Jezebel: The Onion

Another Congressional Dumbass Thinks The Onion is Real

Erin Gloria Ryan — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 15:45:00 EST

A Republican Congressman from Louisiana has become the laughingstock of the internet after posting a story from The Onion to his Facebook wall and then commenting on the sad, sad, evil state of the world. Congressmen: just like us! Or, rather, just like our elderly conservative great uncles who think that an "Abortionplex" is a real thing. More »

Witch Comes to Claim Beyonce's First Born

Madeleine Davies — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 19:20:00 EST

If you thought nothing could spoil Blue Ivy's birthday celebration, you were wrong. The witch who blessed Beyonce with her beautiful singing voice has returned for what she was promised and, in the words of fictional gossip columnist Bryan Spees, "that crone ain't giving back that baby." More »

Anne Hathaway Confesses To Irrational Hatred For Random New England Woman

Margaret Hartmann — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 12:50:00 EDT

Have you ever wondered if Jennifer Aniston finds you boring, Gwyneth Paltrow thinks you're kind of pretentious, or Kim Kardashian wonders why you even got hired in the first place? More »

Yelpers Review Imaginary $8 Billion Abortionplex

Irin Carmon — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 13:27:43 EDT

Yelp reviews for the mythical Abortionplex follow classic paradigms: "Just don't get what all the hype is about....I had to wait FOREVER for a Fallopian Innertube," and "This place was so much cooler when...." Best: "My Walgreen's abortion was better." More »

Will People Vote For Sarah Palin Out Of "Morbid Curiosity"?

Margaret Hartmann — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 11:22:00 EST

The Onion News Network "reports" that 62% of Americans may vote for Sarah Palin just to see what happens. Maybe we're looking at this all wrong. Her "America: Let's Go Out With A Bang" platform does sound exciting! More »

Girl Raised By Wolf Blitzer Struggles To Re-Enter Society

Margaret Hartmann — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 15:25:00 EDT

Meet Molly, the 10-year-old girl raised by Wolf Blitzer. She still speaks to imaginary friend "Christiane Amanpour," but thankfully she's stopped raving about how CNN has the "best political team on television." More »

Free Summer Events Are Free For A Reason: They Suck

Anna North — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 18:30:00 EDT

According to The Onion, "the nation's boyfriends" are dreading summer's coming onslaught of free events in the park. Us too! Here's why: More »

"Picassoesque Face" Our New Least-Favorite Insult

Katy Kelleher — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 15:20:00 EDT

Despite all the joy The Onion has brought us, we occasionally rue the day they became the arbitrators of intelligent satire. Because sometimes, like when the joke can be reduced to lulz ugly women!, it's just not that funny. [TheOnion] More »

New Orleans Doctors Prescribe Drinking, Sex

Katy Kelleher — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 13:20:00 EDT

I was ready to make a health-conscious life change on the basis of this report until I heard: "New Orleans doctors also strongly advise that young women expose their breasts to screaming crowds at least once a year." [Onion] More »

Onion Takes Aim At Gwynnie, Misses The Mark

Katy Kelleher — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 09:40:00 EDT

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Poor Gwyneth. Not only is GOOP the most hated lifestyle blog, The Onion has the entire internet waiting to see her injured. Punching jokes = as cringe-worthy as anything Paltrow has done. (Nice SATC kicker, though). [The Onion] More »

Stuck On Your Ex? It's Probably Those Genitals

Anna North — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 12:30:00 EDT

"Why Can't We Get Over Him Or Her?" asks The Onion. That hidden kilo of coke is always a compelling reason, but I prefer "awesome genitals" — which, coincidentally, is the name of my band. [The Onion] More »

The Onion: "Girl Welcomed To Womanhood With 4-Page Pamphlet"

Lindsay Robertson — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 12:30:00 EST

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"McMillan's budding womanhood was acknowledged by passing teachers who smiled sympathetically upon seeing her [and] a group of sixth-grade boys who warned one another not to talk to her for fear she might suddenly become pregnant." Flashbacks! [The Onion] More »

New Abortion Requirements Include Painting Nursery, Buying Toys

Anna North — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 10:45:00 EST

One Onion analyst says the law is too time-consuming: "simply requiring women to watch a computer simulation of their baby, what it would have looked like, saying 'I love you Mommy,' would have been enough." [The Onion] More »

Domesticating Women: Funny, Too Close For Comfort

Katy Kelleher — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 09:20:00 EST

"A valuable commodity with seemingly endless uses, the woman has played a crucial role throughout human history...disobedience on the part of women was not taken lightly; physical punishments and restrictive harnesses were often employed to curb any independent behavior." [TheOnion] More »

But Can We Take A Break From Him?

