• Michael Lohan says he knows who Lindsay's drug dealer is:

"This guy follows Lindsay all over the place. All over," Papa Lohan claims. "Lindsay pays for him to go everywhere. He has no job. No job. He does nothing. All he does is supply everyone in LA." [NY Post]

• The producers of Sex And The CIty 2 are pulling out all the stops: Penelope Cruz, Miley Cyrus and Liza Minnelli are all confirmed to do cameo appearances. It seems like each will play herself. [Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom are in a "bitter pre-nup battle." Does this mean the honeymoon is over? [Radar Online]
• CBS is investigating the Letterman scandal and may air something on CBS News: A source says: "From having talked to some friends there, who are pretty highly placed, they really want to hit this story hard, like any other journalistic story." [NY Observer]
• According to a document dug up by TMZ, David Letterman's production company, Worldwide Pants, has a sexual harassment policy, but it does not prohibit sexual liaisons in the office, provided they're not "unsolicited and unwelcome." [TMZ]
• Will Michael Jackson's kids be included in an upcoming reality show about The Jackson family? Janet Jackson is okay with it, but Rebbie Jackson "feels Michael would spin in his grave if he knew his kids would be on the show." [NY Post
• Mel B. says there's a Spice Girls comeback in the works: "We're actually working on it right now. I don't want to say too much because I don't want to spoil the surprise, but it's really, really exciting. I can't wait to be singing with the girls again." [The Sun]
• Pamela Anderson's latest fashion accessory is a nine-year-old girl. [Page Six]
• Roman Polanski is continuing to fight extradition. [NY Times]
• And Roman Polanski is working on a film, The Ghost, — which stars Pierce Brosnan — from his prison cell. It should be out in February. [Telegraph]
• Even though Jon Gosselin told Larry King "it's not healthy for my kids to be on the show," he doesn't seem to mind if cameras film his twins' birthday party, [MSNBC Scoop]
• When Katherine Heigl and Josh Kelly adopted their daughter Naleigh, they mentioned that she had special needs. Now Kelly reveals: "She had two holes in her heart when she was born, so she had open-heart surgery when she was 3 months old." But, he adds: "Naleigh's definitely getting stronger, so much so that she's crawling and starting to pull herself up." [MSNBC Scoop]
• Courtney Love owes $324,335.21 in back taxes. [TMZ]
• Tracy Morgan slams Chris Kattan and Cheri Oteri in his new book. [Gatecrasher, Gawker]
• Unsolicited uterus update: Padma Lakshmi's pregnancy is being called a "miracle" since she had undergone two surgeries or endometriosis. Also , the father is not frequent companion Manu Nathan, who she says is "a cousin and dear friend." [People]
• Your WTF headline of the day: "Drugs, Feces and the Final Days of Anna Nicole Smith." [E!]
• "Anna Nicole Smith's last days: too weak to walk or sit up… The model drifted in and out of consciousness and could drink only from a baby bottle." [LA Times]
• BREAKING: Ed Westwick and Chace Crawford played ping-pong at Susan Sarandon's table tennis joint, SPiN. [Gatecrasher]
• Harry Connick Jr. on that blackface skit in Australia: "I'm pleased with the way I handled the situation." He canceled an autograph session and interviews in Sydney after the show. "It was very hot. It was a subject that was very, very controversial. So we just decided to take a couple of days off. I wasn't worried about physical harm." [AP]
• Click for a pic of Jason Lewis in bed. It's a campaign for Charisma linens. [Gatecrasher]
• Another woman is suing Dr. Phil, claiming she, too, was forced to be in the same room with a naked man.That's two now — three's a trend! [TMZ]
• Zach Braff is alive, despite what you might have seen on Facebook. [Gatecrasher]
• With roles in Glee and Julie & Julia, after being hilarious in Best In Show and A Mighty Wind, "Jane Lynch is having a very big year." [LA Times]
• Robert De Niro's swanky penthouse on top of his TriBeCa hotel is bigger than the Landmark Preservation Committee had originally approved and therefore illegal. When questioned about his apartment, De Niro said, "Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me? [Gothamist]
• Pete Wentz is supporting the clean water initiative but will not climb Mount Kilimanjaro like Jessica Biel. He jokes: "I really won't do anything but Everest, because it's the highest." And he says wife Ashlee probably won't, either: "Knowing her, she'd want to do it in Gucci high heels." [Gatecrasher]
• Chris Pine — aka James T. Kirk in Star Trek — is in negotiations to play Jack Ryan in new flicks based on the Tom Clancy novels. [Variety]
• Matthew Perry's new TV show, which NBC was trying to snap up, will end up at ABC instead. [Deadline Hollywood]
• Justin "I'm A Mac" Long joins James McAvoy and Robin Wright Penn in The Conspirator, a historical drama about Confederate sympathizer tried for the Lincoln assasination, directed by Robert Redford. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Lenny Kravitz drinks vodka on stage. [Page Six]
• Um, the Backstreet Boys are still together? And have a new album? Howie D. explains in this interview. [Reuters]
• Unbreak your heart: Toni Braxton has defaulted on mortgage payments and Bank of America is on the verge of foreclosing on her place. [TMZ]
• Jeffrey Tambor (aka George Bluth Sr.) and his wife welcomed twin boys on October 4. [E!]
• Robin Givens: Working on a book and a movie about the first African saint. [Page Six]
• "He's a lot more tender and sweeter than you would ever guess from the show. If I were in trouble he'd be top of my list of people to call, believe it or not - and you'd never guess that from seeing the show, but that's the truth." — Mary Steenburgen on Curb Your Enthusiasm's Larry David. [Mirror]
• "Well, when the doctor said I was pregnant, I heard a voice saying, 'That's the man you're going to marry.' The voice was my mother's." — Marge Simpson, to Playboy. [Page Six]
• "It's not the big, dramatic change that people are making it out to be. [But] she finally gets her braces off!" — America Ferrera on her Ugly Betty transformation. [Gatecrasher]
• "I can't say anything very concrete… I'm facing the possibility to make my first movie in English next year if everything goes well." — Pedro Almodovar. [NY Observer]
• "He made himself, by himself. John and I never wanted to push him into music, so I was prepared that he might become an archaeologist or something. John didn't even want to tell him that he was a Beatle. Sean found out from someone else. One day, he even asked John, 'Were you a Beatle?' But he was always there when I recorded something. I think it started when John and I did Double Fantasy, and John would say that Sean should come. After John's passing, Sean was always there at my recordings. And he experienced it-he remembers that I used this instrument or that instrument. Later, when Sean was in his twenties, I found out that he knew all of the Beatles' songs, all of John's songs and all of my songs-every lyric." — Yoko Ono. [BlackBook]
• "I'm attracted to younger men, no doubt. Yeah, they're cute. I'm like one of the original cougars." — Courteney Cox. [USA Today]
• "Everyone knows you don't date Russell Brand seriously. Russell likes the idea of having a se rious relationship, but when you've got all these different flavors of ice cream offered to you on a plate, you're not going to stick with vanilla, are you? I don't think he's capable of monogamy." — Russell Brand's ex-girlfriend, Georgina Baillie, who thinks Katy Perry will have her heart broken. But what if Katy likes variety too?!?! [NY Post]

[Los Angeles, CA. May 16. Image via INFDaily.]

