A building in Brooklyn has been awarded a very dubious title: The residence with the most sex complaints filed by neighbors to 311. An unnamed couple (possibly) who have been having the sexiest sex that one could possibly sex account for a whopping five percent of all sex noise complaints in New York City.

If you didn’t know sex noise complaints still existed, I don’t blame you. I thought it was one of those things you only saw in Drew Barrymore movies about quirky adults getting it on for the first time. But DNAInfo reports that between January first and February 15th, 133 complaints were made to 311 about neighbors loudly engaging in sexual congress at inappropriate times.

Two questions:

  1. Where are you supposed to have sex if not at home?
  2. Why would you call any government entity about the sex instead of just posting about it on Facebook and collecting pity likes from your friends? You don’t call the authorities on the neighbor kid down the hall practicing his trumpet all afternoon, do you? Unless your neighbors are also cooking meth while having sex (which: very impressive), maybe invest in some earplugs instead of calling 311 and lodging a formal complaint that you hope the police might investigate.

According to DNAinfo:

“I’m not sure what they were doing, but the woman was moaning and screaming, ‘Oh yeah, oh, do it to me,” said the complainant, who asked to remain anonymous out of fear of angering his landlord.

Not sure what they’re doing? Really? When it’s so clear that they’re eating Betty Crocker chocolate frosting straight out of the can alone and regretting every life decision?

“I’m not a prude but there are kids in the building, and it was just a ridiculously loud amount of noise being made that the first time another woman yelled out her window, ‘Shut your f—ing windows you whore!’” the complainant added.

No, you’re a prude who also has no idea how children are made. Luckily there’s a public library next door that can teach you all about the magic of human reproduction via books by Paul Zindel and V.C. Andrews. I think the children would be much more traumatized by women screaming about whores than a few moans and groans.

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And then there’s this complaint from a different building, which DNAInfo obtained via the Freedom of Information Act:

“My neighbor keeps having out of control sex head borad [sic] banging and yelling making to much noise,” a Bedford-Stuyvesant resident wrote in a 311 complaint submitted at 2:54 a.m. on April 1, 2014. “I would like for the police to explain to her she need to be a lil more discrete with the noise.”

But back to that building in Bay Ridge: Apparently neighbors were upset when police —sent by 311 — found no noise disturbances, even when a resident offered to lead them to the apartment where all the banging was coming from.

“Every time they claimed to not be able to access the building, even when I expressed that I’d let them into the building,” he said.

The entire article is a goldmine of complaints — “they are perverts who constantly bring more individuals to perform more extreme sexual activities” — which you should really take the time to read. Allegedly, sexual activity quiets down during the winter but is gearing right back up again, now that we’re junk-deep in spring and our fancies are turning towards doin’ it and doin’t it and doin’ it well.

Image via Screengrab/Castle Rock Entertainment.