Jezebel: The Iraq

What Better Way To Celebrate Being An Iraqi Woman Than Blowing Shit Up?

Moe — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 13:00:00 EDT

Remember when female suicide bombers seemed totally exotic? Well, there is one glass ceiling the Better Half of The Iraq has spent the past year detonating. Monday's bombing in Kirkuk, wherein four Sunni lady bombers sacrificed themselves to kill 57 and wound another 280 of their fellow first and second-class citizens, brings the year's tally of female suicide bombers to 24. Which means now is as good a time as any to reflect on some of the built-in advantages the ladies have over the dudes in this particular vocation. There is the obvious: that men aren't supposed to touch women or really even look at them, and that those robes can hide a multitude of C4. But the overlooked advantage is that the female bombers do not even need to summon the courage male martyrs do, because a lot of them "need" to die anyway, like if they have committed adultery or been raped. And that is where Al Qaeda has really gotten clever with its recruitment strategy: now the organization is are getting its male members to marry women, then allow other males to rape said women, which in turn "would leave her with no choice but to end her life." More »

... And One Of Them Hasn't Even Been Incarcerated!

Moe — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 11:20:00 EDT

[Drudge] More »

But Doesn't The Bush Administration Care About The Nation's Heroin Addicts?

Moe — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 10:30:00 EDT

Society has a drug problem, if numbers like these are any indication (and they are). I mean, don't get me wrong, drugs are an excellent way for consumers to waste time, but add to that the snitch-killing and the crop dusting and the weapons stockpiling and the car detailing and wiretapping and the condom swallowing and the fact that determined junkies will figure out how to fatally overdose on legal cancer drugs anyway and you start to think, hey now let's just call this a day, DEA. But is that why the Bush Administration, according to yesterday's Times Magazine, appears to have given up on the Drug War in Afghanistan? Or is it just like, what the fuck else are they going to grow there? That and how Gabriel Garcia Marquez's plan to eradicate the Colombian coke trade didn't work out so well, plus sundry other dour observations and musings on the meaninglessness of with me and Megan after the jump. More »

Morning Head (Start)

Moe — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 09:20:00 EDT

Shalom readers, consider this your prelude to a Crap. Today Obama is still in the United States of Military Contractors on a world tour that should poll extra well with the undecideds since nine US soldiers were killed there last week. Of course, his trip is mostly a big photo-op during which nothing really important besides the requisite "Important people meet on gigantic chairs placed so far away from one another they should ha ha name them Undignitaries" is going to happen, and the really important news is that communities are banding together to save their Starbuckses. Please also note the um cojones it takes to adequately represent the legal interests of 16 Yemenis at Gitmo, as David Remes is doing in the picture. Finally, click for the best 300 words we read this morning, on how the American economy is sort of like an obese drunk gambler on multitrillion dollar tilt to whom the Asians can't stop lending money because they just like playing with him too much. More »

What Is The New York Times Sunglass Girl Thinking?

Moe — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 13:30:00 EDT

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I talked to my mom the night before last. "I don't get the New York Times," she mused. "They have all these great stories, but their Styles section always seems to focus on this tiny, unappealing bunch of really wealthy people!" I explained to her that Styles is for and about people who specifically do not read the rest of the Times, but need to buy it in order for the Times to get advertising. But then I thought, that's so cynical of me! Which brings me to this girl on the cover of today's "Thursday Styles" section She is not Olivia Munoz, the college student the accompanying story quotes saying, “I’m beginning to love sunglasses as much as I love shoes and bags and jewelry,” but the story and its accompanying gallery of consumerporn shots of various pairs of $400 sunglasses on the market wants you to think she might as well be. But wait a second, what if she reads the Times? This girl could easily be thinking very deep thoughts while inspecting herself in that mirror. (The caption, after all, reads "Upon Reflection.") For instance: More »