• Christian Bale looks dirty and hot on the cover of the new EW! Inside, he talks about that infamous rant that was so popular it got turned into a dance remix:

''I don't care to go into details because, you know what, I don't believe in making excuses,'' he says. ''It doesn't matter. It was unacceptable. I went too far. And I learned from it.'' He continues: "I was surprised at myself hearing it back. These things happen, and you don't realize how long you're going in the heat of the moment. I would just say: inexcusable, my fault, yes, I did it, no excuses." As for apologizing on the radio, he did so because: "I was being told how it had gone like wildfire, and I was worried that it could completely overwhelm the movie itself. There's so much hard work that's gone into this. We had 77 days of smooth running and four minutes of me just going way too far - and that shouldn't characterize the making of the movie. My concern was that people would unfairly judge the movie based on my bad behavior." More at the link! [EW]

• Uh-oh: Gerard Butler has been charged with misdemeanor battery after a "run-in" with a paparazzo on October 7. He's not required to appear in court. [USA Today]
• Natalie Portman is still seeing Sean Penn, and just bought a gothic mansion in L.A. What does it mean? [Page Six]
• The uncle and grandmother of the little girl Madonna was trying to adopt are seeking legal action against the man who claims he is the child's father. [Mirror]
• Terry Gilliam is hoping Heath Ledger will will a second posthumous Oscar for his film, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. [NY Mag]
• Christian Bale says his daughter will not be an actress: "Amateur is absolutely fine, but no way professionally. I've seen the way that unfortunately some kids are unhappy in those situations. There's no way I'd put my daughter through that." [Daily Mail]
• Ben Stiller, his wife Christine Taylor and Ricky Gervais toured the White House yesterday. President Obama was in New Mexico. [Reuters]
• Oprah now has 1 million followers on Twitter. Are you one of them? [Business Insider]
• It seems that Britney's dad punched Sam Lutfi in the chest at some point last year, but he was "provoked" and trying to "protect" Brit. [TMZ]
• Of course TMZ has screen shots from the surveillance video of the attempted break-in at Lindsay Lohan's house. If you want to see a Dodge Magnum station wagon and two guys doing something shady, go ahead and click. [TMZ]
• "Lindsay Lohan finally lands another acting gig - but can she behave on set?" [NY Daily News]
• Will Pink and Carey Hart have another wedding, even though they never really got divorced? "I love a party," Pink tells Ellen. [People]
• Magician Criss Angel is an alleged cat thief. [Page Six]
• Kelly Osbourne has written a book! "It's more of a self-help book for young women, the 13 major things that will happen to you before you turn 21 and what I did - most of them not right - and my advice and what I would have done differently." [Mirror]
• This was in Midweek Madness, but here it is again: Ashlee Simpson is pregnant with her second child. [PopCrunch]
• Guess who is getting a role in a West End musical, thanks to Andrew Lloyd Webber? Ms. Susan Boyle. [Telegraph]
• Why did Shanna Moakler resign from the Miss California USA Organization? "The turning point for me, I guess, was when I was watching the Today show and [Carrie Prejean] was sitting there continuing to lie. And it's obvious to everybody that the lying is still going on. I just couldn't stand behind her." [Yahoo News via E!]
• Do what you must to prepare yourself: Coming in 2011? Bridget Jones The Musical. [Daily Mail]
• Jane Krakowski wants Barack Obama to be on 30 Rock: "We've had Steve Martin. We've had Oprah. We've had Jerry Seinfeld. We've had all these great musical greats. Let's just go for the big guns now." [E!]
• Speaking of 30 Rock, Judah Friedlander and Alec Baldwin are both working on interesting side projects. [NY Times]
• Last week's "Motherlover" video Andy Samberg made with Justin Timberlake wasn't finished until 3 a.m. Saturday — hours before it would air. Samberg hopes to make a video with host Will Ferrell this week! [USA Today]
• What's this? More Scrubs? With Zach Braff and Sarah Chalke signing on? [E!]
• Ew: "Desperate Jordan has sent hubby Peter Andre a string of begging text messages pleading: 'If you let me come back I'll be like a wild animal in bed again.'" [The Sun]
• Eighteen years after winning an Oscar in Silence Of The Lambs, Sir Anthony Hopkins will play Hannibal Lecter again. Will Cate Blanchett play the FBI agent? [Daily Express]
• The Jonas Brothers have postponed shows in Mexico because of the swine flu. [Reuters]
• This article has interesting details about Steven Soderbergh's new film, The Girlfriend Experience; some scenes were improvised: "For instance, a scene where Mr. Santos's character interviews for a job at a gym was done in a single take. Mr. Soderbergh says he simply set up two cameras and instructed Mr. Santos and the gym's actual manager to do a mock interview. 'I just said, 'try and get a job from this guy. See if you can convince him to give you a job.' The exchange lasted about eight minutes, and was edited down to a one minute scene in the final version of the film. 'My experience has been, the more takes you do, the worse it gets,' says Mr. Soderbergh." [WSJ]
