Look at that thick, juicy meat. Straining with hot fluids. Once you get it in your mouth, you know it's going to burst, letting warm red liquid stream down your throat.


Some like to see the pink inside, do you?


Or are you one of those bad, naughty types, who likes it raw?


Maybe you like it freaky? Brown on pink. Two on two… or more?


Get a good look at this pink, wet, glistening flesh. You know you want it.


Insert your fingers into the folds. You'll find it tender and dripping.


Who can resist a heaving, moistened breast?


Go ahead, lick the gooey sweetness. It's yearning to be inside you.



Warm fluid oozes out, just for you.


You'll get your just desserts. Just put your tongue in the crease.




Pfaelzer Brothers [Official Site]

Okay, all you closet goths: Black dishes! Gorgeous, no? Try not to think about the fact that the champagne flutes are $180 for a set of two. Think how awesome they'd look on a crisp white tablecloth with some deep purple grapes and My Bloody Valentine playing in the background.

Holy sweet tooth, it's a Bat Cake! That is not paper, that is purple and black tinted white chocolate. Decadent. Which is why it's $160.

The Ghost Cake is cute, but let's focus on those Halloween Pops: "Big chunks of ooey gooey handmade chocolate chip fudge with marshmallows get the 'stick treatment' before being dipped in Belgian chocolate and decorated by hand." Uh, what's that the kids say on the interwebs? WANT. $44 for a set of 4.

The Trick Or Treat bag is okay, but the cookies shaped like kids in costumes are awesome. I want to bite that little devil's head off. Fourteen cookies, $65.

Yum, that $120 Pumpkin Cake is "six layers of vanilla spiced cake with praline butter cream and a center layer of rich chocolate fudge." And that thing that looks like a crate of apples? It's an Apple Crate Cake. No, really. It's a chocolate cake with marzipan apples on top. It's also $200. Meanwhile, I am seriously considering ordering six cookies and eight brownies right now: $40.

Whoa. A large feast is $520. You get a turkey, porcini stuffing with gravy, brussels sprouts au gratin, bourbon sweet potatoes with almonds and cranberry sauce with cardamom. Plus cream cheese biscuits. I just want to dip my finger in those sweet potatoes, how much would that cost?

These "cranky" jack o' lantern chocolates are so damn cute. $36 for 16.

Here's Halloween for grownups: White chocolate pumpkin with ganache-filled figs and a bottle of red wine. Costume optional.

Dean & Deluca [Official Site]

The cover of the Harry & David catalog claims, "The Easter Bunny shops here," but we have it on good authority that his credit cards get declined.

Wow, a nine-inch solid chocolate bunny. The perfect thing to give to kids right before they're going to have to sit through a sermon at church! Or is it the reward for enduring the service?

Some people probably find it really cute that the rabbit's head comes off and there's candy inside his skull and body; I find it terrifying and creepy.

Isn't cabbage the pagan symbol for vagina? That's where Cabbage Patch Kids come from, right? Also: Egg candles? Really? Can't you envision a scenario in which kids are like, "Why are you burning my Easter Eggs?" And crying? Loudly?

Flowers+chocolate=Good idea. But if someone ever gave me flowers in a picket fence, I'd be vaguely insulted. There's something repressive, apron-stringy and June Cleaver-ish about it. Not in a good way.

Ooh, cheesecake sampler! Wouldn't you rather have this than the nine-inch chocolate bunny? When do we celebrate the goddess of cheesecake?

Giant Cookie Basket from the Better Cookie Bureau, you have my vote in this year's election for Most Delicious Concept.

It's hilarious that the Easter Morning basket comes with a cookie shaped and iced to look like a carrot. Fake healthy! Oh, but look: In addition to a load of candy, you also get a couple of pears and an apple. Life is about balance.

The chicks are super cute, but just for styling purposes: No price listed!

You can, however, get a chicken pot pie. Yum.

Those marzipan critters masquerading with bunny ears should be funny, but they're just not. The chocolate quail eggs are sort of puke-inducingly realistic, as though you can smell the yolk and salmonella through the page.

Sugar is a building block of nutrition, right?

You know, of all the things you can have FedExed to your home, a pound of fish eggs ringing up at $5,900 is really baller-type shit.

For the love of God. If lusting after that Devil's Food cake is a sin, who among us is not guilty?

Pagan symbols aside: Why is that chocolate rabbit driving a car?

[Harry & David]
[Dean & Deluca]

Earlier: Free People: Someone Watched The Darjeeling Limited Before Booking This Photo Shoot
'Wooden Soldier' Tortures Your WASPy Spawn With Horrifying, Anachronistic Duds
J. Jill Vs. J. Crew: It's A Fashion Showcase Showdown
Pottery Barn, Anthropologie & West Elm: Bedding Porn For Sleepyheads

Scientists from Oxford University say that an increase in junk food over the past 50 years has led not to a stress-free existence but a rise in violence among inmates. A pilot study randomly distributed vitamin supplements to prisoners in England and Scotland — along with a placebo. There were a third fewer violent incidents among those given the supplements. Vitamins, shmitamins! I will cut a fool for some chocolate right about now. Maybe the problem is that they need to feed inmates more? How violent can you be if you're full of cake?

Australia Univ. Research Shows Junk Food May Lower Stress Levels [Breitbart]
Prison Study To Investigate Link Between Junk Food And Violence [The Independent]

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(Personally, I want to stuff Benicio's ballot box, if you know what I mean.)