Anna North — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 10:20:00 EST

In a People article that reads remarkably like The Onion, John Mayer claims that to recover from the stresses of sleeping with various starlets, he's "taking a break from dating." That sweater should help. [People] More »

Breaking: "Gosselin Kids No Longer Believe in Santa Claus"

Lindsay Robertson — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 14:30:00 EST

No, it's not The Onion, it's an US Weekly exclusive: a source tells the magazine that the eight Gosselin kids not only know there's no Santa Claus, they're telling all the other kids at school. Seriously. [US Weekly] More »

Attractive Girls Ignore Regular Dude

Katy Kelleher — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 12:40:00 EST

Attractive girls have unionized, The Onion reports. And they are not interested in "nice guys" with goatees. "At this juncture we cannot negotiate with an individual who stares at us for a half an hour," says a rep. [Onion] More »

Mean Girls Make Nation Cry

Anna North — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 10:40:00 EDT

The Onion has the story of three queen bees who have made construction workers, the entire Midwest, and even Barack Obama feel fat and "bo-ring." Of course, one of them's a Courtney. [Onion] More »

In Our Defense, They're Way Cheaper Online. Okay, A Little.

Sadie Stein — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 15:40:00 EDT

The Onion takes on the legendary notebook of Hemingway, Matisse and Chatwin. [TheOnion] More »

Online Dating: Tips, Tricks, And Mockery

Katy Kelleher — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 14:20:00 EDT

On Saturday, The Early Show ran a quick segment on online dating, in which they claim to reveal certain "insider secrets" about digital courtships. More »

She's Baaaack

Katy Kelleher — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 14:30:00 EDT

"Hundreds of buffalo thundered across the Wyoming plains Thursday after news of actress Jenna Elfman's latest sitcom...The frightened herd had run itself off a nearby cliff, so blind was its desire to escape the hijinks and hilarity airing Mondays." [Onion] More »

Onion Confirms What We Always Suspected About Backyard Camping

Anna North — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 10:40:00 EDT

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In the Onion, "Kathleen Sebelius" explains that 74% of camping kids fall victim to killer ghosts, wolves, or "Old Man Greenly, who lost his hand in a gruesome mill accident and now seeks his bloody revenge." [The Onion] More »

Idiotic Product "Turns Eating Into Exercise"

Anna North — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 14:20:00 EDT

This morning a publicist emailed us about this remarkably stupid item: a knife and fork attached to 2-pound dumbbells. More »

Can A Rape Joke Be Funny (Redux)?

Megan Carpentier — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 18:45:00 EDT

The Sexist's Amanda Hess is almost as obsessed with rape joke humor as we are, so she's compiled a strong list of The Onion's hits and misses in the rape joke genre. [Washington City Paper] More »

The Girl Detective

Katy Kelleher — Tue, 26 May 2009 11:30:00 EDT

Nancy Drew's squeaky-clean image has finally been tarnished: it appears that Ms. Drew may have planted evidence, the Onion radio news reports. [Onion] More »

The Princess Diaries

Anna Holmes — Wed, 13 May 2009 10:40:00 EDT

We may be misreading this - in fact, it's highly probable! - but wouldn't the joke work better if Anne Hathaway actually had a reputation as a boyfriend stealer? [ Onion] More »

Truths About Cats & Dogs

Anna Holmes — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 11:40:00 EDT

Reason to love The Onion: The first sentence of this story. No, scratch that. Every sentence of this story. [The Onion] More »

White House Gets Puppy-Proofed • Another Boy Commits Suicide After Homophobic Bullying

Katy Kelleher — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 17:30:00 EDT

• The Obamas are facing the tough job of puppy-proofing the White House for new dog Bo. Also in presidential-pet news, artist Bob Staake's book, The First Pup, has yet to find a publisher. • More »

Porn Misleading Kids About The True Nature Of Sex

Katy Kelleher — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 15:30:00 EDT

Fresh from The Onion news channel: porn is (wrongly) teaching kids that sex can be enjoyable. Also, Grand Theft Auto fails to teach children about "the emotional side of killing whores." [The Onion] More »

