• Prince William MIGHT ask Kate Middleton to marry him tomorrow, since June 3 and June 4 are "mysteriously blocked out" in the Buckingham Palace calendar.

• Michael Lohan says he knows who Lindsay's drug dealer is:

[Los Angeles, CA. May 16. Image via INFDaily.]

• A picture of Zach Braff smoking weed has surfaced. He's the next Michael Phelps! (Except for like, all the medals.) [Perez Hilton]

• Emily Blunt and John Krasinski: totally sitting in a tree, kissing and whatevs. Perez suggests "Bluntinski" as their celeb couple nickname, but we feel we can do better! How about Krunt? Or EmJo? [Perez]

• Kirsten Dunst has a obtained a restraining order against her stalker, who keeps showing up at her house. In the order, Kirsten states: "Mr. Smith's sudden, aggressive, and harassing efforts to contact me are extremely frightening. I fear not only for my own personal safety, but also for the safety and well being of…

The always-relevant Onion A.V. Club has coined a term for the type of movie girl-woman whom we've long despised: the Manic Pixie Dream Girl. The A.V. Club defines the MPDG as "that bubbly, shallow cinematic creature that exists solely in the fevered imaginations of sensitive writer-directors to teach broodingly…

Potentially sad news: the National Enquirer is reporting that Patrick Swayze has an insidious form of cancer and has five weeks to live. If it's true, how awful. If it's not, WTF Enquirer. In possibly bad timing, Best Week Ever has The Top 20 Stupid Faces Made By Patrick Swayze in Ghost. But you know, laughter can be…

[February 12, Los Angeles. Photo via Bauer-Griffin.]

[Los Angeles, CA; December 23. Image via INF.]

This is how Zach Braff makes out: "Some men are kissing monsters! They do this" (she stuck out her tongue) "or they do this" (she stuck out her tongue and wiggled it around.) Says who? Arden Wohl. Do we have to forgive her now for occupying that space in our brains where geometry once was? Or do we disapprove of…

• Jude Law was arrested for allegedly assaulting a photographer outside his home in West London. [The Sun]
  
• Is Chelsy Davy moving to London to be near boyfriend Prince Harry? Also, y so many ys? [The Sun]
  
• Britney's bodyguard has been formally charged with battery after last month's scuffle with paparazzi in Las Vegas. […

• Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams: SPLIT! "They've been fighting for six months," says a source. Their daughter, Matilda, is 23 months old. [Star]
  
• Michelle's dad says he has "great respect for Heath" even though the dad was "never invited into their world." Maybe because he's self-exiled in Australia for tax evasion?[

• Kate Moss only made $9 million in the last year, making her the second highest-paid model. Gisele Bundchen made four times as much. Heidi Klum? Eh. Came in at #3. [TelegraphUK]
  
• But money isn't everything: Gisele is reportedly unhappy that her boyfriend's preggers baby mama is due for delivery... on Gisele's own…

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, the Wednesday refresher course in all the week's most important news we provide you free of charge so you don't fail the exam. In which we (and our trusty TA who does all the work) Intern Maria "read" the Wednesday celebrity tabs. So you don't "have" to.

• Paris Hilton may act like she cares about her pets but really she only cares about Paris Paris Paris — and her neighbors totally see right through that bitch. [Page Six]
  
• And yet idiots everywhere persist in loving her! [TMZ]
  
• Supermodel Kate Moss is thin. Maybe she has some unhealthy habits? [Daily Mirror]
  
…

• Alpha Girl Next Door Holly Madison to make the octogenarispawn of Hef. [Rush & Molloy]
  
• This one time, George Clooney made a weird joke on Leno about visiting Stonehenge and it was actually an inside joke with the Vegas stripper he was fucking. (Aw?) Also: "He has perfect feet for a man." [Daily Mirror]
  
• My suspicion is…

The Tony Awards (otherwise known as the "Gay Super Bowl") were last night and, of course, we just had to comment on the clothes. The play-by-play, after the jump.

• Adam Levine and Zach Braff are probably two of the most intriguing men of our age. One is the frontman for Maroon 5, which some record company executive once told us was basically our generation's heir to The Police, while the other gave us the not-at-all masturbatory Garden State, and a few weeks ago asked had his…