• California health regulators have fined the hospital where employees snooped in the medical records of Nadya Suleman, to the tune of $250,000. [LA Times]
• Erin Lucas, who is Whitney Port's BFF on The City, is talking shit about Kristin Cavallari, new star of The Hills. Lauren is such a genuine girl. She wears her heart on her sleeve, and she was real with the whole thing. I don't think Kristin is on that level. Wasn't Kristin like all gung-ho about being an actress? I mean, I read interviews last week, for that matter, where she's quoted making fun of the show and trashing it and saying she would never be a part of it. So to go from trashing a show, to go on and replace the girl you fucked over in high school…I don't see it going anywhere pretty." And who are you again? [E!]
• Lyrics from Peaches (not Geldof — electro Peaches!): "I drink a whiskey neat/You lick my crow's feet/Coming up to see me like I was Mae West/less like Tina/but I'm simply the best/Call me Robyn Cradel/baby baby be my guest." In this interview, she says: "I'm going to make aging cool." [NY Daily News]
• Holly Madison will replace Kelly Monaco in the "sultry" Las Vegas revue, Peepshow, which Mel B. also appears in. Although there are topless dancers in the show, neither Mel nor Holly will be barechested. [People]
• "Why George Harrison begged one young fan to stop throwing Jelly Babies at The Beatles." [Daily Mail]
• Farrah Fawcett loves Van Morrison, so the musician filmed his recent shows so he could give copies to Fawcett to watch while she's home in bed, fighting cancer. [E!]
• "Farrah's Story is as much about becoming aware of our own mortality as it is seeing a cultural icon fight the disease." [MSNBC]
• Even though they have been together for nearly 20 years, Ryan O'Neal and Farrah Fawcett never got married, but he says he would do it now: "She's still a little bit hesitant. I'm working though, I'm working." [Mirror]
• Ryan O'Neal says of Farrah: "I kind of wish that she would go to sleep, just go to sleep. It's not my right, but I just don't see how she could be happy." [NY Daily News]
• Candy Spelling has known Farrah Fawcett for over 30 years — Aaron Spelling produced Charlie's Angels — and Candy says of Farrah Fawcett's cancer: "When I first heard, I don't know if it was a year or two years ago when we first heard, and I contacted her. I hadn't talked to her in a while. She said, 'I'm going to be alright, Candy. Everything is going to be all right.'" [CNN]
• Anna Friel of Pushing Daisies will play Holly Golightly in a new stage adaptation of Breakfast At Tiffany's in London. [Variety]
• Blind item! "Which troubled young starlet was caught doing lines with her new bestie at a hot NYC club?" [Gatecrasher]
• "I probably haven't worn my heart on my sleeve like this since the second Cranberries album." — Dolores O'Riordan. [USA Today]
• "I wasn't intending to do a popular television series. I was intending to do film and theatre. I got waylaid a little. Since that's over, I've got back to doing what I originally intended to do." — Gillian Anderson, whom you may know as Dana Scully, but who is starring in A Doll's House on the stage in London. [Daily Express]
• "I really believe on a daily basis that there's a line of communication between me and my dogs which we haven't defined yet. I really talk to them. And I also talk to my guinea pig, Mr James, every single morning. I sit and watch him on that wheel every day, trying to answer the question that is: 'Do they do it for exercise? Or do they think they're going to reach a destination?' Because that's a terrible metaphor for all of us. Because that's all life is perhaps? Nobody is gonna tell you the truth like I do." — Dustin Hoffman. [Independent]
• "I think Dan Brown is a terribly bad writer, but he has cliffhangers after every chapter which makes you continue reading. It's like eating peanuts at a bar. You don't like them, but you keep on eating them anyway." — Stellan Skarsgard, who only took a park in Angels & Demons because the script was different from the book. [Newser via AP]
• "To me, 10 o'clock is like the new 11:30. I hear more and more people, even young people, say 'I can't stay up past 11. I car pool, I gotta get up at 6.'" — Jay Leno. [CNN]
• "He always had the most ridiculous fashion. When it came to hairstyles he would have blow-dried hair like the Bay City rollers, then an awful perm. When he was 14 he tried to grow a moustache." — Simon Cowell's brother Nicholas. [The Sun]
• "Her boyfriend Tony Romo is one of my favourite quarterbacks. So I felt kinda conflicted doing the Jessica thing. Jessica got fat. I mean, not really fat, but she certainly got fat for, well, Jessica Simpson. I've always wanted people to be able to look at each video and go 'oh remember what was going on at that moment.' You know what I mean? 'Oh, that's when Jessica Simpson got fat, oh OK.' And even if she gets thin again, that's fine. Just for that moment in time, she was fat." — Eminem. [Mirror]
• "People were telling me, 'Christian, you're too good for Terminator.' And I'm thinking, I'm too good? I'm not a snob. I really fucking enjoy watching a good action movie. Who do you think I am?!'' — Christian Bale. [EW]
• "Being a mom makes me feel whole and like I understand the meaning of life." — Rebecca Romijn, to In Style. [People]