Leona Helmsley's Dog May Not Talk, But He Can Sort Of Explain The Recession

Moe — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 10:00:00 EDT

Today's evidence the economy is going straight to the Inferno: 600 Starbucks stores are closing, which will leave a gaping hole in the anchor of countless strip malls and exurban power centers. Oil prices have sunk car sales and rentals to historic lows, and the fact no one is traveling anymore has left casinos struggling to pay the power bills. How did the whole world collapse so quickly? If only Leona Helmsley's dog could talk, folks! (Nobody knows the trouble Trouble has seen.) See, fundamentally not much has changed, but the nature of the market is to exaggerate. Oil prices, which should maybe be around $100 a barrel, have been driven up by speculators. GM stock is at a 53-year low over car sales that are only at a 10-year low. Casinos are power-greedy structures that are generally loaded down with a few billion dollars in debt before they even open and there are 11,500 Starbucks locations that will stick around to sate your dependence on caffeinated milkshakes. But as Leona Helmsley once pointed out, only the little people pay taxes, and only the little people really have to worry about this recession stuff. Dick Grasso is keeping his $140 million payout, the CEO of Starbucks is keeping his billion dollar net worth, and little Trouble here is keeping his $100,000-a-year bodyguard services. That, torture and Obama's mortgage with me and Megan after the jump. More »

The Evilest Evildoer In Administration Evil Shows His Evil Face!

Moe — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 11:30:00 EDT

Meet David Addington, Dick Cheney's Dick Cheney, the dark force behind the dark force behind the defenestration of the constitution. You may have met him before, via that New Yorker piece wherein Colin Powell tries to get it through someone's thick skull that the Bush Administration doesn't care about the Constitution. But you have never before probably seen the bearlike Baddington, because they don't let him out; he scares too many other Republicans. But! Yesterday he testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee. And oh my god he did not disappoint! He tugged on his beard! He was radioactive with disdain! "I'm glad the terrorists finally get to see you!" one congressman "joked." So what motivates such a man? As a child, he wore black socks with shorts and subscribed to the notion of "the divine right of kings." As an adult, his views were hardened by the sad sad spectacle of the Church Committee, which put a damper on the ability of future presidents to pull off the sort of assassinations, coups, North Korean-inspired mind-control experiments, and warrantless wiretapping Nixon had so loved. Megan and I on the man with the Grace of Gollum and John McCain's sexism, whether feminists should buy guns, and Stevie Wonder's iPod after the jump. More »

How Does Lara Logan Get Iraq News On National TV? A Little Thing She Learned From The Terrorists…

Moe — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 15:20:00 EDT

Lara Logan is a CBS News correspondent in Iraq who just got a big promotion after telling Jon Stewart last that the "soldiers feel forgotten." The promotion means she will come back to DC, which won't necessarily help the soldiers' predicament much, but…well, I'd say at least she probably won't die, but she said herself on national television that watching American television news makes her want to kill herself. If you haven't seen the clip yet, — or if you were too distracted by how fucking gorgeous she is to catch everything she said about self-censorship and the plight of the soldiers and how scant coverage of the latest massive roadside bombing that left more than 50 dead might suggest we've become dehumanized or something — click the picture. (Or if that's too depressing, check our literary critique of Vogue's impressive profile of Ms. Logan.) [Daily Show] More »

Obama Is A Machiavellian Ari Gold Sellout! Will Scarlett Johansson Notice?

Moe — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 10:00:00 EDT

Yesterday while Crappy Hour was in progress Barack Obama totally sold out the like MAJOR ISSUE OF HIS WHOLE POLITICAL CAREER and we didn't really talk about it because the campaign's media fellater relations department still hadn't distributed its key talking points, but then they sent out this video and as you can see, there is really no need for Obama to take $80 million from you taxpayers in the interest of running a "clean" campaign if he has made quite enough money already collecting from clean individuals like you and me! (Put another way: why build a welfare state when, like Toqueville pointed out, Americans have such a rich tradition of charity, concern for fellow man etc?) Anyway, so it's Friday, which means that even if we don't think this financing thing is such a huge biggie David Brooks is using it as a chance to dissuade Scarlett Johansson from carrying such a heaving torch for Obama by likening him to a fictional soulless Jew and Peggy Noonan is reminding us again of the meaning of life and everyone else is still fighting about oil and Megan and I try to get to the bottom of how much we can blame the crap economy on the war and get distracted by cute patriotic dogs. More »

Oil: There's No Doubt, We're In Deep Guys!

