There's a hidden danger lurking on beaches nationwide this holiday weekend: if you set aside your London Review of Books to peruse The National Inquirer, the "Best and Worst Celebrity Diets" and "Paula Deen Used Gay Slurs Too!" could be imprinted on your thighs, FOREVER. Or at least until you jump in the ocean.

My friend Rachel (these are her ink tie-dyed thighs) recommends Walgreens "Continuous Spray" sunscreen for optimum viscous glue if you want to give yourself DIY tattoos of celeb cellulite.