The World Is Getting a Show About Donuts Because It's What We Deserve

The Cooking Channel's Donut Showdown pits professional donut makers against each other, cruller v. cruller, for a $10,000 prize. It sounds like a direct rip-off of Cupcake Wars, but who cares? Donuts > cupcakes, and everyone knows that.

You know who knows that the most of all? Bagels*. Bagels need to warn cupcakes — do not try to fuck with a donut, because a donut will red wedding your whole damn family. I'm pretty sure there are a couple Noah's Bagels that are huddled in a corner right now while a giant donut (in a top hat and tails) berates them for their insubordination and lack of sugary coating.

Get your fat pants (those are my regular pants) (I'm fat) ready — the Donut Showdown premieres on the Cooking Channel on July 3rd.

*Obviously this doesn't include (most) New York bagels.