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"This Is So The Issue Right Now"
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Flackette Goes Retro
10/22/09

In reply to "This Is So The Issue Right Now"
There was yelling in my house. As a result, I have sought out a relationship with the most even-keeled, conflict-avoiding man I've ever met. (Of course, first I went through a series of hot-tempered assholes who felt more familiar to me because of their anger). I don't think raising your voice is inherently bad (the problem for me comes when the words being used are demeaning or hurtful), but regardless, being raised around it has left me totally conflict-adverse. This probably isn't a good thing overall, as sometimes I back away from situations where I should stand my ground. My brother, btw, went the opposite direction and is quite good at yelling himself. This is part of the reason we can't have normal conversations, as his debating style is just to bulldoze over with shouting.
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Edited by Flackette Goes Retro at 10/22/09 5:29 PM

queen_caribbean
10/22/09

In reply to "This Is So The Issue Right Now"
What do you do when something's not being heard? You turn it up a notch. BFD

It depends on what's being yelled/screamed. If the child's in danger, scream as loudly as you can. If the child has done something wrong, scream as loudly as you need to, but leave out any name calling and final judgements about the child because of what's going on in the moment. #parents
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KLondike5
10/22/09

@queen_caribbean: I think it's ironic that some people say yelling is ineffectual as one of my Mommy Voice greatest hits is "LISTEN to the WORDS I am saying to YOU".

That's what happens when my calm and rational voice is totally ignored. Kicking up the volume works. I sure as hell don't do for my own health. #parents
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colormeroutine
10/22/09

In reply to "This Is So The Issue Right Now"
Michelle Duggar may not raise her voice, but they do spank. They don't ever really show it on the show but she's admitted it in interviews and on their website. Usually she has her husband do it. So possibly not the best example for that point #parents
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samarkand
10/22/09

In reply to "This Is So The Issue Right Now"
Things I learned from being a teacher, part one million: Yelling is totally ineffective. It's sort of an instinct to raise your voice when you're agitated or someone is raising their voice at you, but it really just does not work to actually resolve an issue and get control over a situation. If anything, it makes your lack of control totally apparent, and it raises the general volume of the entire situation. It takes a lot of self-control to not yell, but once you learn to stop that instinct before it starts, you can make a lot of headway in your dealings with children. #parents
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Melpomene
10/22/09

In reply to "This Is So The Issue Right Now"
Does anyone else feel badly for today's modern parents, being made to feel horribly guilty every time they lose their temper in the presence of their children? I mean, seriously, yes, a calm and controlled attitude is probably the best way to raise kids, but it's beyond the realm of possibility to expect people to maintain mature attitudes for eighteen odd years.

Yes, yelling is ineffective. And yelling constantly is fairly damaging to children. But the occasional loss of temper? Cut parents some slack. Kids can't have ''perfect" childhoods, no matter how hard you try.

Quite frankly, I think the epidemic of children never hearing the word "no'" is much more concerning.
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Edited by Melpomene at 10/22/09 2:55 PM Melpomene was starred Melpomene was unstarred

KaneBaker
10/22/09

@Melpomene: I actually appreciate that face that I was spanked. I remember a few times I was out of line. Soul crushing guilt is the modern effective method, but probably a lot more damaging than spanking was. (Spanking != beating) #parents
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Flackette Goes Retro promoted this comment KaneBaker was starred KaneBaker was unstarred

Flackette Goes Retro
10/22/09

@KaneBaker: I was spanked, and it didn't cause any lasting damage. The enormous guilt trips, though... #parents
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AndPreciousLittleofThat
10/22/09

In reply to "This Is So The Issue Right Now"
I read that a recent study had concluded that it's not necessarily a bad thing if parents argue in front of their kids, as long as the kids also get to see the resolution of that argument.

This is the same kind of thing. Kids (like a lot of adults) get scared when they don't understand WHY something is happening. And at a young age it's hard to form causal connections between their actions and why mommy/daddy is yelling and all red in the face.

