Have you ever played "what's grosser than gross?" a childhood game where people try to outdo themselves in grotesque scenarios until one person gives up? Let's play it now with the horrifying knowledge that somewhere, somehow, people may have actually done the shit I'm about to tell you. Sometimes with literal shit involved. Often with literal shit involved.
Urban Dictionary, the trusted online compendium for all of those gross terms and phrases you don't know in Cards Against Humanity, is made up of about 99 percent disgusting sexual acts and I've done the dirty work for you, tirelessly combing through definition after awkwardly worded definition to bring you this list of some of the dirtiest, raunchiest and flat-out Oedipus-sticking-pins-in-his-eyeballs sex acts I could find. Because I care about you.
Before we embark on this carefully curated collection of def.s and GIFs together, I'd like to remind you that some of these acts may not be safe for you to try at home. And some, while worthy of a place in the annals of UD, may never have been tried with humans before. One hopes.
The Kentucky Klondike Bar: "The act of freezing a bowel movement and sexually penetrating another with the frozen bowel movement."
Use it in a sentence: I wanted to give my partner a Kentucky Klondike Bar, but my shit took too long to freeze. So we watched the newest episode Two-and-a-Half Men instead. Because Mixology was canceled.
Grossness rating: 3/5 poops.
The Panamanian Petting Zoo: "When one force one's partner to pick the nuts and corn out of a bowel movement. The partner then presents the nuts and corn to in a cup or a dish. One then tosses the nuts and corn onto the bed where the partner eats them like a goat or other typical petting zoo animal. " (Can be combined with the Kentucky Klondike Bar.)
Use it in a sentence: I had the biggest shock of my life when Jason asked if I'd like to go to the Panamanian Petting Zoo with him. Everything was fine, until I saw the corn. I don't remember eating corn? When the hell did I eat corn?
Grossness rating: 5/5 poops.
The Alabama Hot Pocket: 1."the art of seperating the vagina lips and taking a shat inside (and possibly having sex with it afterwards)"
2. "The Alabama Hot Pocket is a special fetish maneuver that roughly involves taking a shit into a woman's vagina, typically followed up by a good ole fuckin'. The term "Alabama" originated from a lesser known, but crucial additional practice that involves "Porky Piggin'" the female who has recieved the Hot Pocket. In Alabama, you see, good old redneck boys, when bored, would fuck pig troughs or large, wet piles of mud. To properly perform the Porky Piggin' follow-up procedure, one must take a massive shit onto the vagina WITHOUT spreading the lips. This creates a core that enters the woman, and then dregs that explode out all over her. By randomly stabbing with the cock, one will successfully Porky Piggin' the girl... repeating, naturally, the action that would normally be associated with screwing a pile of mud or animal trough."
3."A vindictive procedure where a man wearing a condom uses a linement such as Icy Hot or Ben Gay-type heating rub as a condom lubricant (applied only to the exterior or the condom) to give a sexual partner (usually a woman) a nasty, painful suprise."
Use it in a sentence: Henry tries, Marge, but when he gives me an Alabama Hot Pocket it feels more like a science than an art. There's just no passion.
Grossness rating: 5/5 poops.
The Flying Camel: "As your gal is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees. You very carefully move forward and prop yourself (without using your arms) on your dick while it is still inserted in her vagina. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long shrieking howl much like a flying camel. Strictly a class move."
Use it in a sentence: Hey, John, you should never attempt a flying camel at home because, yes, you can break your penis and insurance rates are at an all-time high right now. Too bad we don't live in Canada.
Grossness rating: 3/5 poops.
Cold Lunch: 1. "The simple sexual act of forcing yourself to throw up into another person's mouth, usually in the result of the other person eating it."
2. "when a man pisses and freezes his piss into the shape of of dick. he then has the woman suck both his dick and the frozen piss popsicle at the same time until she eventually winds up with a mouth full of piss slush and cum." [ I recognize that Urban Dictionary's definitions tend to be very hetero-oriented, but this is definitely something that we had in the gay pornography section of the video store I worked at. There were two variations on this theme: In the first, someone would enjoy a piss popsicle while being urinated on in a communal setting. In the second, the act would be almost the same, except the piss popsicle would be a cum popsicle and it would be inserted into all orifices and used as lubricant; urine was not involved. This is called a Devil's Dick] [Fun fact I just remembered: The warehouse where my boss would go to purchase the pornography also doubled as a repository for religious items (It was split in half). I was never allowed to go the warehouse (perhaps my boss (rightly) thought I would go into some kind of gay sex frenzy?) and he was always too shy to ask for particular titles or genres, so I would poll customers on what kind of DVDs they wanted and then would write detailed notes to the warehouse staff. They would include such lines as "our customers would appreciate a selection of videos featuring men absent of traditional god looks" and "one of our customers has asked whether you have anything that features both fisting and a compelling story line."] [One more fun fact: We got free rentals and my boss honestly thought I would take the entire box of new gay releases home on the day he brought it in and test all videos for "quality control" purposes. However, even at 23 I did not possess the necessary stamina or enthusiasm to enjoy over 20 hot new releases in one weekend.]
