Jezebel: yule blog

Margaret Cho, Anna Nicole, And Mistletoe

Tracie — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 14:00:00 EST

Happy Holidays!

Even Psycho Moms Are Nice On Christmas Eve

Tracie — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 12:30:00 EST

Some Christmas cheer from a famous American mother, via Mommie Dearest.

Merry Christmas! Love, Jezebel (Via Dawn Davenport)

Slut Machine — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 14:00:00 EST

We're taking Christmas Day off (woo hoo!) to relax and eat and drink and temporarily forget about rape, Amy Winehouse, missing white women, Paul Janka, Jamie Lynn Spears, Photoshopped celebs, Sherri Shepherd, hookers, victims, doormats, Tyra Banks, and well, just female trouble in general. Speaking of which, we leave you with one of our favorite Christmas scenes in cinematic history, from John Waters' Female Trouble. We hope you get the cha-cha heels of your dreams this holiday season!

Christmas 1988 Was A Gay Ol' Time At Pee Wee's Playhouse

Slut Machine — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 13:00:00 EST

For those of us who love anything kitsch or camp, it was probably something we learned from watching Pee Wee's Playhouse. Check out the celebrity-packed 1988 Christmas special in this clip. It was like a gay icon mixer, featuring Joan Rivers, Charo, Del Rubio Triplets, Dinah Shore, Grace Jones, Oprah Winfrey, k.d. lang, Little Richard, and Zsa Zsa Gabor. Also there were Annette Funicello, Frankie Avalon, Whoopi Goldberg, Magic Johnson and series regulars Cowboy Curtis (Laurence Fishburne), Reba the Mail Lady (S. Epatha Merkerson), and Miss Yvonne (Lynne Stewart). Just so you know, the secret word of today is "year."

Anna Nicole Smith Knew How To Throw A Damn Christmas Party

Slut Machine — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 12:00:00 EST

I can honestly say that I've never been so upset about a celebrity death as I was about Anna Nicole Smith. It just sucks so fucking much that she's not here anymore drunkenly slurring her words at awards shows, drunkenly flashing her tits at awards shows, drunkenly entering cars, sharing inappropriate masturbation stories, having babies on TV, and well, just generally making great television, like her 2002 Christmas special. Attended by celebrity friends Kathy Griffin, Chyna Doll, Margaret Cho (who made out with Anna), and most notably her toothless cousin Shelly, who got trashed, stripped naked, got in a fist fight, and sang a memorable rendition of "The First Noel." Look at how pissed Anna looks at her.

And that wasn't the first wild Christmas party she threw. Her mom Virgie Arthur, ever the classy lady, sold this home video of Christmas 1994 to TMZ. It shows Anna popping pills right in front of her son Daniel. Virgie doesn't chastise her, though. She laughs along. That woman is a pig.

And how faggy is this? I think of Anna Nicole Smith in terms of Mariah Carey lyrics and get emotional.

Because I miss her
Most at Christmas time
And I can't get her
Get her off my mind
Every other season comes along
And I'm all right
But then I miss her, most at Christmas time

I'm feeling all out of my element
I'm throwing things, crying
Trying to figure out where the hell it went wrong
The pain reflected in this post ain't even half of what I'm feeling inside
I need you, need you back in my life, Anna

When you left I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back Anna, please
'Cause we belong together

Darling, I never showed you.
Assumed you'd always be there.
I took your presence for granted.
But I always cared
And I miss the love we shared.

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven.
Like so many friends we've lost along the way.
And I know eventually we'll be together.
One sweet day.

Swan Brooner: Child Beauty Queen, Not-So-Merry "Holiday Barbie"

Slut Machine — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 11:00:00 EST

The Christmas season is supposed to be a happy time for kids who are looking forward to an orgy of toys, sweets, and time off from school. But for some kids, there are much more important matters at hand this time of year; ones that carry grave consequences — like fucking up your modeling in the Christmaswear competition in the America's Most Gorgeous Girls Mini-national Pageant after your mother worked 'round the clock for weeks on your costume, left her 2-year-old baby, teenage daughter and juvenile delinquent son in the care of her creepy older boyfriend, and invested thousands of dollars the family doesn't have to make her dream come true for you. Such is the case in this clip with 5-year-old Swan Brooner, as depicted in the 2001 documentary Living Dolls: The Making of a Child Beauty Queen.

Not long after the documentary aired on HBO, Swan's mother Robin Browne died of a heart attack. Swan stopped doing pageants, and she and her little brother moved to Alaska to be with her dad. Then last year, he died, leaving 13-year-old Swan and her brother Devon orphaned. According to the Living Dolls Wikipedia page, Swan now lives with her older sister Silva.

Related: Give It Up For Swan Brooner [FourFour]

Queens Of The Stone Age Drink Eggnog With Anthony Bourdain

Slut Machine — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 10:00:00 EST

Anthony Bourdain is like the definition of cool and the tattooed, early-punk fan is no stranger to rock 'n' roll or the lifestyle that goes with it. (He's documented his former use of "pot, quaaludes, cocaine, LSD, psilocybin mushrooms soaked in honey and used to sweeten tea, Seconal, Tuinal, speed, codeine and heroin" in his book Nasty Bits.) So it's kind of fitting that for the kitschy holiday special of the Travel Channel's Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, Queens of the Stone Age — decked out in horrible Christmas sweaters — rocked out in the basement of Bourdain's Connecticut home, while he prepared a traditional turkey dinner. QOTSA front man Josh Homme and Bourdain seemed to genuinely enjoy each other's company as they made sex jokes and discussed the country's murder rate during their attempt at a feel-good, family celebration.