I have finally figured out what I want for Christmas, everyone.

The Most 'Florida Man' Ever Is Selling Jesus Christ's Toenails

A seller in Key Largo, Florida (BECAUSE OF COURSE FLORIDA) recently put up the toenails of Jesus for sale on Ebay. The condition? Used.

USED.*

Here's what he had to say about his find:

While traveling through Europe I went to see a "sear" [sic] or as Americans like to call them "psychic". I stayed in Germany for a couple of months then decided to travel. I found myself in a little border town in the Czech republic. This short little older women whom appeared to be about one hundred and fifty years old popped out of a door way and grabbed my hand. Scarred the bagebers out of me.Then she pulled me into this dilapidated door way and said she had a gift for me. As I held out my hand and looked into her gray eyes I noticed moles on the side of her face with hairs sticking out of them, to me this indicated she was very very old. Then she proceeded to tell me what they were. Well I figured they could not be real because it's not like I could get a DNA test on them? Who would I ask "God". Now I figured I would part with them or try to sell them on my own website. Maybe they could find a good home with a curator who believes this is true.

Sorry, early holiday shoppers. Turns out, the listing is no longer available on EBay. Bidding got up to $5.04 before it disappeared, which totally sounds like a bargain for the toenail clippings of the Lord.

(*Wait—used by who? I guess, Jesus, right?)

Photo via EBay