The Worst 9/11 Commemorative Crap Your Money Can Buy

It seems slightly unfair to all the tacky, patriotic stuff across the United States to draw attention this one national tragedy and our collective desire to “remember” it through obesssive consumer culture. But there’s just something about 9/11 that has prompted budding entrepreneurs everywhere to put on their thinking caps and charge money to Their Fellow Americans for objects that are not only not needed on any level but are often also entirely distasteful.

We should give credit where credit is due: Sometimes part of the proceeds go to September 11th-related charities. In fact, often a whole $9.11 of your purchase GO TO A GOOD CAUSE!! As an [DISCLAIMER] All-American Patriot who grew up in New York City and was blocks from the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001, I have found that despite those occasional good intentions of humans, if we didn’t think Americas were gross before September 11 and we didn’t think so immediately afterwards, over a decade down the line, we’ve certainly had it proven with every single dollar spent.

9/11 Forth of July Boxers for Men, $16

“The fly is fully functional,” the perfect place to put your 1 World Trade Tower-shaped penis – before it blew up/the girl you were sleeping with went all terrorist on your junk with her vagina.

Patriotic September 11th Memorial Coffee Gift Basket, $44.99

BONUS FREE SET OF COASTERS. Plus biscotti, which conveniently starts to look more and more like a crumbling building as you dip it into your coffee.

A 9/11 Mailbox, $12,550

“9-11 Shattered steel mailbox for everyone lost, heavy steel, 1-1/2″ bolt-down install.” Also known as “art.”

iPhone case remembering the firefighters, $15

“Hi yes, I’d like to place an order for two extra-large pizzas with everything on them…What’s that?…Yes, I am calling from my 9/11 Memorial Cell Phone, so if you could give me that 5% discount for being a True American, that would be great.”

Commemorative 9/11 Firefighter Axe, $52

“Awesome and unique way to honor the fallen firefighters of 9/11,” says seller GiveEmTheAxe. One anonymous buyer agrees, writing that he or she “will keep this seller on my favorites list for future gift ideas!”

9/11 Never Forget tie, $35.95

Customize it!

9/11 Livestrong Bracelet or Pencil, $4/$1

Would you rather announce that you took a trip to one of the few sites in the United States at all comparable to a concentration camp on your wrist or through a unique pencil? (Sorry, no sharpener available at this time.)

“This Girl Will Never Forget” T-Shirt, $22.99

THIS girl will never forget. That whore over there…I don’t know about her.

September 11th 10 Year Anniversary Pin, $3.95

You may recall that “Let’s Roll!” is what Todd Beamer said on Flight 93 as he and his fellow passengers revolted agains the terrorists who had taken control of the airplane they were on. Beamer then died and is probably floating around heaven, utterly grateful that his words are now carved into a pin that retails for less than a five dollar bill, totally without context.

9/11 Love Birds Wedding Cake Topper for Decorations, Showers, Gifts, $49.95

“We will not forget Flight 93 and Having our Freedom Threatned [sic] that we Hold So Dear, so if you know of someone that would appreciate these love birds, or that has been personally affected, this is your perfect gift.” You know, for their wedding or baby shower.

Fake 9/11 Anniversary Remembrance Coin, $29.95

Props to the National Collector’s Mint for always being creative/trying to dupe people into thinking that they are purchasing actual legal tender that doubles as a pop-up book.

And finally…

Never-released 9/11 Precious Moments figurine

You are the wind beneath the wings of both planes that were driven into those buildings on that sad and beautiful fall day.