The Dark Union of Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne Is Rapidly DissolvingS

According to a report first squawked by one of the The Sun’s many gossip crows, Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne’s 30-year marriage is splintering apart faster than Ozzy’s pulverized kneecaps. Getting old, it seems, doesn’t get any easier if you somehow become famous.

After selling their Malibu home for $7.25 million last April, the Osbournes are now reportedly separated, with Ozzy living in a rented mansion and Sharon filling the hole in her aching heart with hotel room service while she waits for renovations on her new Beverly Hills home to be completed. The Osbournes have been one of showbiz’s most enduring pairs, but time has a way of eroding even the strongest of emotional bulwarks. The good news? Ozzy can spend more time in his aviary, terrorizing his captive carrier pigeons, and Sharon can join another talent show panel because when a window closes, a door opens, and that door leads into a funhouse hall of mirrors filled with grotesque American sideshow acts. [Radar]

  • Paris Jackson wants to be a doctor when she grows up, not a lawyer, not a business executive, and certainly not some sort of pandering entertainer. [NYDN]
  • In some rare news of exciting expeditions by peripatetic British people, Prince Harry will most likely become the first senior member of the Royal Family to visit the South Pole, fall into a Predator vs. Alien labyrinth under the ice, and save the world from an extraterrestrial-induced cataclysm. Earth is for humans — send all aliens back into space! [Telegraph]
  • Retired (?) pornstar Jenna Jameson isn’t doing so well right now, so ex-husband and former professional grappler Tito Ortiz has pretty much assumed full custody of the couple’s twin four-year-old boys who will either grow up to be a wholesome circus act or a pair of notorious train bandits constantly on the run from the Pinkertons. [TMZ]
  • Kim Kardashian may give birth to her baby in Paris, ensuring that the little creature will have a lifelong affinity for mayonnaise and premature surrender. Oh, how we laugh! [TMZ]
  • In case you had any doubts, the answer is a resounding “yes”: Ke$ha does have a professional glitterer on staff. [NYDN]
  • Billy Zane, whose status as a lingering, B-list celebrity was jeopardized by his a) male-pattern baldness and b) career-killing purple jumpsuit in The Phantom, has reportedly been offered a role in a West End production of From Here to Eternity. [Telegraph]
  • The Brothers Winklevoss have a scheme to conquer the bitcoin market, which will work really well until some nerd outflanks them. If anyone is up to their necks in nerd shit, it is most definitely the Winklevii. [CS Monitor]
  • January Gessert, the woman who allegedly used her trapezoidally-tweezed eyebrows to seduce Reggie Bush away from Kim Kardashian, was arrested in January for trying to buy stuff with forged checks. She’s out on bail, walking the Earth, going from place to place, meeting people, and getting into adventures just like Caine in Kung Fu. [TMZ]
  • A mere planetary revolution after being released from jail, Gucci Mane was arrested again. [TMZ]
  • All those Kay Open Heart necklaces are worthless now that Jane Seymour and James Keach are divorcing after 20 years of marriage. [EW]
  • Sarah “Duchess of York” Ferguson has been invited to Margaret Thatcher’s funeral despite all that enmity between her and the Queen. [Telegraph]
  • Drew Barrymore will host the GLAAD Media Awards next weekend. [Radar]

Image via AP