The Fanny Pack Is Back (Again), But Only If You're Old And Lame

I honestly can’t tell what’s more depressing about this article: the notion that fanny packs are seriously back, or that the teenage girl interviewed referred to thirty-somethings as sad, middle-aged losers. Damn kids!

There is nothing cool about a fanny pack. The last time I owned one, it was 1989, and I was 8, rocking my fanny pack HARD on the 2nd grade playground as I skipped along in Paula Abdul limited edition LA Gears. I don’t even remember what I kept in there; a pack of crayons, maybe? A bag of goldfish? Dr. Pepper Lip Smacker? My Pocket Rockers with Tiffany’s “I Think We’re Alone Now” cassette?

And though the lameness of fanny packs can not be denied, neither can their functionality: in certain cases, a fanny pack is, sadly, the best method of carrying around one’s things, as a teenager tells The Telegraph: “It’s what girls wear to keep their money safe at festivals or raves. Though sad middle-aged people are buying them now – you know, the kind in their thirties who go to stay in expensive designer tepees at Glastonbury, in the tragic belief that they’re still young.” (This is where I actually coughed on my Pop-Tart.)

The late 80’s/early 90’s revival has been upon us for some time now, and shows no signs of slowing down, but shouldn’t some things just be left behind? Fanny packs seem to spring up every few years as this hilarious new trend, but seriously, people, can’t we just let them go for good? I know I may be pushing thirty, which makes me old and “middle aged” and lame, according to Teeny Magee, but back in my day we just stuck our money in our shoes. Did our dollars smell like feet? Perhaps. But I’d rather hand over a wad of foot-bills than dig through a fanny pack for some cash. Now get off my designer teepee lawn, and take your stupid fanny packs with you.