3. " To be deepthroated so hard you regurgitate on your partners penis and continue sucking."
4. "The act of vomiting directly onto some chick's head while she's performing fellatio." [ I want to imagine this is a consensual act, but it also features vomit so I don't want to imagine it at all.]
Use it in a sentence: No. Vomit is the most disgusting of bodily fluids (to me) and I refuse to sit here and come up with a valid sentence for the purposes of illustrating the Cold Lunch unless there is a significant pay raise in my near future. Thank you.
Grossness rating: 7/5 poops. (Because vomit.)
Charizarding: "When you light a girls pubes on fire, put it out with your jizz then flap your arms and say 'You don't have have enough badges to train me.'" [This is a new take on an old favorite, The Flaming Amazon.]
Use it in a sentence: I want to evolve into a sexual Charmeleon, but I faint every time I Charizard.
Grossness rating: 1/5 Poops. (While amusing, this act is highly improbable. First, you would need to guarantee that you were able to produce enough semen to put out a small fire and, second, you would need to have excellent hand-eye coordination to complete all the steps. No one is actually doing this. No one. Trust me.)
Kennebunkport Surprise: "Secretly, sneakily, the male fills his mouth to near bursting with New England Clam Chowder. Then, whilst performing cunnilingus on a woman, he simultaneously punches both of his cheeks, thus blowing the clam chowder up the woman's vagina." [This could obviously be done by partners of any gender combination. However, I was unable to find any evidence that even one person had ever done this, although googling the term did lead me to some delightful vacation spots in Maine. The surprise is that many fine hotels are actually very reasonably priced, allowing you to enjoy both fine lodgings and all of the art, culture and beautiful scenery that Maine is known for.]
Use it in a sentence: Brad and I wanted to do something different last friday, so we tried the Kennebunkport Surprise. Call me a prude, but I think clam chowder tastes much better in a bowl made out of delicious sourdough bread. It's a bowl. Made out of bread. What a time to be alive!
Grossness rating: 5/5 poops.
The Landshark: "The woman braces herself facing a wall, naked, hands against the wall, legs spread, bent over so that her ass is lusciously jutting out. (hint: She might want to wear a biking helmet and some rollerblading wrist guards to avoid serious injury.) Next, the guy also naked as well as stiff cocked, walks to the opposite end of the room, places his palms together and raises them above his head, (thus imitating the dorsal fin of a shark) and begins chanting the theme to Jaws. When given some predetermined signal, the guy sprints toward the girl at full speed with his pelvis-out, fin protruding, and rams her dead square in the ass." [Again, this could be done by partners of any gender combination, but apparently Urban Dictionary has not yet heard of strap-ons; As a gay man, I also think (and this is just my opinion) that this is something gay couples are more likely to do than straight couples because dudes are gross and also sometimes we do hilarious shit in bed. But you know, everyone is gross, so actually any couple is equally likely to do this.]
Use it in a sentence: My favorite part of The Landshark is hearing the iconic theme composed by John Williams. Sometimes, I like to have the other person start a few rooms away so I can hear the entire thing before engaging in mutually satisfying sexual congress followed by waffles.
Grossness rating: 2/5 poops. (Mainly because it is more dangerous than gross? Totally believe that people have done this; will admit would have tried if I knew about this like when I was 18.)
Ballcuzi: "Place your nuts in a bowl of warm water. Then have a girl put a straw into the bowl and blow bubbles under your balls. Rubber ducky is optional of course."
Use it in a sentence: Their hot tub was broken, so Lee and Jordan took turns in the ballcuzi.
Grossness rating: 2/5 poops. (Doable, but a little uninspired.)
Please note that while the first nine of these sex tips were rated on a scale of one to five poops for grossness, this last act, presented in only a few short sentences is probably the most disgusting thing you will read today. Maybe this week. Yes, it's even grosser than rosebud. I have an iron stomach for this stuff at this point and even I dry heaved a little. Please believe me when I say that there is likely nothing grosser than what you are about to read. And I'm not going to use it in a sentence. Okay? Okay.
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Munging: "The one thing worse than genocide. One must first have no shame. Then he/she must use a newspaper to find the obituary of a recently deceased man or woman. Then must find a buddy, with no shame, who will aid them in this act. The partners then go to the cemetary where they dig up their victim, and flip a coin. The loser, (or winner depending on how sick you are), applies his/her lips to the genitals or anus of the corpse, while the other partner procedes to climb the nearest tombstone and elbow drop the corpse's stomach. Thus forcing out a blend of rich bodily fluids and embalming materials onto the partners. This blend is called mung. The act of getting this blend on your face is called munging. Chicks'll dig this one."
Grossness rating: 173/5 poops. (But at least no one's actually doing this, right? Right?) (I'll see myself out.)
Illustration by Tara Jacoby