It's baffling to think that there was a time people thought this cut of trouser looked good. It's weird around the crotch, it's weird around the hips, it's weird at the ankle. It's weird.

Is this what the crotch of a gentleman's jeans are suposed to look like? Like a smirking smiley face?

Or is everything from waist to crotch supposed to be smooth and high and square? Keep in mind this waistband is ELASTIC.

"The Dutch Look": Do you have a hash stash in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

We interrupt this crotch watch to bring you the sheer (heh) terror of the "mesh body shirt."

Two words come to mind, one of them LOL and the other OW.

Poor guy just found out there won't be a Dick Tracy sequel. He's devastated.

Although it's unclear what the rules of this game are — something about awkwardly showing off the crotch and knowing what to do with your hands — it's obvious that the black guy is winning.

The champ returns with another victory.

This crotch is insane. The way everything is bunched up and there are layers on layers and pleats on pleats and stariways leading to stairways as though Escher was the tailor.

Here, a bizarre exposed-button crotch competes wth a crop top worn over a hoodie for sheer mind-bogglery.

OMG remember Cross Colors? This was not the intended consumer.

And the winner. For Most Attention-Grabbing Crotch In A Pair Of Pants. Goes to… the "chaps-look jean," by Generra. Of course.

Earlier: The Best & Worst Of 'International Male,' Summer 1986
The International Male 1986 Holiday Catalog: The Recockulous Jackpot!
Searching For The Worst Outfit In 'International Male'
UnderGear: No Boxers, No Briefs... From The People Who Brought You International Male
Related: Yesterday In Catalogs

The movie How To Marry A Millionaire — starring Marilyn Monroe, Betty Grable and Lauren Bacall — was released in 1953. Afterward, a TV series starring Barbara Eden ran for two years. And ten years later, the FOH catalog promised shoppers could "Get That Marry-A-Millionaire Look."

The "look" was all about an hourglass shape: Nipped waist; exaggerated hips and bust. And the wording emphasized that these ensembles were not about how they made you feel, but how another person would feel seeing you in them. For example:

Here, the shoes are not marketed as cool, chic, stylish or indulgent. They're "ultra high," for "shaplier legs" and called "attention getters."

"Provocative Pastels." Clearly, the person wearing the garments is not the one being provoked.

Some clothes are advertised as being luxurious, or inexpensive, or fun — these underthings have work to do:

…And their mission is to "captivate."


Though styles have changed, Frederick's still uses this kind of language — this is from a 2008 catalog:


"Seduction" is the goal — not comfort, or your feelings, as a woman. Unless your feelings are: snag that man. Please that man. Wear what he likes. Maybe even do what he likes? After all, Frederick's sells this:

Even if a woman has fun dressing up, feels empowered when she "captivates" or "seduces," isn't it interesting that the garments are overtly advertised as not really for her?


Retroslutty: 1964 Frederick's of Hollywood Catalog [Copyranter]
Earlier: Frederick's Of Hollywood: Not As Slutty As You Might Think! (But Still Pretty Slutty)
Frederick's Of Hollywood Has A Heart-On For Valentine's Day

While the colors and the patterns on these swimsuits are fun — and there's certainly more fabric here than in the entire Lucky shoot — the bloomer-ish bottoms make me think of "full" diapers.

I definitely had a windbreaker like this as a kid. And hey, look! An Asian model! Is the 1972 Sears catalog more diverse than Vogue?

Is it the insanely long crotch, the slight flare, or the sea-sick colors that make these jeans "nautical" ?

The Asian girl seems to be saying, "How come everyone here looks like Jan Brady except for me?"

Wow, strawberries! On pockets! Far out!

The young lady with the megacollar purple shirt is saying to her friend with the apple belt, "Mary Jo is always opening her skirt. What a slut."

"Hahaha, anyone know any good sailor jokes?"

Did you know that 1972 was the Year of the Dress? Apparently, it was also the year of red, white and blue. And gingham. And hideousness.

SOMEONE ALERT KANYE WEST!!!1!!!! Yeezy: The gauntlet has been thrown. It's your move.

Ah, "The Rugged Ones," for roughing it, out there in the harsh terrain of the strip mall.

"No way, Jose, my dad sells way more used cars than your dad."

I'm just going to go ahead and point out the fact that the kids with brown skin are not, repeat NOT in the hero cowboy gear. Instead, they get some sad buckskins they probably traded some land for. Really, though: It's not the '70s unless there's a dude with an Afro in a Native-American-influenced getup. See: Jimi Hendrix. And Cochise from The Warriors.

So, which drugs were popular in 1972? Marijuana? Shrooms? LSD? Is there another explanation for these pants?

Check out the saucy minx in the middle, exposing her yellow leg for all to see! Slow down, you move too fast.

"Special" is a good word for it. A '70s-PC way of saying, "more likely to get beat up on the playground," no?

"Elementary, my dear Watson. And by 'elementary,' I mean 'elementary school.' Where I will be going… someday."

Finally! A situation in which jumpsuits are appropriate. The pink "bubble" sunsuit on that little girl, however, still brings to mind dirty diapers.

And look! Speaking of poop: While she tries to hold it in, the elephant just lets loose!

