Break out your sleeping mask and Ambien prescription! For this week’s Pissing Contest, we’re talking about our weirdest ever sex dreams!

Our very own Clover has “had sex with tons of celebs in my dreams,” Ellie and Kate have both had sex dreams about the same obscure rando [Editor’s Note: Man that they both know], and Emma recently had a dream that “Kirsten Dunst recruited me for Scientology.” Not a sex dream, but equally disturbing! I once had a dream that I gave Alan Rickman a HJ and he was VERY ungrateful.

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But before we get into your stories of gross dream sex, we honor the heartbreaking winners of our last Pissing Contest, The Meanest Thing a Parent Has Said About Your Looks.

Poor JenisaurusRex:

While I was getting in the car to go to my little sister’s funeral...

Grandma (to my brother): My, you’ve lost a lot of weight!

She then turns to me: And it looks like you gained it all.

Why thanks, lady. I didn’t realize that I had gained weight (sarcasm). I tend to eat when stressed and my poor, precious baby sister was terminally ill for six months. I ate and drank a lot of my feelings during that time. My grandmother doesn’t have much of a filter (obviously), but I was fucking STUNNED. I quickly jumped into whatever car I was getting into, shut the door and started bawling my eyes out.

One of my favorite aunties happened to be walking in the garage as this went down, and I heard she pulled my grandma out of the garage and gave her a good talking to.

It’s been ten years, and here I am bawling on my couch while I’m writing this. I’d like to say I have completely forgiven her, but she managed to cause some irreprepable damage. That was the moment I realized that you can love your family, but you certainly don’t have to like them.

Jesus Christ, Brene Brawn:

“You are the fattest person I’ve ever had the misfortune of meeting.” -Mom

I was twelve.

And the saintly and forgiving nosleepdreams:

My mom is an incredible woman but suffers from alcoholism. Sometimes she is a very mean drunk and during those times she has said the most cruel things about my appearance- seizing on my insecurities I had shared with her and throwing them back in my face. But the worst was when she sarcastically said my rape was hard to believe because “who would want you when there are so many other girls?” The pain of that is still in my bones. But deep enough to not always feel the sharpness of it. I forgave her, but part of me wonders the same thing. Why me? And my mother probably knew it. She knows me better than I know myself and it makes her all the more able to hurt me. But in the morning I always forgive her. I love her to this day I love her- she is what I know.

Congrats on the win? Regardless of what your shitty, mean relatives say, we think you’re all great.

Alright, folks. Ready to get weird?


Contact the author at madeleine@jezebel.com.

Image via Buffy/CW.