The Future is Now: We Are ThisClose to Hot and Heavy 3D Sexting

What a time to be alive! If you’re already proficient in sexting and getting a little bored by the process of sending nudes and typing out phrases such as “my dick is so hard I am currently lifting a bucket of water with it as I think of you,” you’re about to have your life changed. Imagine sexts, but with 3D printing.

First of all, how many of us would never again leave the house if 3D sexting was an option? Personally, I would lay in bed all day surrounded by dicks of all varying shapes and sizes and roll around in them like some kink.com Scrooge McDuck with a plastic fetish. I would take copious pictures of my hideous “o-face” and send it by snail mail to others just for fun. But wait, what’s that? a $1500 price tag? Is that worth all the 3D-printed dicks in the world?

According to Mashable, Scanify (which is the latest product to allow the three dimensional printing of selfies and “other things”) is truly competitive at the $1500 price point. It’s not only compact and easy to use, but it can capture almost any image you can think of, makes sharing these images online easy and allows you to manipulate the photos before printing them. The product’s scanning capabilities also reduce movement blur and are allegedly the best quality at “home user” prices.

I don’t know, that sounds like a lot. But I did just purchase a PS4, which cost about one third of this, has five games, won’t print dick pics and is basically just a glorified Netflix machine. Speaking of which, I’ve been watching a lot of Criminal Minds recently and the first thing I thought of when I read about this machine was how long before one of the unsubs on the show leaves 3D-printed dick pics as their signature? HOW LONG?