Jezebel: younger men

Why Am I Supposed To Date Older Men, Again?

Megan — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 18:00:00 EDT

Like most women, most of my dating life, I've dated older boys and men. It's almost what you're supposed to do, right? Men mature more slowly, they're less ready to settle down, they're less self-confident when they're younger. Older man are supposed to be more settled, more confident, more mature, more relationship-ready. Well, I'm 30 and I'm calling bullshit on all those theories. At this point, some of the most fucked-up men, the ones who treated me the worst, were older than me — often a lot older. And maybe I'm getting less mature by the day, but I could give a shit right now if some dude is living in a group house or making no money or thinks fart jokes are hilarious if he's also smart, funny and treats me with the respect and, I'll admit it, deference I'm sort of into right now. And I'm just not getting that from the older guys.

From the 43-year-old guy that used his terminally-ill brother as an excuse to regularly stand me up (but instead went out on dates with women he met online) to the 45-year-old guy who tried to pressure me into anal sex by claiming he couldn't orgasm any other way, to the 46-year-old guy who spent the entire time we dated apologizing for not being cool enough, I didn't get maturity, stability or self-confidence. And let's not forget my 50-year-old married stalker or the 60-year-old Congressman that I couldn't shake off my trail — I can't say any married guy who's ever hit on me was my age or younger. My last relationship ended after 4 years (when he was rounding the bend of 35) because he just wasn't in a place in his life to commit, and the guy I dated for 3 years before that went online when he hit 30 (I was 25) because he wasn't sure he'd slept with enough women to commit to a lifetime together. Each of these guys dumped enough of their emotional baggage on me from years of dating the wrong people and fucking up other relationships and getting dicked over by other women that I started to feel like I was not only having to be the normal variety of thoughtful and kind that I think dating (and general human interaction) entails, but as though I was having to atone for what life and women had supposedly done to them.

And so, in about the last year, I've slowly weaned myself off of dating older men. The oldest guy I've gone out with all year was 31. And while I won't say — with one exception — that any of the relationships I've had have been emotionally intense or long-lasting, neither have I spent hours upon hours tearing my hair out or wondering what's wrong with me. By and large, the guys I've gone out with (all of whom were old enough to drink, thank you) have been whip-smart, funny, charming, respectful and genuinely interested in talking with me rather than at me or to me. There's been no sexual pressure, no attempts at coercion, no efforts to try to push my boundaries in ways I'm uncomfortable with. And, happily, there's been no need for Viagra, little interest in rolling over and passing out, and a hell of a lot more cuddling and general PDA than I've previously had in even long-term relationships. Hand-holding? Yeah, it's still fun, even at my age.

I'm not saying I'd never go out with an older guy again, or that I wouldn't accept a date with a silver fox tomorrow. But dating younger men is one of the last taboos for women. It's always assumed — unlike older men with an "appropriately" younger woman — that it's about the sex or that it's a short term arrangement or that it's indicative of a fucked-up power dynamic. But as long as everyone's legal, why is it weirder or wrong-er for me to date a 25 year old than it is for me to date a 40 year old?

Chemistry Lessons

Dodai — Tue, 27 May 2008 15:40:00 EDT

Ladies! Are you looking for a younger man? An investment opportunity? Both??? Julia Macmillan has just the thing for you: It's called toyboywarehouse.com. Macmillan, who is 40-something, launched the site 18 months ago, and is looking for an investor. She was disenchanted with sites like Match.com and DatingDirect.com, which she claims tried to fix women her age up with retired golf-players. "Our site is aimed at strong independent women who don’t want a pipe and slippers man,” Ms. Macmillan explains. The good news? Guys are flocking to the site. "There are almost double the amount of men compared with women," she says. And she hates the word "cougar". "It sounds predatory and that’s not what this is about." Meanwhile, Macmillan is currently single. "My last relationship finished coincidentally when I launched the site. I think he might have been a bit jealous." Time to turn to her database of dudes! [Financial Times]

Screw Science: There's Something Sexy About Younger Men

Dodai — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 14:30:00 EDT

Over on Salon, Carol Lloyd is pondering the pairing of women with older men, specifically, a recent study in Sweden which found that when women are 4 to 6 years younger than their male partners, they give birth to more kids. Martin Fieder, an anthropologist at the University of Vienna, speculates that men evolved a preference for younger women because those women have a longer fertility span. Meanwhile, women might give birth to more children when they choose older partners because those guys are more likely to have greater financial resources. But, says Lloyd: "I've always cast a jaundiced eye on our cultural assumptions that men should be older (not to mention taller) than their wives. It seemed just another manifestation of the gender imbalances that coursed through our workplaces, government and educational system. Of course, when in love, all bets are off." (Lloyd married a man 11 years older.)

Biology and social constructs might explain being attracted to older men, but what explains liking younger guys?

Don't call Dateline NBC. I'm no Mary-Kay LeTourneau. But younger guys get me hot and bothered. Often they have better style, more enthusiasm, a joie de vivre and a straight-up cuteness that can't be denied. Which is not to say that older men don't have appeal. But younger guys just seem so fun. This predilection was definitely exacerbated by working at a teen magazine, where the actors, singers and boys in bands I interviewed were creative, funny, heartthrob-types whose ages hovered around the upper teens and early twenties. A few years ago I dated a guy who was five years younger and he thought I was so smart, so well-traveled, so accomplished, so together. It was an ego boost! (Then I realized he was an unemployed homeless couchsurfer and therefore easily impressed. But he was hot!) And I know I'm not alone. Our own Tracie "Slut Machine" Egan says, "I've always liked guys in their early 20s. When I was in high school I liked guys that age, and I still do. But now it's more about the fact that they can reboot quickly and they like to have morning sex." So while some ladies swoon over George Clooney, Tracie and I will be ogling young'uns like Shia, Emile, Michael, Channing, TI and Bow Wow. Is that so wrong?

Are Women Biologically Drawn To Older Men? [Salon]
Men With Younger Women Have More Children [New Scientist]