You know how people have dreams sometimes? Not sleep dreams, like, “Hollywood”-sign-as-metaphor dreams? Well, last night this gal’s dream came true. And, suddenly, it’s as if I’m Princess Desiree cruising the land of v-necks and fairy tales in my either-bright-or-baby blue Bentley. Who knew I could reach nirvana with just 11 simple words…
“Today we will be starring in our very own rap video.”
…This is how glory must taste.
Season 9, Episode 2
19: Potential suitors.
Feels like infinity: Number of hugs Desiree has to execute when she enters a room.
3: Synonyms Brooks learned today – “Stoked” + “Pumped” + “Excited.”
0: Discussions about Desiree’s design experience whilst in the bridal boutique.
1: Giant elephant in the room as they sit at the “Hollywood” sign…Sorry, that’s 1 giant elephant’s disembodied head.
0: Other times in life you should say, “Fuck it, let’s move this ‘Road Closed’ sign and just see how this bridge pans out.”
40: Years Desiree’s parents have been married.
Shucks: I mean, come on, that’s darling.
5: Cents in a nickel. And if I had a nickel for every time I’ve found myself dancing on a Persian rug atop an abandoned bridge listening to a private performance by Andy Grammer…
1 in 5: People forget to “strap their seatbelts” when on “an awesome ride.” Buckle up for safety, folks.
14: Reactions a contestant can have to getting invited to share his date with 13 other dudes. These are including but not limited to: “Alright,” “Yeah buddy,” single or double fist pump, something in Spanish, and high-fiving oneself.
1: Reactions anyone else would have to getting invited on something similar – “No, thanks. I’m good.”
14: Number of men Desiree is not familiar juggling.
11.5: Desiree’s personal best.
3: Syllables I never knew could sound so sweet. All the roses go to Soulja Boy.
1: Nifty new dance move I learned last night. What was Dance until “the burger flip?”
Numerous: Occasions in which, yes, Desiree, it is “nice having Soulja Boy here to guide everything that’s going on.” Like that time I got lost in my canoe.
1: New pick-up line, via Brandon = “I’d like to jiggle my junk in your vicinity.” Swoon city.
4: How many seasons “I’m here for you, girl.”
2: Very different implications of the word “seasons” in this context.
1: Seriously unsolved mystery. WHAT ARE YOU TELLING US, ZACK?! WHERE IS CARA? WHY WASN’T SHE ABLE TO WRITE IN HER DIARY?!
0: Times you should repeat Brandon’s “love = butterfly” metaphor.
1: Person whose “in-two-ish-un” must always be relied upon = James, the living aggregate of Staten Island stereotypes.
1: Points Brandon earned in my book by saying he’s “falling in like.”
120: Points Bryden earned for getting so excited about Smartfood Popcorn.
5: Exclamation points for the one-on-one with Bryden = A kite! Sand art! Picnic basket! Orange grove! He doesn’t know what brie is!
2: Pictures of his horrific accident that Bryden just happened to have in his breast pocket while on a date.
5: “I”’s I added to “nice” after Desiree told Bryden, “Just kiss me already.” Niiiiiice.
1: Story about your diabetes that is not gonna compete with the abandoned child and the man in the exploding car. (But I am sorry you’re going through that.)
1000: Percent less legit the “drama” between guys on The Bachelorette is than The Bachelor. One raise of Tierra’s eyebrow and they’d all be crying.
1: Word to describe Mikey and Michael’s (also, I mean, that’s phenomenal) whining about Ben, The Incredible Interrupting Monster = “Sissies.”
3: New additions to Toasting On Your Toes with Desiree Hartsock: 1) “To road trips and fish tacos.” 2) “To more roses and more memories.” 3) “To the right reasons.”
3 million and 73 thousand gajillion billion: Amount of times I needed to hear the phrase “for the right reasons” before I realized I’d found the right reason to go spontaneously deaf.
84: Seconds of the-best-thing-that’s-ever-happened-to-me-slash-rap-video available here, with a surprise guest star that may literally make you see God.