Welcome back to Pissing Contest, where every week we try to outdo each other with our craziest real life stories. Today, the Jezebel staff is feeling a little rough after a Thursday night spent welcoming new staff writer Bobby Finger with karaoke and too much beer, so we’re using our pain to inspire this week’s theme: The Worst Place You Ever Got Sick. (Did someone throw up at the office today? Who can tell!)

But before you get into it, here are the winners of The Dumbest Excuse You Ever Heard.

theboogiecat:

My brother and his (then) wife were already in town for our wedding. They were staying in the same hotel as my parents and my sister and all the other wedding guests. Come the wedding, though, they were a no-show and had checked out of the hotel. Asked for an explanation, he said “I forgot where the wedding was taking place.”

ziggybloodlust:

“I’m not going out for your birthday because you didn’t come to my FUCKING GHOST PARTY!”

And last but not least, MenstrualKrampus:

Real conversation from about 4 years ago, between me and my husband who was supposed to have quit smoking:

Me, “You smell like cigarettes. Have you been smoking?”

Him, “No, of course not.”

Me, “Why does your hand smell like it was holding a cigarette? It really reeks of cigarette smoke.”

Him, “I don’t know. Maybe a smoker touched a doorknob and then I touched it and that’s why.”

Me, “...”

I still haven’t let him live that one down.

Congratulations, winners!

Now tell us your stories of poorly-timed food poisoning, public vomiting, dramatic fainting and sudden fevers. But most importantly, first come over with aspirin.


Contact the author at madeleine@jezebel.com.

Image via New Line Cinema.