The Downton Abbey Products We'd Like to See In Stores This Fall

Executive producers at Downton Abbey recently announced that they will be releasing a whole slew of Downton-branded merchandise when the show’s fourth season premieres in the UK this September. Thus far, licensing agreements have been made with beauty supply companies, winemakers and even paint factories — just in case you wanted to capture the subtle gray of Mrs. Patmore’s kitchen or…the subtle gray of Mr. Carson’s butler pantry.

The AP assures that the merch is “all in the best possible taste” and EP Gareth Neame wants us all to know that they’ve put a lot of thought into this. “We haven’t rushed into it,” he told the press. “We don’t want to carpet bomb the retail sector.”

While we can appreciate their reserved approach in regards to marketing — there is a war on after all — that doesn’t mean we have to be satisfied with some dinky lip glosses, a bottle of Lord Grantham red (mmmm, tastes like bad money management) and a batch of bland paint that will give our homes the dull sheen of a bustling servants’ quarters. We can demand more! Or at the very least we can suggest more and hope the people in charge listen.

These are our very good ideas for Downton Abbey merchandise.

• O’Brien’s Bangs Curlers for Handsome Grim Women
• Gladiator sandals in the style of Mr. Bates’ torturous leg brace.
• Insertable seat belts for old-timey cars. Click it or ticket, Cousin Matthew.
• Anna’s maid uniform*

*Purchase comes with excellent life long career at a beautiful estate in the English countryside. Pay is minimal, but position comes with room, board and a husband suspected of murdering his ex-wife. You will be expected to work between the hours of 5am and 3am, with the occasional exception of when you will be asked to help move the corpse of a Turkish diplomat that our eldest daughter may have accidentally fucked to death. Contact if interested! Only kidding! Of course you are interested! The structure of our class system leaves no other jobs available to you. Start work immediately.

• Downton Dogz Butthole Bleach. Have you ever seen a more exquisite dog butt than the one in the opening credits? I haven’t.
• Downton Abbey Plan B — or “bar soap”
• Mr. Carson’s Panicky Flop Sweat as He Watches His Job Become Increasingly Irrelevant in an Increasingly Modern World — A Perfume by Downton Abbey.
• The once in a lifetime opportunity to win a walk-on role as Downton Abbey’s resident ghost! To enter the contest, you must at least 18 years of age, reside in Great Britain and be Dan Stevens or Jessica Brown Findlay.

CHA-CHING! CHA-CHING! Do you hear that ITV/important people at Downton Abbey? That’s the sound of old fashioned cash registers opening all over the world as people rush out to hand you their moolah! Don’t be a simpleton like Molesley! Be smart like the Dowager and don’t let these remarkable marketing opportunities go to waste!