Theory: Humans Became Dominant by Getting Freaky With Other Species

Hey, y’all! It turns out that a bunch of inter-species boinking helped the modern day human become dominant! Or that’s what a recent DNA analysis may indicate.

One of the biggest question marks in the long and tumultuous saga that is human history is how Homo sapiens (upright tablet junkies and kale chip eaters, aka people like you and me) came to be the last species of humans on earth. A lot of scientists thought H. sapiens, being the special breed of jerks that we are, either killed off other human species or made babies faster than them and ate all their food. Classic H. sapiens move.

New DNA analysis might prove this old theory wrong, contending instead that H. sapiens just interbred with Neandertals and other archaic humans, literally fucking them into oblivion. Despite being nimble touch screen navigators, we’ve got a decent sized chunk of DNA from Neandertals (This explains my annoyingly hairy knuckles.* Damn you, Neandertal DNA!) The new DNA discoveries are prompting scientists to figure out how many H. sapiens decided to get their freak on with other species, where they got down, and if we benefitted positively from their sexcapades. If unibrows are the result of some H. sapiens bro seducing a Neandertal, though, I’m going to make a time machine, travel to 40,000 years in the past and cock block him so none of us have to deal with getting our eyebrows did again.*