Moe — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 10:00:00 EDT

So Big Oil is finally going to get some payback for its tireless efforts promoting that disastrous invasion of The Iraq! Megan and I are sooooo happy for them. The "unusual" no-bid contracts about to be awarded to Exxon, BP, Shell, Total and Chevron reunite all the original partners in the Iraq Petroleum Company that held a monopoly on Iraqi oil exploration until 1961 when some communist decided that wasn't "fair" to the Iraqi people and nationalized oil, which is incidentally what the Republicans are accusing the Democrats of trying to do over here. Newt Gingrich was on Fox this morning telling everyone America needs to "Declare Energy Independence" on July 4 this year but like this apparently Robert Palmer inspired propaganda poster points out we're probably going to have to figure out how to detox somehow, which would be one thing if we had some sort of growing employment sector to withstand the rising prices, like the South Koreans who are busy making all the ships out there looking for oil. That and Obama says no thanks to a nationalized campaign, some Bear Stearns guys get arrested and Larry Sinclair is insane with me and Megan after the jump. More »

Mom Who Fled Her Honor Killing Husband In Basra Shot Down On Street; How You Can Help

Moe — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 12:30:00 EDT

For weeks the story of the lovelorn Basra teenager who was beaten to death by her father and brothers in a crime met with high-fives and applause by the local law enforcement authorities has…well, gone relatively unnoticed in the Western press, perhaps because it's so fucking depressing. And now it's over. Layla Hussein, the heartbroken mother who fled her husband over the killing — unsurprisingly he blamed his wife's genes for his daughter's sins, because his side of the family was clearly so fucking pure — is dead. After spending the past few weeks hopping among safe houses, she was assassinated in a drive-by shooting as she got out of a car to meet someone who was supposed to help smuggle her to Jordan. Now the anonymous women's rights aid agency that attempted to smuggle Leila out of the country is trying to smuggle itself — but they're out of money. We contacted the Guardian to see whether, um, we might redirect some of the week's drinking funds to a more worthwhile cause? More »

"This Is Not The Scott We Know…"

Moe — Wed, 28 May 2008 17:30:00 EDT

Technology is not our friend today, so we'll make this short.

The "Natalie Portman Breakup Fantasy" That Got One Soldier Through The Iraq War

Moe — Mon, 19 May 2008 12:00:00 EDT

What possessed the vast preponderance of the humans throughout history to endure the misery of everyday existence? Yeah, I would still be wasting time pondering that sort of thing, which is why I read the weekend's Modern Love, the work of a soldier recently home from Iraq, where he went in pursuit of that abject wretchedness of which so much of my generation has been deprived. He lived in an abandoned building without running water among rotting corpses and constant mortar fire. The temperature hovered around 120 and he got a shower every 6 to 12 days. "It was everything I had ever hoped to experience in the military. It really was," he says. And the thing that got him through: fantasizing about Natalie Portman. Or more to the point: fantasizing about dumping Natalie Portman. More »

President Bullshit

Moe — Thu, 15 May 2008 18:30:00 EDT

George W. Bush is in Israel right now where he equated Obama with Hitler over his suggestion that he meet with Ahmadinejad. I guess in Israel they have to smile when he talks but Knesset Speaker Dalia Itzik doesn't look like her heart is in it. [Wash Post]

Good Morning, Voters! I'm Calling On Behalf Of "Women Voices." If You Are Confused, My Mission Is Accomplished!

Moe — Thu, 01 May 2008 10:00:00 EDT

In which we adopt the persona of Women's Voices. Women Vote robocaller and misinformation chief Lamont Williams, if he only had a voice.

Pope Offers Pro-Choice Politicians A Very Light Snack

Moe — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 18:30:00 EDT

Oh my GOD POLITICIANS WHO UPHOLD THE RIGHT TO A BABYKILLING RECEIVED THE BODY OF CHRIST DESPITE KILLING BABIES. What is next, women who actually have submitted their wombs to this murderous murder method? The abortion doctors themselves? WHAT IF THE VIRGIN MARY HAD MADE THIS SO CALLED "CHOICE"?? No one would have believed her rape kit! [AP]

"I'm Trying To Get To An Endpoint. That's What All Of Us Are Trying To Do."

Moe — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 18:30:00 EDT

That's actually a Barack Obama quote, but he speaks for David Petraeus's friend Angelina Jolie too, who spent the day in DC talking about the importance of education in the Iraq so as the children have the audacity to hope and not just the audacity to engage in sectarian violence. [Reuters]

'Miss USA' Marketers: Watch This Pageant Cuz Pretty Chicks Are Idiots!

Dodai Stewart — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 12:30:00 EDT

It's taken us a while to get around to this, but the new commercial for the Miss USA pageant — airing on NBC on April 11 — is sort of a mindfuck. Instead of sweeping previous embarrassing moments under the rug, NBC is embracing them and encouraging TV watchers to tune in because they might just see a beautiful woman slip and fall on her ass, or babble on about "the Iraq." Such as. Sure, they use the tagline, "Anything can happen — because it's live", but really, they're gleefully humiliating and mocking the girls who participate as well as their own damn programming. Correct me if I'm wrong. Clip above. More »

Barack Obama Would Rather Be Shooting Dunks And Fathering Illegitimate Children. (Duh!)