• Rihanna was the big show-stopper at the Met Ball: Celebs cheered when she took the stage to perform. And! At an after-party, guess who RiRi was in deep convo with?

None other than Ms. Anna Wintour. Will someone be gracing the pages of Vogue very soon? [Gatecrasher]

• Have people stopped returning Lindsay Lohan's phone calls? Apparently Pharrell Williams had offered to help her revive her music career, she tells Interview: "He's an amazing guy. He's only been really kind to me whenever I've met him. He said, 'I'd love to make a great record with you, but I want to take you out of all the elements that you're used to. Let's go away. Let's go somewhere nice where you can be focused, and let's make an album there.'" Of course, she hasn't heard from him since and says: "Pharrell, please call me back!" [Daily Express]
• It seems that Kiefer Sutherland did indeed intentionally headbutt Proenza Schouler designer Jack McCollough, who allegedly knocked over Brooke Shields; Kiefer was coming to Brooke's rescue or something. Met Ball dramz! [TMZ]
• Brooke Shields' rep is saying "nothing happened to her" and "Jack did nothing inappropriate. It's not clear what caused Kiefer to do what he did." [TMZ]
• A source says Kiefer Sutherland "was really drunk and he got accidentally bumped by McCollough. They started arguing and then he just head-butted him." Hmm. Kiefer's been arrested for DUI twice. [Page Six]
• More on this in Midweek Madness, but Us magazine is confirming that star of Jon & Kate Plus 8 Jon Gosselin, 32, has been having an affair with third grade school teacher Deanna Hummel, 23. [Just Jared]
• Amy Winehouse's dad is kicking "freeloading pals" out of her hotel room in St. Lucia — her two friends Violetta and Thalia were having "all-day boozing sessions" on Amy's dime. A source says: "Amy performs for the first time in ages at the St Lucia Jazz Festival this week. Mitch knows she has to get it right." [The Sun]
• Paula Abdul is saying pain killers are to blame for when she would "get weird." [MSNBC Scoop]
• Madonna is planning a concert in St. Petersburg, Russia, but local authorities are calling it a "natural disaster" and want "guarantees that there will be no blasphemy." Ha! [Page Six]
• Victoria Beckham wears her sunglasses at night. In the rain. [The Sun]
• Excellent news: Mindy Kaling has a new deal with NBC; she'll continue to write for and appear on The Office next season while simultaneously developing a comedy in which she would also star. She says: "This is my first step in a Transformers-style way to take over the whole world." [Variety]
• Holy gray T-shirt! These pictures of Simon Cowell's new £15million mansion which looks over the Hollywood Hills are absolutely stunning. [Daily Mail]
• In a deposition regarding a lawsuit that Paris Hilton didn't do enough to promote 2006 box office bomb Pledge This, Paris says she promoted the flick "any chance I got." Her lawyer says, "She's the single busiest person on the planet." [AP]
• "Robert Pattinson 'baffled' by fans." [Mirror]
• The weight watchers have moved from Jessica and Lindsay to the King of Pop: Michael Jackson has allegedly been warned that he is "too thin" and needs to gain about 20 lbs before his 50 live shows in the UK. [The Sun]
• Details on Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard's wedding! It took place in a cloister of a convent that's a luxury bed and breakfast in Brindisi, Italy; Jake and Reese were there; guests mingled in the garden, which features a pool, wines from the nearby town of Lecce were served. [People]
• Oprah's Twitter stunt of offering everyone in America a free chicken dinner: Newsworthy. [Time]
• Speaking of Ms. Winfrey, you knew this would happen: Susan Boyle will be on Oprah. [Daily Express]
• Yesterday was Chris Brown's birthday; he turned 20 and it was "low-key." [People]
• Mia Farrow is ten days into her hunger strike for Darfur. A few days ago she said: "At this point I don't think about food. I am weaker and I am mostly in bed. I am clear-minded. I sleep less." She also says: "No one voted for President Obama with more excitement and passion than I did, but he's really been lagging and the people of Darfur can't wait." [Guardian]
• Mia Farrow is documenting her fast on YouTube. [Page Six]
• Joel Madden went on a Twitter rant after he and baby Harlow were surrounded by photographers at an airport: "Let me just say shame on any magazine or blog that post pics of us in the miami airport. The photographers were acting like animals. it was the first time i've ever seen my child scared. Not cool for any parent to see. At least in LA they gave us some space. These guys were sticking flashes in her face and bumping in to us and yelling. The most unnecessary force i've ever seen." [Perez]
• Village Voice columnist Michael Musto says Miss California USA once posed with "trannie extraordinaire" Amanda Lepore. He asked Amanda about it, but she says: "I don't remember meeting her. You know how many pictures I take!" Of Carrie Prejean's pageant answer, Ms. Lepore says: "That was stupid. She could never make a career in TV. Gays monopolize everything! She's a dummy! Now she's trying to have churches help her. That doesn't sound promising. But at least she has big tits. She can marry a high roller and have miserable kids that hate her." Musto adds: "All thanks to opposite marriage!" [Village Voice]
• Unfake my heart: A Las Vegas entertainer faces fraud charges for impersonating Toni Braxton. [AP]
• Back in the '90s, Bono wrote a poem about Elvis; it will be broadcast on the UK's Radio 4 on May 13. [The Sun]
• Rachel Weisz will star in an indie political drama, The Whistleblower, which is based on the true story of a female cop from Nebraska who serves as a peacekeeper in post-war Bosnia and exposes a United Nations cover-up of a sex trafficking scandal. [Variety]
• Will Ferrell is in talks to star in a comedy called Neighborhood Watch, directed by the guy who did Wedding Crashers. [Variety]
• Cameron Diaz plays the mother of a sick child in My Sister's Keeper, and although she appears bald in the film, didn't shave her head: She only needed to be bald for one day of shooting. [LA Times]
• Kate Walsh's divorce continues to be a mess. [TMZ]
• Debbie Matenoppoulos will get $3,595 per month in spousal support from her ex, Jay Faires. She currently lives in the couple's home and is responsible for paying all expenses, including the mortgage. [Radar Online]
• Shimmy shimmy ya: Ol' Dirty Bastard will be memorialized in an upcoming documentary and a series of tribute albums, all produced by his cousin Raison Allah Iceman. [Telegraph]
• Blind item! "Which very taken Oscar winner has been sending lots of flowers to a pretty fashion publicist?" [Gatecrasher]
• "There are many duos we wanted to draw from. Something as eccentric as The Odd Couple to Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Withnail and I and Laurel and Hardy. It's the kind of friendship you can only have with someone of the same sex, a person you adore but who infuriates you." — Jude Law on the relationship between Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson in Guy Ritchie's new flick Sherlock Holmes. [USA Today]
• "There's tons of stuff in my name. I mean, if I told you how many Facebook pages have my name on it, you wouldn't believe it. But I am going to join Facebook. I've been doing the MySpace thing a long time and I realize a lot of people are doing Twitter, I just don't want to know what people are doing every single second of their day. I find it a little invasive, but people are into it. To each their own. I don't have the desire to send out messages all day long. That's not me. I'd rather be doing something else." — Zach Braff [Time]

• A picture of Zach Braff smoking weed has surfaced. He's the next Michael Phelps! (Except for like, all the medals.) [Perez Hilton]