That being said, I bet there's often a BIG disconnect between theory and practice when it comes to parenting. #parents
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cheshirecatfish
10/22/09

@AndPreciousLittleofThat: Ding ding ding! The more I grow up, the more I realize how much we underestimate kids. They can handle and be a part of conversations we don't expect them to comprehend. #parents
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highjump
10/22/09

In reply to "This Is So The Issue Right Now"
My parents (mostly Ma) yelled often. Still yells often. Like, really often. People yelling still causes me terrible anxiety, and because of my mother I always associate people who yell with lack of control.

I just always felt like she wasn't even listening to me, she just yelled. SHE wanted to be heard and didn't care what I had to say. Is there a stain on the carpet? Yes, mom there is. I heard you screaming. If you would shut up I would explain how it happened, apologize, and clean it up. #parents
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o-line
10/22/09

In reply to "This Is So The Issue Right Now"
Yes, but what about texting kids in all caps? Less guilt, less strain on the vocal chords. LITTLE O-LINE! I ASKED YOU TO TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE YESTERDAY!
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Edited by o-line at 10/22/09 2:24 PM o-line was starred o-line was unstarred

ericacartman
10/22/09

@o-line: U R A DISGUSTING LITTLE PIG. #parents
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salthegeek
10/22/09

In reply to "This Is So The Issue Right Now"
My parents yelled at me when I was a kid, to be honest I deserved it. I was a little bastard back then, still am a bit. #parents
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Little Green Frog (Wise Latina)
10/22/09

In reply to "This Is So The Issue Right Now"
I yell as a last resort and to mix things up a little. My kids know that when Mommy raises her voice, they better listen because that means she has been turned up to 11.
(My main weapon is THE LOOK. Oh yes, I have perfected it. and I'm so proud of it.) #parents
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ericacartman
10/22/09

In reply to "This Is So The Issue Right Now"
Have you heard the Dan Savage piece for This American Life condoning screaming your head off at children? He defends Alec Baldwin. And I totally agree with him. [www.thisamericanlife.org] #parents
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Sophie needs to study...damn
10/22/09

@ericacartman: That episode is one of my favorites. #parents
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ThaLza
10/22/09

In reply to "This Is So The Issue Right Now"
Honestly I wasn't hurt by spanking or the one time my mother slapped me (when I was almost 18) but everytime she was verbally abusive had a much more painful effect. Reading the article I felt like they missed the point. It's not just the act of "yelling"( you can yell that you love someone), it's the words being said. Verbal abuse can come in whispers and regular voices aswell. #parents
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la.donna.pietra
10/22/09

In reply to "This Is So The Issue Right Now"
News to parents:

Kids are complicated. At various points, your kids will act in ways that will drive you bonkers. Guaranteed. It doesn't matter how good a parent you are, what parenting technique you've tried, or how many simple carbohydrates you've kept from them. Small human beings are, by definition, clueless, confused, lacking in social niceties, and frequently testing boundaries. It's how they learn how to be people. You want uncomplicated, get a hamster.

If you can make it clear to the kid that it's his/her obnoxious behavior that is the problem, not him or her personally, you and the kid will be okay. Different approaches work for different kids and different parents. Sorry. There is no single solution.
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Edited by la.donna.pietra at 10/22/09 2:08 PM la.donna.pietra was starred la.donna.pietra was unstarred

LindsayC: doctoral hilarity ensues
10/22/09

@la.donna.pietra: Fffff. Hamsters are annoying as shit. Trust me on that. #parents
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LaFramboise
10/22/09

In reply to "This Is So The Issue Right Now"
My grandmother's whisper was a death threat. And then you got a wet dishcloth upside the head.

Oh, what I have learned.... #parents
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esthergreenwood
10/22/09

In reply to "This Is So The Issue Right Now"
Hear that sound, Jezebel? That's the collective gasp of everyone in Park Slope. #parents
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