Moe — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 10:00:00 EDT

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In a telling interview with the erudite Philadelphia radio program The Angelo Cataldi Show, Barack Obama said he would rather be Dr. J than president. (Hillary Clinton, meanwhile, gave some speech comparing herself to Rocky Balboa while wearing a fuchsia blazer.) Feminist hero Heidi Montag of The Hills announced her endorsement of John McCain, and her on-again boyfriend Spencer Pratt immediately shot back that he didn't think "anyone cares who Heidi Montag votes for." Well shit, Spencer, you know better than anyone that at least as many people care about Heidi's political stances as the fact that John McCain thinks Muqtada al Sadr is the one who came begging for a ceasefire, and that's way more than the number of people who care about the release of some 2003 Bush Administration memo authorizing torture-esque torture strategies, and even that is wayyyy more than the number of people who will sit still long enough to watch Errol Morris' new movie so...where was I? OMG EVILDOERS TRIED TO BLOW UP DISNEYLAND! Glamocracy's Megan and I are soooooo glad they didn't succeed. More »

Really, Eliot? You Interfaced With This?

Moe — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 18:30:00 EDT

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Commenting on an Eliot Spitzer whore scandal is vaguely as exciting than reading about the intricacies of trade negotiations — and also, somewhat less important — but I had to point out this quote from a source close to Kristin "Billie" Davis (who "hails from a rough-in-tumble California trailer park.") "She personally interfaced with Spitzer a number of times." Wow, "interface." That used to be corporate jargon for "talked to" and now it is being used to denote... bareback anal. [NYP]

And The $300 Million Defense Contract Goes To...The 22-Year-Old Abusive Boyfriend Who Never Had A Job!

Moe — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 10:00:00 EDT

Do you ever wonder, where do the weapons our Pentagon is buying to supply the Afghan counterinsurgency actually come from? Well, duh, China, but, let's start over. Meet Efraim Diveroli. He has some sort of $300 million Pentagon contract to supply ammunition to the government. He also has: never had a real job, a drinking problem, a woman with a restraining order against him, a beautiful headquarters in the heart of Miami Beach, a 25-year-old VP whose only certification in anything is that he is a licensed masseur, and wiretaps of him talking about bribing the Albanian defense department by sending him whores. And all of this makes sense because Efraim Diveroli is 22 YEARS OLD. Yeah, we talked about our allies in Pakistan and John McCain, Chelsea Clinton and that douchebag who asked her about Monica, polling data, where that Bosnia story really came from, Donald Trump, corporate profits and our hangovers — oh and don't miss the riveting discussion of our Facebook horoscopes and Diddy and Tupac— but shit gets really epic when Glamocracy's Megan and I get down to...which under-25 year old Israeli mob arms dealer we'd rather get down with! Jump. More »

Barack Obama Steals Away On Sexy Tropical Paradise Island Vacation!

Moe — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 10:00:33 EDT

Barack Obama sure picked the right time to go on a secret vacation with Rihanna! The blind guy is STILL MAKING NEWS. Now it's co(mg)caine. Barack Obama did cocaine in the eighties. Who cares if the blind governor did cocaine in the eighties? Barack Obama probably gave it to him, and Barack Obama didn't have blindness as an excuse for needing false confidence! You know what else made news today? Sex. Not unprotected anal whore sex! Not illicit adultery in the 94th Street Days Inn sex! Not even "erotic sex"! Just sex, as in: it's fun! You should have some. Moving on: what else do we have here...elections in Zimbabwe! Can you spell Zimbabwe without Mugabe? Oh also: Sinbad! Sinbad is still in the news! Sinbad has never enjoyed such high approval ratings! Can we give Sinbad a cabinet position? And then there's some more about the war. Will the number 4,000 detract from the "myth" that the Troop Surge is a huge success? Or, on the contrary, will it remind everyone why we needed the Troop Surge to begin with? No one knows! Also, that part about Barack and Rihanna is totally unsubstantiated. We just don't know very much about the Virgin Islands because we never take vacation. Which is why Glamocracy's Megan and I are here to IM every morning for your commenting pleasure. More »