• Speaking of Michael Phelps, Kelloggs has dumped 2 tons of cereal with boxes featuring Phelps at the San Francisco Food Bank. [Perez Hilton]
• There's reportedly friction between Rihanna's people and Chris Brown's people. Chris's handlers are desperate to put out a picture of the two together, while Rihanna's posse is outraged at Chris and say a picture of the two together will hurt her career. [TMZ]
• The father of Chris Brown's manager, Tina Davis, says the speculation that his daughter is having a romantic relationship with Chris and texted him on the night of the attack is nothing but "old rumors." Davis was first accused of hooking up with Chris in 2005, when he was 16, but they have always denied it. [Yahoo]
• Rihanna partied at a club last night with friends for a belated 21st birthday celebration. Chris was not in attendance. [E!]
• Sort of good news: Chris Brown has withdrawn himself from consideration for a Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Award. [Yahoo]
• There were only four donations made to Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's charity last year. One from Angie, one from Brad, on from an Ocean's Eleven producer, and curiously, one from E!. It's unclear what favor the network was looking for, as it certainly didn't inspire Angie and Brad to chat with Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet. [Fox News]
• John Mayer has approached jeweller Lorraine Schwartz to create a diamond engagement ring for Jennifer Aniston. Apparently that gold toe ring he got her didn't cut it. [The Mirror]
• Ivanka Trump thinks it's funny that people keep comparing her to Paris Hilton. She says: "It's no more obvious a comparison than between myself and George Bush. Paris is fine - she is what she is - but her lifestyle wouldn't appeal to me." [The Daily Expres]
• Though DJ AM's rep denies it, there's a rumor that he was booked on the Continental flight that crashed in Buffalo last month but didn't board the plane. If he did, that would mean he survived a second fatal plane crash. [TMZ]
• In this video, Peaches Geldof recounts a sweet story about the time Michael Jackson sat her on his knee and stroked her when she was a child. [The Sun]
• When asked how it felt to be returning to the red carpet after a hiatus, Julia Roberts said, "Just terrifying, awful. It's scary out there – but it's nice ... I've put on three different outfits to come here tonight, three!" [People]
• David Boreanaz and his wife are expecting their second child. They have a 6-year-old son. [People]
• Some very creepy human being took a hidden video of Vanessa Hudgens during a workout class at her gym. [Perez Hilton]
• The Parents Television Council has filed complaint about Family Guy. They're objecting to parts of last week's episode that "bestiality, orgies and babies eating sperm." The PTC didn't complain that Peter was involved in a gay 11 way orgy, so at least they're not homophobic! [NY Magazine]
• Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones had lunch with former Defense Secretary Bill Cohen and his wife Janet in Washington, D.C. today. [Politico]
• LeAnn Rimes is also in D.C. talking to members of Congress about her battle with psoriasis. [Politico]
• Anne Heche gave birth to her first child with boyfriend/co-star James Tupper this weekend. They've named the boy Atlas. [Us]
• There are new pictures of Patrick Swayze on the cover of The National Enquirer and he doesn't look very good. [The L.A. Times]
• Gisele Bundchen says she's looking forward to having a big family but for now she's enjoying her 18-month-old stepson John Edward Moynahan. "It's amazing that I have the opportunity to hang out with my stepson all the time," says Gisele. "He is so kind. He loves blueberries, and every now and then my dog, Vida, tries to get some food from him. He is so nice that he will give her the blueberries first. He is so cute and has such a sweet demeanor." [People]
• Katie Holmes' bob haircut is no more. She she showed up at the Japanese premiere of Valkyrie with extensions. [E!]
• Ashton Kutcher has posted more profound thoughts on Twitter. He writes: "can we just get clear, calling some one 'gay' or 'fag' is as derogatory as calling someone a 'nigger'. U look like an idiot when you do it." But have the people of Twitter had it with Kutcher? One of his followers responded, "what are you a fucking philosopher…learn how to punch and learn how to stop being so gay kelso." [Jossip]
• Michael Jackson has added 20 more dates to his London concert series. [E!]
• James Gandolfini's doctor says his vocal cords need a rest so the Wednesday matinee performance of his Broadway play God of Carnage was cancelled. [AP]
• HBO has apologized to the Mormon church because an upcoming episode of Big Love shows the religion's secretive endowment ceremony. But, HBO isn't pulling the episode. [AP]
• For some reason Hugh Hefner was the one who called ex-girlfriend Holly Madison and told her she was being offered a spot on Dancing With the Stars. Former co-girlfriend Kendra Wilkinson says, ""I think people get on her and think she doesn't know how to dance - but hip-hop dances she needs to work on, but ballroom dancing she's great at, she has great feet." [People]

• Emily Blunt and John Krasinski: totally sitting in a tree, kissing and whatevs. Perez suggests "Bluntinski" as their celeb couple nickname, but we feel we can do better! How about Krunt? Or EmJo? [Perez]

• Jim Carrey wanted to clear up the comments he made the other day on Larry King about Prozac's lack of long-term efficacy. "There are a lot of different ways to skin a cat," Carrey tells People, "It's important to think on our own…There is drug company money that goes into the educational system. I'm saying you have to look outside that, and consider the other possibilities for people." Thanks Jim. There's no possible way I could think for myself unless a celebrity told me how to. [People]
• Hugh Jackman says that Hollywood was not fun for his wife Deb, especially at the beginning. "When we first went to Hollywood people would ignore her. She’d call it the chopped liver syndrome. She would be literally hit away as [women] tried to get to me. It takes adjusting for me too. Sometimes I don’t understand why I am getting this attention." [Telegraph]
• Hugh Jackman's director in Australia, Baz Luhrmann, has a new project lined up for himself: a remake of the Great Gatsby. This could either be fantastic or a garish Technicolor travesty. Can't wait to find out which one! [Deadline Hollywood]
• William H. Macy will replace Jeremy "Thermometer" Piven in the David Mamet play Speed the Plow for part of the run. The role will be shared with Norbert Leo Butz. [NYM]
• There will be an Icelandic venture capital fund named for Bjork. The fund "will invest in sustainable businesses that create value through leveraging Iceland's resources, nature, culture and green energy." Who wouldn't want to buy into Bjork with those values! [AFP via Yahoo]
• Chris Brown and Rihanna: on a luxurious Hawaiian vacay. Us: jealous. [Perez]
• Cisco Adler, best known for his elephantine balls and dating Mischa Barton, will now be known as a dude who got arrested by another citizen in Fargo, North Dakota. Quoth Michael K. of Dlisted, "Following his performance at The Hub, Cisco got into a fight with a dude and while he was being kicked out of the club by security, he punched one of the employees in the nose. Before the police showed up and arrested him, the employee who got punched out performed a citizen's arrest on Cisco. CITIZEN'S ARREST! I love a good citizen's arrest." [Dlisted]
• David Bowie's stepdaughter, Stacia Lipka, won an $80,000 settlement against the City of New York after what sounds like a harrowing ordeal. "Lipka claimed Detectives Richard Vecchio and John Holbert violated her rights by photographing her nude body after she reported having been raped and was on suicide watch in October 2003…In addition to the lewd photo shoot at Staten Island's St. Vincent's Hospital, Lipka also claimed Vecchio molested her during one official visit." Vecchio was acquitted of criminal charges but was fired from the NYPD. [NYP]
• Which Celebs have the most followers on MySpace? Zach Braff, Kim Kardashian and Selena Gomez. A truly distinguished trio! [AP]
• Music icon Quincy Jones is sad about kids today and their lack of knowledge about music history. "I was in Seattle about a month ago, and I asked a kid, 'What do you think about Louis Armstrong?' And he said, 'I've heard the name,'" Q laments. "I said, 'What do you think about Duke Ellington and Charlie Parker and Coltrane?' He said, 'I've never heard of them.' And that hurts me a lot. Because it's easier to get where you're going if you know where you came from." Then he added, "Now get the hell off my yard!" [CNN]

• Kirsten Dunst has a obtained a restraining order against her stalker, who keeps showing up at her house. In the order, Kirsten states: "Mr. Smith's sudden, aggressive, and harassing efforts to contact me are extremely frightening. I fear not only for my own personal safety, but also for the safety and well being of my housemate and assistant." [ET]
• William Balfour, the prime suspect in the slayings of actress/singer Jennifer Hudson's mother, brother, and nephew, has been formally charged with murder. [TMZ]
• Brad Pitt is high… On the delight that only comes from building homes in New Orleans. [People]
• After a night of partying at the Viper Room — newly owned by onetime Lindsay Lohan BF and Hard Rock Cafe scion Harry Morton — Brandon Davis backed his car into a BMW in the parking lot… and it belonged to Pink! The crash was caught on video. [Perez Hilton]
• Speaking of Lindsay, she and Sam are not breaking up, she sez on her Facebook. [Queerty]

