The Super Blood Moon Is Coming: A Guide to the End of the World

Everyone gearing up for an awesome and chilled-out weekend? Well, too bad. Because on Sunday, a rare lunar phenomenon known as the Super Blood Moon is occurring, and it means in no uncertain terms that the end of days is coming. Forget the hundreds of other times when the world was definitely ending—this Sunday is 100 percent the apocalypse, and it’s going to be metal as hell.

Before we get into our serious, incontrovertible astronomical prophecy, let’s clear up the scientific nature of the Super Blood Moon. Last appearing in 1982, the Super Blood Moon occurs when a lunar eclipse coincides with a supermoon (which is when a full moon is at perigee, or at the closest point to Earth on its orbit).

On Sunday, the full moon at perigee will look 14 percent larger and 30 percent brighter than usual. With the lunar eclipse on top of it and the sun’s light blocked by Earth, the refracted light around the Earth will make the moon glow red, kind of like a sunrise or sunset.

It’s rare for all these things to come together at once. There have been only five Super Blood Moons in the past 115 years, and the next one is expected to occur in 2033. It’s a thrice-in-a-lifetime opportunity (four if you’re lucky), and though of course it heralds the end of the world (obviously) it’s still (or especially) worth getting amped about.

“It’s a beautiful sight in the nighttime sky,” said Mark Hammergren, an astronomer at Chicago’s Adler Planetarium told CNN. “It’s a way of connecting us to the universe at large. It gives us this view that there’s a bigger picture than just what we’re concerned with in our daily lives.”

By bigger picture, he means apocalypse!

This is the last Blood Moon of a tetrad (or the fourth in a six month period) if you hadn’t heard, which means nothing good for humankind. Over at the Rapture Bible Prophecy Forum, Luis B. Vega has a lot to say about the Super Blood Moon and the World Economic Reset, two things that are definitely fact and 100% connected. The fact that the Super Blood Moon is falling on the Jewish holiday Sukkot is, apparently, super, super bad news.

“If the total lunar eclipse of the Sukkot Super Blood Moon is a type of the Rapture, then having the Church out of the way would allow the AntiChrist to formulate the New Order and currency, the Mark out of this designed chaos.”

He’s not the only one speaking truth to the moon. Try Texas Christian minister John Hagee, who is putting the Super Blood Moon on blast for fulfilling a biblical prophecy. In his 2013 book, Four Blood Moons, he writes about the significance of the Super Blood Moon taking place this weekend.

Over the last 500 years, blood-red moons have fallen on the first day of Passover three separate times. These occurrences were connected to some of the most significant days in Jewish history: 1492 (the final year of the Spanish Inquisition when Jews were expelled from Spain), 1948 (statehood for Israel and the War of Independence) and 1967 (the Six-Day War). Every heavenly body is controlled by the unseen hand of God, which signals coming events to humanity. There are no solar or lunar accidents. The next series of four blood moons occurs at Passover and Sukkot in 2014 and 2015.

Well, it’s hard to argue with that.

Hagee points to “direct connections between four upcoming blood-moon eclipses and what they portend for Israel and all of humankind,” and that prophecy says there will be a “world-shaking event” between last April and this October. And in case you want to see the vague progression of events come the Super Blood Moon, check out this passage from the Book of Joel in the King James Bible: ‘The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood, before the great and the terrible day of the Lord comes.”

The signs have been here for anyone watching. Donald Trump running for president is not a harbinger of lasting prosperity. All those celebrity breakups? The rich and famous are like canaries in coal mines, people. Angry Birds: The Movie? As if we weren’t going to be punished by the universe for creating that. Meanwhile, at home, my cats are scratching at the closet doors all night these days, as if they’re trying to escape The End.

Naturally, scientists are all, “There’s no evidence that the world is ending.” But they are probably in on the New World Order and thus cannot be trusted.

According to NASA and other unverified members of this vast conspiracy, you can see the harbinger of the end days with your bare eyes on Sunday night. They’ve also provided some photography tips, (in some morbid game wherein they encourage you to photograph the end of the world).

They suggest you to have a person or landmark in the shot for reference, and rest assured that you can take pictures of it on your smartphone if it has a sharp focus. The best time to see it is between 10:11 p.m. EDT and 10:47 p.m. EDT, following which you’ll be too busy trying to survive the apocalypse to pay much attention to the sky.

“But what if the world doesn’t end,” you’re probably worrying right now. Well, then just straight-up mess with people. Take a note from Columbus, and use the eclipse as an opportunity to swindle and fraud your way into some cool shit.

Back in 1504, he warned natives in Jamaica that God was super pissed that they hadn’t given Columbus and his men all their finest provisions. Knowing that a lunar eclipse was taking place, he also told them that, to show just how displeased he was, God would inflame the moon.

So, when the blood moon did appear that night, everyone freaked out and gave ever-greedy Columbus all kinds of stuff. So maybe find a stoned pal, make sure they aren’t up on their astrological phenomena, and use this Super Blood Moon to get some free pizza or something.

Image via YouTube

Bridey is a freelancer writer based in Washington, DC. More of her work can be found here.