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In a nice turn of events (for once!), last night an adorable squirrel monkey who'd been stolen from the San Francisco Zoo was returned to his owners unharmed after missing for two days. The monkey, whose name is Banana Sam (which might be the perfect monkey name) was "hungry, trembling and thirsty" when he was returned to the zoo but otherwise in good health. Oh, the heart strings, they are being tugged with an alarming force! More »
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Two men are wanted by police after they approached a group of Girl Scouts outside a Wal-Mart in Bowie, Maryland, asked how much their cookies were, and then stole their cash box. The thieves were not only mean but also dumb, because they did not take any cookies. More »
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You've had enough time to consider whether it's wrong for a man to steal a loaf of bread to feed his starving family, and now there's a new question to ponder: Is it wrong for a tired and hungry pregnant lady to consume a chicken salad sandwich in the grocery store before she gets to the checkout? Though it was a Honolulu woman's failure to pay that led to her 2-year-old daughter being taken from her by the state, the misunderstanding over a sandwich has raised questions about whether or not it's acceptable to dig into groceries while you're still in the store. More »
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The Army is warning online daters about a disturbing form of scam: thieves pose as US soldiers stationed overseas, pledge their (fake) love to women, and then bilk them out of thousands. Some scammers even steal the identity of actual servicemen to make their pleas more plausible. More »
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Good news and terrible news, pet owners. The good news is that even if your pet gets lost by an airline, there's a chance that it will be found alive, living in the ventilation ducts months later. The bad news is that once your pet gets found, it might be almost dead. And if your pet's never found, it might be because some asshole stole it and sold it to a lab. There is literally a petpocalypse happening right this minute. More »
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If you had to guess the food that was the most often stolen from stores, what would it be? Booze? Steak? Chewing Gum? Nope, it's not any of those. It's cheese. That's right, according to a new report from the Center for Retail Research, cheese is the most commonly stolen food item in the world. More »
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A woman in charge of helping the Girl Scouts organization manage money has stolen a non-Thin Mint from her employer, and now she's Do-Si-Do'd her way into trouble with the law. More »
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Here's a pro tip: If you told your boss you're destitute, don't invite him to the over-the-top wedding that you paid for with money stolen from his office. Kirsty Lane of Lancashire, Britain decided it was a good idea to invite her boss, Peter Sutton, to her wedding, even though she paid for her limo, jewelry, bridesmaids dresses, and matching Ugg boots (oh boy) with money from his business accounts. Sutton began to suspect that his part-time clerk was stealing from him when he attended her wedding at country estate, complete with a harpist, magicians, a saxophone player, and fireworks. Yesterday Lane pleaded guilty to stealing $273,000 from Sutton's audio-visual firm and nearly putting him out of business. He said of the event, "It was like she was rubbing our faces in it ... I trusted her implicitly and this was how she repaid us." More »
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A 67-year-old Illinois man says his pregnant Midge doll, which he claims is worth $400, has been stolen. Some people apparently complained about the doll when she was released in 2002, because she was not sold with a spouse. However, the real problem is that her "magnetic, detachable stomach" and removable fetus are creepy as shit. More »
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Three Cincinnati teenagers tried to rob a woman Wednesday, choosing her as their victim because she was pregnant and therefore "vulnerable." One shot her in the hip, landing her in the hospital. More »
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Keep an eye out for 700,000 ultrathin Japanese condoms! A shipment worth $1.5 million disappeared while being transported to Tokyo from Sagami Rubber Industries' factory in Malaysia, AFP reports. More »
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Best slap her on the wrist and send her back to rehab. In the meantime, a fun thought exercise because it's Black History Month: what if Lindsay Lohan were Latrell Lohan, 19-year-old black man from Chicago's 20th ward? More »
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• Lindsay Lohan — who is being accused of stealing a $2,500 necklace from the Kamofie & Company jewelry store in Venice — can allegedly be seen on surveillance video taking said necklace from said store.

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In February 2009, Chris Devers took a picture of an old Jaguar, and posted it on his Flickr photostream. Yesterday, someone contacted Devers, writing: "This photo is on an outfit my wife bought at Baby Gap." More »
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Reckless texter Cathy Cruz Marrero fell into a shopping mall fountain while messaging her church buddy and achieved Internet fame. Now the media's ridiculing her for her criminal record and unresolved theft charges. She's our new Ted Williams! More »
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In a strange new form of e-crime, a reader let us know that his OkCupid profile had been stolen — and used to spy on another user. More »
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Remember Noah Smith? He was arrested for burglarizing someone's house while on shrooms. The Smoking Gun assumed the "mouse" in his rectum was a rodent; but it turns out it was the kind you click. Still: Uncomfortable, no? More »
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A middle-aged woman robbed the cash register at an Oklahoma McDonald's Tuesday — while wearing men's underwear paper-clipped to her face. Fast food fans beware — this cunningly disguised real-life hamburglar is still at large! More »
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A Canadian businessman arranged to buy a $3.3 million South African diamond, then claimed it was lost by customs at JFK. He sold it to a U.S. jeweler and went on the lam, sparking an international battle over the gem. More »
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Degas' "The Chorus" was stolen overnight from Marseilles' Cantini Museum. The painting, on loan from the Musee d'Orsay, is worth $1.14 million. Investigators suspect "an intruder, a visitor to the exhibition or an inside job." [Breitbart] More »
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Britain's National Archives is posting online records of crimes from the 18th and 19th centuries. At the beginning of this period, over 200 crimes were punishable by death, including forgery, wearing blackface, and "stealing from a rabbit warren." [TimesOnline] More »
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With the holidays fast approaching and the economy continuing to get worse, police are reporting a 10 to 20 percent increase in shoplifting across the country. How should retailers deal with this increase? More »
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Utah cops say a woman stole two 14-karat gold bracelets from a pawn shop by swallowing them. The bracelets, valued around $2,000, have been recovered. Police spokesman Jeff Bedard says he doesn't know just how the jewelry was collected. And frankly, we don't want to know. [CBS News] More »
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Fave Lindsay Lohan news of the day: Evidently, our girl LiLo swiped an $11,000 mink fur coat at a private party that a bunch of rich, young people were attending in NYC in January. Masha Markova, a 22-year-old college student, attended the party and left the coat—an heirloom from her grandmother—in a bin with other coats. When it was time to leave, it was gone. Two weeks later, while flipping through OK!, Markova spotted a paparazzi shot of Lindsay wearing the coat on the night in question. She called her lawyer, who then called Lindsay's lawyer, and two days later, she got the coat back, which was "reeking of cigarettes and booze with a slight tear in the lining." Markova is requesting $10,000 from Lindsay for "the unauthorized, three-week rental." [NY Post] More »
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