The 9 Best Sex Tips from Kanye West's New Album 'Yeezus'
LatestLike every other cool person with a rich, fulfilling social life in the BIG CITY, I spent the weekend bopping around to Kanye West’s leaked new album Yeezus. And even though I expect any Kanye joint to be the sonic equivalent of a load of angry jizz in my earhole, this album seemed especially rife with sexual imagery. Incredibly servicey sexual imagery. Didn’t notice? Not to worry. We’ve translated the best sex tips from the album from Kanyenese to English for your reading and sexing pleasure.
Tip #1: When performing oral sex on a member of a specific cultural group, spice things up by involving traditional food items from that person’s country or region of ancestry.
Yeezus lyric:
Eating asian pussy,
All I need was sweet & sour sauce
– “I’m In It”
Suggested Application: Eat lutefisk off a Norwegian guy’s balls.
Tip #2: Don’t have sex with religious people/Don’t be religious, or it will ruin your fun.
Yeezus lyric:
Then she said she impregnated, that’s the night your heart died
Then you gotta go and tell your girl and report that
Main reason cause your pastor said you can’t abort that
– “Blood on the Leaves”
Suggested Application: (ibid)
Tip #3: Cherish a good partner when you find one; they are significantly more worthy of your time than other people of ill repute.
Yeezus lyric:
One good girl is worth a thousand bitches.
– “Bound 2”
Suggested Application: Resist the temptation to fuck groupies and hold out for a Mandy Moore type. You know, if you have groupies.
Tip #4: Don’t neglect your wife or Kanye West will have sex with her.
Yeezus lyric:
Fuck you and your Hamptons house
I’ll fuck you and your Hamptons spouse
– “New Slaves”
AND
There’s too many hoes in this house of sin
Black dick all up in your spouse again
– “On Site”
Suggested Application: Flowers, dinner, a nice date every once in awhile. Just be thoughtful, man. He warns you, like, twice on the album.
Tip #5: Let your breasts flop around freely at all times, as nature intended.
Yeezus lyric:
No sports bra
Let’s keep it bouncin’
– “On Site”
AND
Your titties, let ’em out, free at last
Thank God almighty, they free at last
– “I’m In It”
Suggested Application: Next Zumba class, skip the bra.
Tip #6: Wear protection every time, even if you’re about to have sex with 300 people.
Yeezus lyric:
I keep it 300 like the Romans
300 bitches, where’s the Trojans?
– “Black Skinhead”
Suggested Application: Carry a duffel bag full of condoms just in case.
Tip #7: Have the confidence to ask for what you want.
Yeezus lyric:
So hurry up with my damn massage.
In a French-ass restaurant
Hurry up with my damn CROISSANTS! (emphasis added)
– “I Am a God”
Suggested Application: Ignore the suggestion that being rude to wait staff is a turnoff. Your partner will respect your initiative and “go getter” attitude.
Tip #8: Be a jerk; it’s the only way to get ahead in life or in sex, which is what life is all about. Corollary to this tip: it is much more preferable to receive oral than to give oral.
Yeezus lyric:
You see there’s leaders and there’s followers
But I’d rather be a dick than a swallower
– “New Slaves”
Suggested Application: Never say “please” or “thank you” or anything like that; courtesy is for people Kanye West would call pussies and you are not what Kanye West would call a pussy.
Tip #9: Get political.
Yeezus lyric:
Uh, black girl sippin’ white wine
Put my fist in her like a civil rights sign
– “I’m In It”
Suggested Application: Instead of fingering a guy in the butthole, make the peace sign in his butthole. That way you’re having sex while making an important point about not having war. (But also: ????)
So, you see, Salon? Kanye doesn’t have a “sex problem” unless the “problem” is he’s too “awesome” at giving sex tips that normal people like me and you and Kim Kardashian can use. So follow these Yeezus tips and give your man (or woman) the greatest fuckmaking of their life. I, for one, fully plan on yelling “I AM A GOD” the next time I have an orgasm.