• After finding a tracking device on his car last week, Simon Cowell's lawyers are warning the media that "enough is enough." They're asking that photographers and journalists not pursue Cowell, place him under surveillance or photograph him in private places. Good luck with that! [Guardian]
• Simon says when Britney came on X Factor, "Of all the artists I have ever had on any of these shows, there was more buzz, more excitement for this girl [than anyone else]." Oh, and: "To be fair, and this may be a bit egotistical, I think she was in awe of me. She was just staring at me. I said, 'Touch me, I'm human,' and I think that broke the ice." [People]
• Ivana Trump and her husband, Italian "entrepreneur" Rossano Rubicondi, are separated. Actually, they've been separated for three months (after marrying in April), but Ivana didn't want to ruin Rubicondi's chances as a contestant on Italian TV's Survivor. The couple, who dated for six years, will split geographically; Ivana says, "Rossano wants to live in Miami and work in Milan. But, I am a New Yorker and my family, friends and businesses are here. As the beautiful song says, 'Que sera sera!"" [Yahoo News]
• Also separating: CSI star Marg Helgenberger and her husband, Alan Rosenberg. Everyone wants to get it over with before the holidays! [People]
• Zach Braff is so totally done with Scrubs: "There's so much I want to do with my life," he says. "[It was] the most amazing experience of my life, but when you work on a television series, they own you. They wouldn't let me take flying lessons." Want some cheese to go with that whine? [The Sun]
• Wondering how the Boy George trial is going? The pop star admits that he handcuffed and threatened a male escort, but claims he was never going to kill the dude. [Reuters]
• Michael Phelps is dating pretty much whomever he wants. [TMZ]
• Criss Angel's Vegas show, Criss Angel Believe, is getting shitty reviews and cab drivers say quite a few people simply walk out. [LA Times]
• Mario Lopez and his dimples will be hosting the Miss America pageant on January 24. [Yahoo News]
• Dear Joaquin Phoenix, you can quit acting all you want, it doesn't change the fact that you're a lousy rapper. [TMZ]

I hated that character from the second she flounced on the screen. I remember distinctly Portman telling Zach Braff's character that she was "weird" and then doing a silly little dance to illustrate her "weirdness." Honestly? Anyone who telegraphs their so-called weirdness so outlandishly is not actually weird, they're merely quirky enough to be vaguely interesting without having their own thing going on. They're completely mainstream but have one really big tattoo, or occasionally sing really loud in the shower! "Oh, Natalie," the A.V. Club writes, "your unconventional ways are so inspiring, and your beauty is surprisingly non-threatening!"

As the A.V. Club deftly notes, "Like the Magical Negro, the Manic Pixie Dream Girl archetype is largely defined by secondary status and lack of an inner life. She's on hand to lift a gloomy male protagonist out of the doldrums, not to pursue her own happiness." Since they've defined it so succinctly, I've realized that many recent films employ the MPDG stock character — Forgetting Sarah Marshall, for instance, where Mila Kunis's character is a free spirited nymph deposited on the shores of Hawaii in order to encourage Jason Segel to write the vampire rock puppet musical he's been fantasizing about for years. But what of the dude? You know, the brooding artsy loser in need of a MPDG to revive his creative and sexual juices? The ones who use MPDG's to stroke their fragile egos and project their muse-fantasies on? What should we call him? I think he deserves a name because these movies, and the notion of the MPDG, are really about him: his needs, his desires, his artistic endeavors.

Wimpster, while appropriate, lacks the specificity of MPDG and also is so four years ago. Maybe the new bromantics, because that term emphasizes their dudeliness but also their childish notions of romantic attachment? In any event, these self-absorbed whiners are to be avoided in real life, though, like (adorable!) Jason Segal in FSM, new bromantics can be charming in film.

Wild Things: 16 Films Featuring Manic Pixie Dream Girls [AV Club]
Soapbox [The Petite Sophisticate]
Meet The Wimpster [The Black Table]

[February 12, Los Angeles. Photo via Bauer-Griffin.]

[Los Angeles, CA; December 23. Image via INF.]

• Jude Law was arrested for allegedly assaulting a photographer outside his home in West London. [The Sun]
  
• Is Chelsy Davy moving to London to be near boyfriend Prince Harry? Also, y so many ys? [The Sun]
  
• Britney's bodyguard has been formally charged with battery after last month's scuffle with paparazzi in Las Vegas. [Extra]
  
• Halle Berry, 41, confirms she is 3 months pregnant by her boyfriend, Gabriel Aubry, 32. Anyone want to volunteer to babysit? [People]
  
• Did Tommy Lee have sex on a banquette in the Hamptons? Maybe it would be news if he didn't.[Page Six]
  
• "We would drive around and listen to [David Bowie's album] Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars while enjoying a little marijuana." So says the guy who dated Madonna when she was 14 — just one of many stories uncovered by a biographer. [The Independent]
  
• Was Nicole Kidman secretly engaged to Lenny Kravitz at one point? [Page Six]

• Jamie Foxx, elevator diva! [Page Six]
• Zach Braff is now subjecting actress Shiri Appleby to his "charms." Bonus: she's Jewish! [Page Six]
• Newsflash! Criss Angel, of Mindfreak fame, is just a "press whore" who is "using" Britney for publicity — he's not even helping her with her MTV VMA performance. [Page Six]
• Ellen Barkin teases paparazzi. [Page Six]
• Owen Wilson's family doesn't want Kate Hudson anywhere near him. Ouch. [Gatecrasher]
• Katie Couric called a New York restaurant to have food delivered to her daughters — she made the call from Iraq. [Gatecrasher, last item]
• Paul McCartney and Renee Zellweger: "very cozy" ???? [Rush & Molloy, 3rd item]
• Drew Barrymore and "Hi, I'm a Mac" actor Justin Long: lip-locking? What about Spike Jonze? [Rush & Molloy, 4th item]
• Shaquille O'Neal has filed for divorce. He makes $20 million annually in his contract with the Heat and more in endorsements. He and his wife, Shaunie, are the parents of six children. [USA Today]
• Kate Moss has a new boyfriend, Jamie Hince from "uber-trendy" band The Kills. [Mirror]
• Amy Winehouse performed at the Mercury Music awards! She sang "Love Is A Losing Game." [Telegraph]
• Amy also told a newspaper why rehab doesn't work for her: "I'm of the school of thought where, if you can't sort something out for yourself, no one can help you." Yikes, okay. She also said, "Normal people spend time thinking, 'What am I going to do with my life?' I spend my time drinking." [Mirror]

• Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams: SPLIT! "They've been fighting for six months," says a source. Their daughter, Matilda, is 23 months old. [Star]
  
