Following Miley Cyrus' psychosexual appropriative nightmare VMA performance, we citizens of the world are left scrambling for answers: Why did this have to happen? Did I really just watch a young woman gyrate against a man in a Beetlejuice costume immediately after using the bodies of black women as sexualized props? Why didn't my parents prepare me for this? Will I ever be okay again?
It appears that the only news source with a definitive answer is a fake one: The Onion saw this coming all the way back in 2008. "Most experts now agree that, at current usage levels, Miley Cyrus will be drained dry of entertainment value by 2013," states the report, eerily anticipating the day in 2013 in which Miley would trot out her tired "ratchet-appropriating" act before a beleaguered nation and audience of peers — most of whom were too embarrassed to even feign interest in her antics — and even her own tongue would attempt to escape from her body.
"Within two years, she'll be little more than a withered, desiccated husk, incapable of causing anyone any amusement at all," says the report.
Drake is with you on that one, The Onion.