Jezebel: you've got male

"Bartender's Guide To Chicks" Will Drive Any Woman To Drink

Dodai — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 10:30:00 EDT

In ancient, pre-historic times, humans most likely gathered around a lake or pond to hydrate… and say things like, "Come here often?" The watering hole has always been a part of the mating ritual, and today's "bar scene" is no exception. Men's Health has a "bartender's guide to happy-hour hookups," in which the author, Chris Connolly, announces: "Bartenders are the coolest." Really? Cooler than Nobel prize winners, firemen, rock stars and UFC fighters? Good to know! Anyway, Connolly hangs out with Andrew, "the coolest bartender at the coolest bar" in his San Diego neighborhood and gleans six tips for picking up women in a bar. And really, he should have stopped after Tip #1, which is "Don't Be A Dick." Enough said, right?

And yet Connolly (who doesn't know what a gimlet is, poor thing) heads behind the bar to work with Andrew for one night. He learns earth-shattering stuff, like:

When a guy goes out with a bunch of women, it signals other women that he's not some kind of knucklehead. When a guy goes out with a group of guys, it means he's on the prowl.

Other tips! Men should try the "romantic return," in which they eye a woman, leave, and then come back. "Leaving the scene and then returning because you 'just couldn't let this opportunity go by' takes you out of the Lecherous category and puts you in the Romantic Fool category. It has a Hugh Grant quality that the ladies go for," Andrew explains. (Or makes you look wishy-washy! Or makes it look like asking for my number was something you had to talk yourself into!) Tip #4 is "Don't Dance (unless it's with a woman)", Tip #5 is "Have Good Follow-Up Lines." Andrew says: "Guys get too caught up in opening lines, when it's the next few things you say that make or break you." Actually, pretty much everything you say can make or break you. When you're approaching a woman, you're being judged, period. Act normal and you're gonna get a normal reaction! Act like a cheeseball or a sleaze and you're going to be dismissed. Possibly pointed at, definitely laughed at.

Last, but not least, Tip #6: Beware Of Overfriending." Quote Andrew: "If you pretend you're just a friendly guy, she'll think of you that way. Don't be afraid to get a little sexual when you're talking to women. And don't hide your intentions. It's dishonest, and they can see right through it." Hmm. Maybe. Women are not some exotic and elusive prey that you need to deconstruct the thought patterns of. I've been in plenty of bars and talked to plenty of dudes. The best pick-up line? The one that works every time? When a guy smiles and says, "Hey." But, you know, that's just me.

Find the Right Line [Men's Health]

Know Your History

dodai — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 17:45:00 EST

According to a review by Christopher Hart in the Times of London, Desmond Morris' new book, The Naked Man: A Study of the Male Body contains a wealth of amazing information. For instance: Any new Pope must have his balls checked by the College of Cardinals! Many Muslim men shave their armpits and their pubic hair! And codpieces, which first popped up in the 14th century, grew to an "outsize symbol of male virility" by the 16th. But some of the large codpieces were not an indication of the size of the member housed within but "useful for wastrel members of the nobility who were suffering from syphilis, and who could employ their codpieces as a protective covering for their medication and special bandaging." Ew, talk about a royal pain! [Times]

New Rule: When 'Dating' Online, Add 20 Years, 100 Lbs. To Your Partner's Profile

Dodai — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 17:00:00 EDT

In a bizarre, completely epic, seemingly made-for-the-big screen true story featured in Wired, a 45-year-old former Marine living in upstate New York named Thomas Montgomery visited gaming site Pogo with a fabricated identity: that of Tommy, an 18-year-old Marine about to be sent to Iraq. In a chat room, he met Jessi, an 17-year-old West Virginian girl, with whom he fell in love over IM. There were times when Tommy couldn't be online because he was "on duty" — but that was really because Montgomery had a wife, two daughters and a job in a factory. Jessi, however, had more free time on her hands, so she would make video montages of herself for Tommy, set to Aerosmith power ballads. About eight months after they'd met online, Tommy proposed. Jessi accepted.

He sent her flowers; she sent him G-strings and dog-tags engraved "Tom & Jessi Always & Forever." Tommy told Jessi to send his mail to Thomas Montgomery, his "father."

Montgomery was consumed by his marathon online chats with Jessi. While at work, he didn't stop talking about her, telling colleagues that he planned to leave his wife and move to West Virginia. In the evening, he would chase his daughters off the computer, planting himself in front of the screen late into the night.

At some point, Montgomery's wife, Cindy, discovered some of the items Jessi had sent. "I cannot believe is that you are living out some bizarre fantasy — as father and son," she wrote in a note to her husband. Cindy also wrote a letter to Jessi, enclosing a family photo and explaining that there was no "Tommy," only a 45-year-old man, his fantasies, his wife and two daughters (ages 14 and 16).

Jessi didn't know what to think, so she contacted a coworker Tommy had mentioned also frequented Pogo: Brian Barret. She wanted to know if Tommy was real or fake. Brian, 22, told Jessi the truth: Tommy didn't exist. But Brian and Jessi started messaging regularly. And that's when things took a turn for the worse. Brian boasted about IMing Jessi at work, and, not surprisingly, Montgomery started "acting erratic." And one day, as he was leaving work, someone shot Brian three times, killing him. Montgomery was charged with the murder, and while detectives were investigating, they also found Jessi's phone number on Brian's phone, so they contacted her.

"Jessi" turned out to be a 45-year-old mother of two who had used her daughter's screen name and pictures in all of the contact with Tommy and Brian.

There's several things to be learned from this story, among them that one should never, ever communicate with anyone in West Virgina, that no one left in the world, save Ashton Kutcher and The Girls Next Door, wants to have sex with people over 45, and that To Catch A Predator's Chris Hanson will probably have a job for all of eternity.

An IM Infatuation Turned to Romance. Then the Truth Came Out. [Wired]