year's Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia, but there are a few "lifestyle" caveats the Russian authorities would have you know about— first, you will be expected to "respect Russian law" and second, you must never EVER impose your very gay habits on others. Not quite sure what that means, but I'm guessing it has something to do with glitter-bombing. Whatever. You weren't planning on doing that anyway.

One other thing you should be aware of — you and your fellow, foreign gay competitors will be the only gay people to ever reside (however briefly) in Sochi, Russia. This information comes directly from Sochi mayor Anatoly Pakhomov who told BBC Panorama that "We do not have [homosexuals] in our city."

(Interesting note: The BBC reporter spent the evening before the interview inside a Sochi gay bar that did indeed have gay people in it.)

When challenged about his assertion that Sochi was a Homo Free Zone, Pakhomov replied, "I am not sure [if there are homosexuals here], but I don't bloody know them."

Please. Somebody tell him about the Kinsey scale stat and standby for Pakhomov's own gay scandal in 3...2...1.

P.S. Good luck stopping imposition of sexual habits (gay or otherwise) at the Olympic Village. Everyone knows that place is Fuck City.

Image via AP Images.