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"I'm Doing It For The Children" (Cheating, That Is)
Telling You He's Cheated: Reasons Pro And Con

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Jack_Burton
02/02/09

In reply to "I'm Doing It For The Children" (Cheating, That Is)
I'm just going to put this out there now:

If this happens to me, I will stop at nothing to make sure that woman never sees my kids again.

Mommy: ur doing it wrong.
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clevernamehere
02/02/09

@Jack_Burton: Uh, WTF? Seriously fucked up attitude. You don't punish the kids because crazy parent cheated. I'm really intolerant of cheating, but you don't punish the kids to get back at your ex.
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Jack_Burton
02/03/09

@clevernamehere: Hmmm.

@mythago: Mmmkay.

Gee, I thought about it, and I don't remember saying take them away from Mom "out of spite."

Did either of you read the post, article, or any of the other comments? No matter.

Here's where I respectfully disagree: The "fucked-up attitude" is the one that says "I'm cheating for the sake of the kids."

To me, that says, "And, actually, I'm not fit to be their mother."

Because that's what the judge is going to say. That's what CPS is going to say.

Before you reply, consider what the legal and psychological ramifications of said justifications for cheating are for the children.
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Jack_Burton
02/03/09

@Jack_Burton: I'll add a caveat to that:

There are instances in which I can see this concept being justified - very, very dire situations, in which a mother needs to escape a marriage and perhaps, a country, because of political turmoil or economic hardship, for example.

Still, if this were the "reason" to cheat, it would be best unspoken, as the law, and outside opinions may not agree.

Originally, I was talking about a hypothetical situation in which I was married with kids. In that situation, I would hope that all avenues of reconciliation would be exhausted before this kind insanity was entertained.

To clarify: I'd much rather she say that "I love him, not you" - because at least I'd know that her moral compass (and sense of logic) was not defective - an honest statement.

I would honor and work to facilitate a reasonable request for a divorce. Why would I want to live in torment? Why would I want someone that I loved to feel trapped? Why would I want our children to live in that environment? I wouldn't want that.

My saying "never again" was more for emphasis than real explanation, as realistically, one can't truly know a situation like this until it is lived.

But I disagree that it's always necessary (or healthy) to accommodate a "crazy" parent; From my experience, if there must be a divorce, it should be quick and fair, but absolutely considering the children's welfare as the top priority.

We all know, that is easier said than done - but if you truly care about your kids you have to agree on this final thing: that you will both try not to fuck them up.
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DutchessOfDork
02/02/09

In reply to "I'm Doing It For The Children" (Cheating, That Is)
Won't someone PLEASE think of the children!
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MargaretMoony
02/02/09

In reply to "I'm Doing It For The Children" (Cheating, That Is)
*Psst* Hey lady, that's not cool on so many levels! Just because YOU don't want to be married to this guy doesn't mean A. That he wasn't a good father, B. the kids don't want him to be their father, and C. He'd still BE a good father and active in their lives after the divorce.

Parenting: It's not all about the parents.
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DutchessOfDork
02/02/09

@MargaretMoony:

I would bet that she will be one of those mothers that use her children as pawns to get back at the ex for whatever reason.
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kemperboyd
02/02/09

In reply to "I'm Doing It For The Children" (Cheating, That Is)
Nothing worse than saying "hey kids, I know you miss your Dad, but here is some new arsehole who doesn't care about you, just wants to bone your Mum, ENJOY!"
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morninggloria
02/02/09

In reply to "I'm Doing It For The Children" (Cheating, That Is)
If you must cheat, admit that you did it for your clitoris and your ego.
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Miss Smith Drank Your Vodka
02/02/09

In reply to "I'm Doing It For The Children" (Cheating, That Is)
NOT to justify this woman's actions and sentiments at all, but the part about women being able to support their children as a single mother (just as well as in a relationship) ...

see: the effeminization of poverty. esp: divorced single moms.
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Beets.Go.On is the Fat Yogini
02/02/09

In reply to "I'm Doing It For The Children" (Cheating, That Is)
alright, I'm feeling all sorts of dumb today, first with not knowing what "First!" meant and now I don't know what "old quote about fish and bicycles" the author is referring to. Can someone help a dumb girl out again?
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Mikey375
02/02/09

@Beets.Go.On: "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." Something like that, anyway. Damn, whatever-wave-we're-in feminism needs some catchiness like that.
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Beets.Go.On is the Fat Yogini
02/02/09

@Mikey375: i have absolutely never heard that saying before. I prefer, "I need a boy like you like a hole in my head."
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BluebellaElliot
02/02/09

In reply to "I'm Doing It For The Children" (Cheating, That Is)
As a child I had a somewhat similar experience and one thing is almost 100% sure: those kids are going to HATE the new guy.
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kemperboyd
02/02/09

@BluebellaElliot: Nothing worse than saying "hey kids, I know you miss your Dad, but here is some new arsehole who doesn't care about you, just wants to bone your Mum, ENJOY!"
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argle-bargle? or fou-ferraw?
02/02/09

