It’s the middle of the football season, which means it’s the height of older male demographic TV season — which means it’s PDE5 inhibitor advertising season.

Cialis is out with a couple of new 60-second spots in fairly heavy rotation, while Viagra is silent. For now. Which makes sense. Competing dick pill commercials would confuse the fuck out of already confused Men 50 And Older facing uncertain retirements. (I’m a member of this group. No, not the ED group, the uncertain retirement group.)

Look for Pfizer to have a new Viagra ad out by the NFL playoffs. Heck, Eli Lilly (seller of Cialis) and Pfizer probably have jovial marketing meetings where they divvy up the dysfunctional dick demo hot spots.

The new Cialis spots both feature three men. Because of the pesky FDA, dick pill marketers can’t do real testimonial advertising, which is fine by them because they then get to cast actors who’ve been focus-grouped to a fare-the-well to be handsome, but not too handsome.

But what if these actors were actual real men with pharmaceutically enhanced dongs that could get hard both at a moment’s notice, and for 36 hours thereafter?

Ted

The Sexy Sexually-Active Men of Erectile Dysfunction Ads

Teddy Ballgame is a failed minor league pitcher who never got the call to The Show. After leaving baseball, he went into life insurance sales, where his salt and pepper good lucks have charmed clients so successfully that Ted was able to put a tennis court in his backyard. Now, he and his 10-years-younger wife go on Christian Swingers (they’re atheists) to invite couples over for some mixed doubles. Despite their open marriage, Ted is still fucking his secretary on the sly.

Clint

The Sexy Sexually-Active Men of Erectile Dysfunction Ads

Texan Clint is a just-retired oil refinery shop foreman whose second wife is a former B-movie star sex addict 20 years his junior. Clint was able to wrangle Cindy thanks to a small fortune stockpiled from insider crude futures tips. When not engaged in six-hour six-position marathons, Clint likes to build things, soothe his chafed penis with natural ointment, and sleep.

Michael

The Sexy Sexually-Active Men of Erectile Dysfunction Ads

New Yorker Michael is a partner at a Manhattan marketing firm. He and his wife, Marta —15 years his junior — have a summer cottage on Lake George. Michael’s heart is healthy enough for both rowing and sexual activity. Their lakeside neighbors all know Michael has taken his Cialis when he and Marta head out in the rowboat because they’re both wearing lifejackets. One of their neighbors, an investment banker, often watches them with a telescope.

Jim

The Sexy Sexually-Active Men of Erectile Dysfunction Ads

Jimbo (featured on the Cialis homepage) is fucking nonplussed that his dick has stopped working properly. He’s only 52 goddamn years old, and he’s in better shape than all the goddamn 25 year-old noodle-armed girlie-boys in too-skinny jeans he works with at a hot Silicon Valley tech startup (where he’s a barely functioning sales executive, but the [male] CEO thinks he’s hot). He surfs pixelated Asian porn (he only likes pixelated Asian porn) all day at work, while his much younger (all Cialis users have hot younger wives) wife works as a top sales executive at a rival Silicon Valley tech giant. Jim often tells his co-workers “umbrellas are for fucking pussies.”

NOTE: The second current Cialis spot, which features “Clint” and two other couples including an African-American pair, is nowhere to be found. Both Pfizer and Lilly never post these spots online, because they are ruthlessly mocked by the internet mob.)