• Michelle's dad says he has "great respect for Heath" even though the dad was "never invited into their world." Maybe because he's self-exiled in Australia for tax evasion?[News.com.au]
  
• Owen Wilson is on the mend and "doing very well" says director Wes Anderson. [NY Post]
  
• In addition, "When [Owen's] ready he's going to speak for himself much better than anyone else could," Anderson says. [People]
  
• Grey's Anatomy actress Kate Walsh, 39, got married over the weekend. [People]
  
• Dina Lohan's new boyfriend calls Michael Lohan a violent, drug-abusing criminal who never deserved his "classy, intelligent" wife. It's like a Telenovela, come to life! [Page Six]

• Photographer David LaChappelle "hates" Gwen Stefani, Christina Aguilera and Madonna. It's like a Telenovela come to life! [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which Hollywood trio of friends is in trouble? One is on crack, one's on smack, and the other cheats so much on his wife that he single-handedly is supporting several hookers." [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which singer keeps her slender frame so thin the old-fashioned way? Seems a 'major eating disorder' helps keep her midriff worth baring." [Page Six]
• Is Kelly Klein really using her own (50-year-old) eggs to get pregnant? Why does anyone care? [Page Six]
• A "frenzied female fan" rushed Brad Pitt at the Venice Film Festival, and he was shaken up, poor thing. [Page Six]
• But Brad and Angelina are ready for a fifth child! They don't have one from South America yet, so we think they should head to Peru or something. [People]
• Did Gisele Bundchen send Bridget Moynahan's new baby a onesie with the word "supermodel" on it? Because that would be crazy. [Gatecrasher]
• Zach Braff, Nicole Richie and Samantha Ronson dined together at Dominick's in L.A. on Wednesday night. Zach is everywhere. [Gatecrasher, 5th item]
• Blind item! "Which Hollywood megastar couple likes to have the hotel where they stay in New York clip flattering pictures of them and their child from the celeb weeklies, to put in frames before they arrive at their suite?" [Gatecrasher, last item]
• A former manager claims Mariah Carey owes him major bucks. [Rush & Molloy]
• Russell Simmons: did yoga with John Edwards? Likes Kucinich?? [Rush & Molloy, 3rd item]
• When John Mayer and Jessica Simpson were dating, Jessica would "call photographers and set him up all the time," says a source. [TMZ]
• The child welfare official from Malawi who was supposed to go to London to assess Madonna has been removed from the case under allegations he solicited money from the singer for the trip. Messy! [ABC News]
• Pete Doherty missed his court appearance because he'd checked into rehab. It's like déjà vu all over again! [Reuters]
• Usher finally married his 37-year-old baby mama. [USA Today]
• Courtney Love denies she said "I've never seen anyone take as much coke" as Amy Winehouse. "Even I wasn't that bad." Her denial was via Perez Hilton, sigh. [Mirror]
• The Israeli actress-model-artist who dated Olivier Martinez after he broke up with Kylie Minogue speaks! "What they say about French lovers is all true." [Daily Mail]
• Bill Murray was stopped by the police while driving a golf cart in downtown Stockholm. [Yahoo! News]

• Kate Moss only made $9 million in the last year, making her the second highest-paid model. Gisele Bundchen made four times as much. Heidi Klum? Eh. Came in at #3. [TelegraphUK]
  
• But money isn't everything: Gisele is reportedly unhappy that her boyfriend's preggers baby mama is due for delivery... on Gisele's own birthday. [PageSix]
  
• But you know what? Gisele is stunning. So whatever.
  
• Zach Braff directed a Dunkin' Donuts commercial starring Naomi Campbell? [PageSix]
  
• Is Top Chef host Padma Lakshmi going to hook up with a billionaire now that she's divorcing Salman Rushdie? [Rush&Malloy]
  
• Paris Hilton might have a new boy toy: A 21-year-old T-shirt designer with some sort of druggy, sleazy video on YouTube. [Gatecrasher]
  
• Also, Paris is working on a new album. [E!]

• Eva Longoria returned from her honeymoon and is back on the Desperate Housewives set. Seriously, is this what passes for news these days? [People]
• The Brits are reporting that "like unstoppable monsters from an old drive-in movie, hordes of ruthless, sex-mad Californian beauties" are stalking David Beckham now that he's in L.A. LOL! Sounds about right. [Sun]
• Orlando Bloom currently has a moustache. [JustJared]
• Lily Allen has a third nipple, and she showed it on British TV. [Egotastic]
• Penelope Cruz and her sister Monica have a clothing collection for Spanish-based fashion chain Mango, launching in September. They celebrated this fact at a hotel in Ibiza yesterday. Isn't that the life you wish you were living? [JustJared]

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, the Wednesday refresher course in all the week's most important news we provide you free of charge so you don't fail the exam. In which we (and our trusty TA who does all the work) Intern Maria "read" the Wednesday celebrity tabs. So you don't "have" to.

Us Weekly

• Cover story: How Hilary Did It! (pages 48-51) More summer dieting tips from the stars! It's funny how many different ways magazine editors can reprint and repackage the simple idea of "eat less calories and exercise more." So anyway, Hilary Duff was fat? She also decides to take the high road when asked about Joel Madden's future baby with professional trainwreck Nicole Richie, saying he'll be a "great dad" (page 51). Aw!
• Precociously trainwrecky jailbird Jason Wahler will be making a few bloated appearances on The Hills this season. Oh we cannot wait!
• Victoria Beckham claims that she "can get a muffin" (page 14). Right, but what to do with it?
• Pamela Anderson looks back at her life in bikinis (pages 56-59) including two marriages in swimsuits! Pamela says that her marriage with Kid Rock seems "like it never even happened" (page 57). It's probably better that way.
• Some NASCAR guy and his wife spawned (pages 66-67).

Star

• Cover story: Nicole's Baby in Danger! (pages 48-51) Nicole Richie might have problems with her unborn baby's health because her body is pumped full of booze and muscle relaxants. Oh no! The mag quotes Nicole on Letterman as saying "I'm scared" with regards to mommydom rather than the actual context, her possible jail time. Is it Romenesko-y of us to catch them on that? Also: Joel Madden goes to seedy Thai "massage" parlors in Studio City (he likes his ladies a little bit syphilised these days!!) then redeems himself for all of that — plus breaking Hilary Duff's heart plus any unprosecuted murders he may have committed — by telling Spencer Pratt he's going to kick his ass (page 51). Swoon.
• What's this! A missing page! Ah, the Lohan Lesbo Love story Moe is in heat over right now.
• The mag cautions Drew Barrymore on her new love with vomitous Zach Braff (he'll "hit on anything with two legs," you know). Also: Did you know he cheated on Mandy Moore? Page 18! Oh please do not spoil our illusions about Zach Braff, media!
• Rachel Ray is having problems with her "lawyer/rock musician" husband whose "dark side" manifests itself in a habit of paying women to spit and rub their feet on him.
• Best and Worst Plastic Surgery! (pages 54-65): An eleven-page spread on all the boob jobs, nose jobs, and "man surgery" (not what you think!) that the stars get! Salma Hayek and Angelina Jolie win for "best nose job," Gwen Stefani's padded bra gets her added to alleged boob jobbers, and Donatella Versace tries to disguise her cocaine-abused nose with some horrible, horrible surgery. Also, 'Worst surgeries': Not for the delicate of stomach!

