It’s the most wonderful time of the year...to lie to little children about a magical man whose entire reason for being is to break into their homes and give them presents! But it’s not just little kids who fall for stupid lies like Santa. Adults believe made-up shit all of the time, which is why we’re swapping stories about the craziest tall tales that we’ve ever bought into.

But first, here are the winners of last week’s Pissing Contest, Your Most Embarrassing Holiday Hookups.

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Honestly, all of the entries were terrible and depressing, but this one by Kastle, Queen of... was the absolute worst:

By “Holiday” do you mean the Good Friday when I hooked up with super hot Alex? Or the Easter Sunday when I met him at the family brunch and learned he was my dad’s half-sister’s son?

So let’s clean our palates with this sweet li’l tale from Tupiniquim: forever gray, who did not fuck a relative, but DID fuck DESTINY:

Mine was a quasi-hookup, but bear with me. These dudes who lived together in a house while attending college were close-knit so they had a “post-Christmas” in February, in one of the dudes’ ranch in the countryside. I was invited by my BFF, one of the dudes’ girlfriends, and I was newly single, so I went. There was this one guy who I thought was kinda hot but awkward. It was his parents’ ranch. As we cleaned up his dad’s bar and played cards we got closer and closer - and drunker and drunker. Then we laid by the pool and he tried to show me the constellations he was seeing (he couldn’t really see anything) he tried to kiss me - I buried my face in the grass because I didn’t want to do something I wouldn’t remember later. He got kinda pissed and when I changed my mind and wanted to do stuff he locked himself in his room. I was beyond drunk and angry he had “shunned” me and banged on his door while screaming insults laden with the f-word.

We ended up getting married. 12 years and going strong.

Now get down with your gullible selves in the comments.


Contact the author at madeleine@jezebel.com.

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Image via A Christmas Story/MGM.