When You Have A Ridiculous Fear

Hortense Smith — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 17:30:00 EDT

Once again, The Onion hits a bit too close to home with this hilarious article about a theater audience that completely freaks out when performers leave the stage and take their act into the aisles. More »

"At Some Point, You Have To Be OK With Your Little Head"

Katy Kelleher — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 16:20:00 EST

Could Bratz be promoting unhealthy body image among young women? In this clip, The Onion investigates the possible link between unrealistic head size and low self esteem. [The Onion] More »

Tattoo Parlors Offering Free Obama Tats • Alaska Teens Are Bearing Bushels Of Babies

Katy Kelleher — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 17:30:00 EST

• Want to remember this historic day forever? Get an Obama tattoo! They're all the rage in DC, with parlors offering discounts on Obama '08 ink. • More »

Did You Pick Up That "Ogre Smash Death Boom" Album Yet?

Hortense Smith — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 16:00:00 EST

The A.V. Club has posted their annual list of terrible (and real) band names. Such gems as "Chicken Noodle Funk," "Your Kisses Cause Crashes" and "Religious Vomit" have all made this year's list. [A.V. Club] More »

The Onion is selling gift boxes featuring...

Margaret Hartmann — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 11:20:00 EST

The Onion is selling gift boxes featuring fake products that will definitely make watching dad open that package of sock you got him more exciting. Who wouldn't want the iFeast, a portable MP3 docking station/pet feeding system or a smoke alarm that wakes you slowly to the gentle sounds of the rain forest? Fortunately, these products don't actually exist, but you can buy the empty boxes at the Onion Store. [Via Random Good Stuff] More »

WTF?

Hortense Smith — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 10:45:00 EST

I love The Onion, but this isn't funny. I have maybe the darkest sense of humor on earth, but I still felt kind of gross after reading this one. Am I missing something, or is this a rare Onion miss? More »

Through the months leading up to the campaign,...

Jessica G. — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 10:20:00 EDT

Through the months leading up to the campaign, Cindy McCain has seemed somewhat brittle and distant, especially compared to the more accessible Michelle Obama. Well The Onion has given us a closer look at Cindy, who, earlier this year told Newsweek she's "just like any other female human." She loves gardening, The Onion reports, and "spending a lazy Saturday in the sleep pod that delivers nutrients to her body during its nightly stasis period." And she wants to spend much of her resources on the children, because "humans in the larval stage need our care the most." Watch a video on the softer side of Cindy by clicking on her picture. [The Onion] More »

The Onion AV Club wants to know: who were...

Hortense Smith — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 14:30:00 EDT

The Onion AV Club wants to know: who were your embarrassing early celebrity crushes? Surely, there was a pair of famous initials on your Trapper Keeper at one point or another. It's okay to admit it. I'm sure there's still some "Mrs. Benny the Jet Rodriguez" stationary at my parents house somewhere. Ah, young ridiculous celebrity love. [The Onion] More »

"Though he and Maas have dated for almost...

Jessica G. — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 18:40:00 EST

"Though he and Maas have dated for almost two years, Bertram reportedly did not recognize the severity of his girlfriend's near-chronic dependence on getting out of the house and doing stuff until six months ago, when she insisted the two attend a free outdoor concert in their neighborhood. Since that time, Maas has asked an estimated 11 times to be taken to dinner, 17 times to go grocery shopping, and, on 20 separate occasions, has expressed a desire to go on a meandering walk without a fixed destination, purpose, or time limit." From a poignant Onion article, "Local Girlfriend Always Wants To Do Stuff." What a bitch. [The Onion] More »

The Onion Applauds "Positive" Portrayals Of "Strong" Women

Slut Machine — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 11:00:00 EST

In the clip above from the Onion News Network, the female host of the morning show spoof Today Now! discusses her attendance of the Strong Women in Television Awards, where she presented the award of Best Fight Scene in a Wet T-Shirt or Short Shorts to Lost actress Evangeline Lilly. "Jennifer Love Hewitt was there. We chatted the night away about how great it is that female characters can be sexy and tough, sexy and smart, sexy and professional," the host explains. "It was a great night for women and for the men who write for them." More »

We're so glad the feminist movement finally...

Jessica — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 16:30:00 EST

We're so glad the feminist movement finally put a big strong man in charge of all those indecisive women! We've been needing someone to referee the pillow fights for ages. [The Onion] More »