In reply to "I'm Doing It For The Children" (Cheating, That Is)
whoa. i don't know what to say to this... i'm not a mother and i hate to judge anyone's choices (especially parenting choices) but that just can't be good for those kids. i guess my thought is that having a model for communicative and honest adult relationships is more significant in the long run than the presence of a male figure.
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msAnthrope
02/02/09

In reply to "I'm Doing It For The Children" (Cheating, That Is)
kids especially now are smarter than most parents realize, and will quickly come to the conclusion that their mom is an unreliable flake, not to be trusted.

and like she thinks her kids are just gonna accept this new guy with open arms? the most fitting ending to this story would be for the kids to demand they live with their dad instead of their mom, and the mom finds out her new guy on the side has no intention of being in an actual relationship with her.
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Red-headed bookworm
02/03/09

@msAnthrope: I keep trying to point this out to someone I know who is having problems and thinking of cheating on his wife, but they are staying together "for the kids." Look, kids aren't dumb, especially when they are teenagers. Don't blame them or use them as an excuse for your actions or inaction.
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YourScreenplaySucks
02/02/09

In reply to "I'm Doing It For The Children" (Cheating, That Is)
This lady's an amateur. I regularly do threesomes and attend wife-swapping parties to increase my odds of finding a new man. For the children.
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badmutha
02/02/09

@Your Screenplay Sucks; Try Adding Zombies: Damn right for the children, such as.
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Hamsterpants
02/02/09

@Your Screenplay Sucks; Try Adding Zombies: Your methods are demode. I do car dates on Craigslist.
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argle-bargle? or fou-ferraw?
02/02/09

@Hamsterpants: hey, you're lookin' at ms.'oral for oral' right here...
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YourScreenplaySucks
02/02/09

@Hamsterpants: Damn you. Between your laundry manservant and your car sex, you are outwitting me at every turn.
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Lymed
02/02/09

@Your Screenplay Sucks; Try Adding Zombies: As long as you limit your activities to those with people who are in a better socio-economic situation. It's for the kids, you must make sure you are providing for them.
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JessicaLovejoy: Laughing, riding, cornholing!
02/02/09

In reply to "I'm Doing It For The Children" (Cheating, That Is)
WTF? Even the dad from Clueless said "you don't divorce children" and he was the stepfather!
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AthertonMerriweather
02/02/09

@Jessica Hussein Lovejoy is now on Facebook! Friends, plz?: Or pets.
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shananigans aka reluctant california resident
02/02/09

@Jessica Hussein Lovejoy is now on Facebook! Friends, plz?: What CAN'T you learn from Clueless?
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bluewine
02/02/09

@shananigans aka cookie pants!: I reference Clueless disturbingly frequently.
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BrutallyHonestBabes (aka Mrs. Sarah.of.a.Lesser.Hobbit)
02/02/09

In reply to "I'm Doing It For The Children" (Cheating, That Is)
"standard rationale for unhappy people who are afraid of being alone."

DING DING DING we have a winner
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badmutha
02/02/09

@BrutallyHonestZombies: Word, sister.
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Sanfo
02/02/09

@BrutallyHonestZombies: What's a bit of casual sex with someone who doesn't care about you, if it fills the silence that can only be filled with thoughts of reflection?
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Sanfo
02/02/09

@Sanford doesn't 'first' or 'fist' on the first date.: Not to say that consensual casual sex is a bad thing at all!! However, the consent did not carry through to her children. That's not alright.
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badmutha
02/02/09

In reply to "I'm Doing It For The Children" (Cheating, That Is)
My soon to be ex SIL is leaving my BIL because she says he is an asshole and she is tired of it. But we are all pretty sure that she has some action on the side, and I could hear her saying some nonsense like this.
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msAnthrope
02/02/09

@badmutha:

what's especially amusing about these scenarios is that when people like your SIL hook up on the side and then dump their husbands so they can be with the new guy, lo and behold! the new guy never had any intention of a serious relationship and liked the occasional spontaneous sex just fine, thank you.
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theysaidwhat
02/02/09

@msAnthrope: Yep, my sister learned that one the hard way...
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Lymed
02/02/09

@msAnthrope: Because some people date people in committed relationships because they are unavailable for a real relationship.
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misspie
02/02/09

In reply to "I'm Doing It For The Children" (Cheating, That Is)
utter bullshit. mom is just unable to be alone and is justifying her infidelity.

grow the eff up, lady, and end your marriage in a somewhat honorable way.
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VaginaWig is A Merkin
02/02/09

@misspie - panda tears and angel blood: While I disagree with this woman's logic, I don't necessarily think that cheating is a "dishonorable" thing to do. But I have very, um, liberal views on monogamy and fidelity.
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LooseBaggyMonster
02/02/09

@TheVaginaWig is Fabulous to the Nth Degree: Cheating is by definition dishonorable. It dishonors an agreement to monogamy. If there is no such agreement, then it's not cheating, and therefore not dishonorable.
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VaginaWig is A Merkin
02/02/09

@LooseBaggyMonster: I don't call it dishonorable because I'm not one to judge someone. I don't know how I would act in their situation, and therefore I will not judge someone for the decisions that they make regarding fidelity.

I do realize that not many people share my feelings on this, which is why I acknowledged that my views were not the norm in my first comment.
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