In Touch

• Cover story: Janet's Shocking Weight Gain! (pages 36-39) Janet's up-and-down weight is on an "up" at the moment. Apparently her fiancée Jermaine Dupri doesn't mind her with "some meat on her bones" and "doesn't stop her from eating" (page 39). Yeah, what an asshole.
  
• Page 14 sports a spread on old child stars all growed up and surprise! Most of them look gross and coked out (pages 14-15).
• EXCLUSIVE! Jessica Biel opens up to the weekly about her life with Justin. We kept searching for "as she told Marie Claire" or "in an upcoming interview in Vogue" or just some hint that she didn't actually have direct contact with anyone at In Touch, but ah no such evidence materialized. What a classy lady! (pages 40-41)
  
• A real estate investor and alkie named John Sundahl got the National Enquirer to pay him some money for claiming that he slept with Britney Spears and all her friends can say is "well, it sounds like something she would do.." (page 54)

Life & Style

• Cover story: Depressed Angie Refuses to Eat! (Pages 26-29.) Angelina probably isn't anorexic, she is just too depressed by her terrible life to eat. She might also be "too thin" to have another Brad baby, though every time she refreshes TMZ to check up on Nicole Richie she feels a distant glimmer of that thing they call "hope."
  
• Scrambling for a sidebar, Life & Style claims that Britney has some "chemistry" with her bodyguard who even "accompanied" her to an event (page 31). You think he maybe he "accompanies" her places because he's her hired muscle?
  
• Nicole Richie had some spotting and thought she was going to lose her baby but it was just a false alarm (page 37). We bet it's the first time in a few years she had blood on her panties! Which kinda makes you wonder: When you're a pillhead who probably spends more time puking than menstruating, how do you know if you're pregnant at all? Did the Angel Gabriel have to come down and break the news? It's just, er, fishy.
• Life & Style runs some more "candid" shots of their besties Spencer and Heidi Montag frolicking on the beach (page 20) for what has to be the forty-ninth straight week. But! L&S is the only weekly not to print anything about Joel Madden's blow-up at Spencer, probably because, you know, their journalistic standards demand they find at least four corroborating eyewitnesses to run with that sort of thing. HAH.

• Paris Hilton may act like she cares about her pets but really she only cares about Paris Paris Paris — and her neighbors totally see right through that bitch. [Page Six]
  
• And yet idiots everywhere persist in loving her! [TMZ]
  
• Supermodel Kate Moss is thin. Maybe she has some unhealthy habits? [Daily Mirror]
  
• Emosogynist-in-chief Zach Braff likes to suck face publicly with cute blondes! [Rush & Molloy]
  
• But he wasn't so great a boyfriend to poor Mandy Moore. [Page Six]
  
• Britney Spears turns out to be sort of a flake. [Page Six]
  
• Penelope Cruz attaches herself to a famous hot guy you kind of suspect is not going to get past the whole staring-at-rack stage of the relationship. [Gatecrasher]
  
• Celebrities don't always drive hybrid vehicles like they're supposed to. Uh, what about if they just drive them sober! [Rush & Molloy]

• Alpha Girl Next Door Holly Madison to make the octogenarispawn of Hef. [Rush & Molloy]
  
• This one time, George Clooney made a weird joke on Leno about visiting Stonehenge and it was actually an inside joke with the Vegas stripper he was fucking. (Aw?) Also: "He has perfect feet for a man." [Daily Mirror]
  
• My suspicion is that real famous people do not call up People to tell comment on how they got arrested but who knows, Kristy Swanson was on some show called Skating With Celebrities. [People]
  
• Candy Spelling uses her columnist perch at TMZ to tell Britney Spears to stop being fodder for TMZ. [TMZ]
  
• "The past is the past. It was amazing, it was magical." Bet you knew before I even said anything that this is a quote about the Spice Girls. [MSNBC]
  
• Out-of-work Senator Rick Santorum overheard talking about his plans to make a movie. God help us. [Page Six]
  
• Emosogynist-in-chief Zach Braff never defies expectations, does he? [Page Six]

• Tom Cruise is so high up in the Church of Scientology they're letting him perform the wedding of billionaire James Packer. [Page Six]
• Have you been to Starbucks lately? There are pictures of Paul McCartney everywhere, and he looks like a total tool, even for Starbucks. Anyway he's officially a senior citizen and richer than the Vatican, so, I guess, whatever. [Page Six]
• Rod Stewart marries someone roughly his daughter's age. [MSNBC]
• Boy band mogul Lou Perelman charged in Guam with running a Ponzi scheme bigger than he is. I predict this will become one of those fascinating, detail-rich Rolling Stone stories we will never have time to actually read. [MSNBC]

Christina Applegate: First down. The Hollywood "Glamour Barbie"-look may be Red Carpet 101, but Applegate wears it well.

Claire Danes: Penalty. Is it just us, or does Claire Danes own one dress in five different colors?

Donna Murphy: Fumble. The woman looks a fool.

Idina Menzel: Interference. Ruining Wicked star Menzel's gorgeous frock is her grumpy face.

Jane Krakowski: Instant replay. This silver lame dress is so... Studio 54.

Marcia Gay Harden: Penalty. No, we don't know what she was thinking.

Naomi Watts: Sacked. Beautiful pregnancy-inflated breasts should not be hidden away in a sheath. The only redeeming part of this whole ensemble is that it is accessorized with Liev Schreiber.

Bill T. Jones: Touchdown. Throwing a Henley-style sweater underneath a tuxedo makes the legendary modern dancer and newly-minted Tony-winner even dreamier than ever. And yes, we know he's gay.

Patti Lupone: Unnecessary roughness. Why do Patti Lupone's clothes always look like they're trying to attack her?

Vanessa Williams: Pass completed. Nice arc, great catch.

Zach Braff: Ejected. With a haircut this bad, Braff deserves to be benched for the entire season.

Carla Gugino: Touchdown. The color! The cut! The hair! The jewels! Gugino is almost a dead-ringer for Marilyn Monroe, who she played on Broadway back in 2004's After The Fall, and makes glamorous — and wearing chartreuse — look easy.