Today marked the end of Elisabeth Hasselbeck's 10-year-long stint as a cohost of The View. As the lone conservative voice on the panel, she always stuck to her guns—even though they repeatedly misfired—and helped make the show the addictive mess of shrill in-fighting it is. Who could ever replace her yippity yapping? (Is that Taco Bell dog still alive?) Let's take a stroll down memory lane of Hasselbeck's greatest misses.
The Rosie O'Donnell Feud
"Big fat lesbian loud Rosie attacks innocent pure Christian Elisabeth."
So Elisabeth said that people get abortions for "superficial reasons." I'm not even sure what the fuck that's supposed to mean, but it still pisses me off.
Hasselbeck's comment about "verbal rape" forces Jenny Johnson into being the victim of a crime that does not exist.
Hasselbeck became more and more hysterical and made less and less sense, saying that making a joke like that "is wrong to do to any person but any woman who happens to disagree with you." She was really hung up about Maher's joke being sexist in some way. Maybe it could be argued that it was—but not by somebody like Hasselbeck. She doesn't have the chops, wit, or mental capacity to debate gender politics. And I'm not saying that because she's a woman, or because she's blond, or because she's republican, or because she's gluten-free.
Bill Maher suggests that the party "doesn't care about knowledge," Elisabeth quips, "'Cause you're so brilliant, wow, I actually feel smarter sitting next to you." Without skipping a beat Maher retorts, "Really? Because I feel like I'm in high school sitting next to you."
Osama Bin Laden was a very bad guy
He hurt many people, don't ask me why
We shot him in the head and now he is dead
Now close your eyes and go to bed
Elisabeth was telling a boring-ass, way-too-long story about her daughter losing a tooth and asking questions about the Tooth Fairy when Joy cut her off and said, "Did you try to find out if the Tooth Fairy has a birth certificate?" in reference to Elisabeth's not-so-silent support of the birther movement.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck has it all figured out: Older men are dating younger women, so older women are forced to go gay.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck stuck strong to her Fox News rhetoric of "if you want to compliment our democracy and say 'Yes, we got together and voted on a president, and this is who we want. Hurrah!' And then look at that system of democracy and also call it a failure in the same breath…" Which is conservative speak for "you got your black guy in there fair and square, same as how we stopped the fags from getting out of hand." But even with all of Hasselbeck's "democracy runs this country, God bless the USA" talk, Etheridge referenced Thomas Jefferson when said that the majority should not vote on what the minority is allowed to do.
Hasselbeck asks: "Men and women — women want all the rights of men, but they're not asking to be called men… do you think… is it the word [marriage] is more important than the rights?"
Joy says it's dangerous when prayer takes the place of logical thinking, and Elisabeth retorts that it's "a complete bigoted statement to say that when I'm praying I'm not thinking." Even if she is thinking while she's praying, she's certainly not thinking while she's talking.
Kathy Griffin vs. Elisabeth Hasselbeck
It's funny when she tries to go toe-to-toe with comedians.
Elisabeth says that showing women images of abortions could make reproductive decisions a little "easier".
After suggesting yesterday that stalking victim Erin Andrews was kinda asking for trouble with her sexy Dancing With the Stars outfits, View co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck has tearfully offered her apology for being an asshole.
Joy Behar said that she was pissed off that the holiday — and the issues surrounding the war in Iraq — were not on the front pages of any of the major newspapers. She talked about the number of men and women killed in the war (both Iraqi and American) and complained that we're still pumping so much money into what seems to be a pointless fight. And that's when Hasselbeck flipped her lid. She literally said that Joy should not be airing grievances because it's disrespectful toward the men and women who are supposedly fighting for the freedom…to speak our minds.
Babs asked Elisabeth to take the time to tell everyone why she thinks Sarah Palin would make a good president (should anything happen to McCain). Elisabeth responded to the question by not answering it at all, "Well, since I've been studying for this pop quiz forever, I - tell me why Barack Obama is qualified. I mean, give me three tangible things he has done."
Elisabeth Hasselbeck was trying to tell Sherri and Whoopi that they shouldn't be using the N-word at all, no matter the context, because of children. Then she started crying. Then Barbara Walters made a funny face.
Elisabeth said she's not OK with it, because it makes her feel as though, if a man has to go to fantasize about anything but her, then that means she's not good enough. Jeez, for someone who's not into masturbation, she's sure as shit into herself. Anyway, Whoopi asked if she ever used a vibrator, and Elisabeth said no, because she enjoys sharing intimacy with another person.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck expressed her offense at the fact that Barack Obama called his grandmother a "typical white woman" who would be fearful if she saw an African-American on the street. Elisabeth explained that she is a "typical white woman" herself and would never be afraid of a group of black kids on the street. Whoopi, however, didn't buy that shit for a second, and said as much.
She was so annoying in 2008 that we made an entire montage.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck Attempts to Justify Tea Party Racism & Homophobia
It didn't go over well.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck got very shrill over some comments that Gloria Steinem made during a speech this weekend and called her "evil, pure evil." Wanna know what Gloria said that was so offensive? In speaking about how she didn't believe that having a military background made one candidate more qualified than the other to be president she said, "I'm so grateful [Hillary] wasn't trained to kill anybody." Soooo evil! Elisabeth said that Gloria was making a "despicable mischaracterization" of the troops in Iraq as being trained to kill (um, except that they are) and that they should be respected since they are over there "protecting [Gloria's] freedom to run her mouth." Oh, the irony! So Gloria should shut up because someone is fighting for her freedom of speech? What?!