Earlier: The Best Sears Women's Fashions For Spring & Summer …Of 1972

The Best & Worst Of 'International Male,' Summer 1986
The International Male 1986 Holiday Catalog: The Recockulous Jackpot!

The gentleman behind this posse of ladies is clearly intimidated by their matchy-matchy ensembles, which feature "wide ribbed texture." These pieces are made of Dacron™, Fortrel™, and poly-cotton blends. Props for the awesome Afro and the extremely patriotic vinyl shoes.

I love everything about this image, including the Angels & Demons Illuminati-esque red "beach shift," in oh-so-breathable acrylic/polyester knit. But the best part is that the "lobster" is an illustration that was added later. Even before Photoshop there was image tinkering!

Primary colors FTW!

First, I'm fairly sure that if you go to any crafty, hipstery part of town, you can find some version of each of these outfits. Second: Please note that red, white and blue were the colors of Spring 1972. Nixon was president and Watergate didn't break until mid-June, so everyone was all, USA! USA! Third, the red and white anchor pattern on the far right is the exact pattern of the curtains my parents had in their red and white Volkswagen minibus when I was a kid. True facts.

Maybe I am turning into a big old fuddy-duddy, but these swimsuits are so much more fun than the skimptastic ones in Lucky.

Seriously, look how cute. And you could actually swim without showing the fish an areola or pube.

More red, white & blue. Also: A Jumpsuit! Peeing involves removing a belt and shimmying a scoopneck neckline around your knees.

When they say "bazaar jeans," they mean "bizarre jeans," no?

Someone here thinks she is a Very Serious Model. Hint: The Brunette. She has Big Plans and they don't involve Sears, or "boy cut jeans."

She is working. This could be her big break! Yellow plaid pants be damned!

More super adorable swimwear, a steal at $6 per piece.

There she is again, on the far left. She's gonna be a star, dammit!

Um, I want the blue coat with the white trim. $22.97 seems like a good deal.

I used to have a "qiana" shirt I got at a vintage store. Did it have the "luxury of silk"? Well, it was silky, but it was POLYESTER. It was the hottest piece of clothing I ever owned. Just putting it on ensured that pit stains would appear under my arms. Why anyone would fabricate a long-sleeved dress out of that stuff is unfathomable. And $25 seems steep!

Fairly sure I saw this lady at the bank last week. As a teller. Same hair and outfit but 36 years older.

Hey! Is your Dacron, Qiana and polyester not really warm enough? Add a shawl! Not just any shawl, a Versa-Shawl. In "soft acrylic and nylon." Wearing near an open flame not recommended.

Knocked up? Don't worry, there's plenty of polyester for you, too.

Plus: Maternity girdles. "Gives you the support you need while you're pregnant." Would that be financial? Emotional? Oh, and re: the girdle with garters "For A First Pregnancy": I don't know what that means, but I don't know that I want to know.

You call them "Cover-Ups," I call them "the perfect blogging outfits." The UPS guy will see me as a lady of leisure and not just a slob!

The trussing on girdles like this always reminds me of meat. But this just isn't any old support: It's scientific.

Wow. Those wigs all get points for sheer vertical achievement.

My new all-chick punk band is called The Crushables. Starting now.

Just in time for summer: Workouts where you just stand there, or, better yet: Lie down.

Earlier: The Best & Worst Of 'International Male,' Summer 1986
The International Male 1986 Holiday Catalog: The Recockulous Jackpot!

Yeah, that's right. Uptown. Where purple and pink are hot. Where a satin big shirt is cool. Where drugs are necessary.

The Publisher's Choice: Is that Colin Farrell?

"Dude, should I wear my Avanti slacks with The Vercelli, the Griffin sweater, or both?"

S351 looks suspiciously like a throw from my mom's couch.

Note the utter lack of irony in that man's face as he models that Vaquero Jacket. Fringe is his friend.

It wasn't just in Better Off Dead. I went to prep school in the '80s. Stuff like this really happened.

My mind keeps whispering, "You mean foreign lesion. From sketchy sex."

Memo To Chuck Bass: Step it up.

Wait a second: Is that Kim Cattrall?

Is it??????

There's nothing like an intense workout! Especially when it involves wearing shimmering spandex and getting a grip on another dude. Feel the burn!

Ahem. What do you think would happen if I called right now and tried to order this item right out of 1986? Seriously. I need to know.

Earlier: The Best & Worst Of 'International Male,' Summer 1986
UnderGear: No Boxers, No Briefs... From The People Who Brought You International Male
Searching For The Worst Outfit In 'International Male'

Did you know that Rayon was the season's most important fabric in the summer of 1986? Did you know that her peculiar, unfortunate shirt was called an "angel top"? Well, now you do. International Male does God's work.

The beefy, blond Aryan type loses his appeal when he's in pseudo-military gear, in my opinion. It takes me back to when, as a wee lass, I found out Rolfe was a Nazi in the Sound Of Music. Sniff.

"It's a natural! Just as natural as what my hand is doing in my pocket right now. It must be natural — it feels so good!"

Which would you rather find out the man in your life wears: The supertrimmer? Or Le Masque? Think carefully.

Oooh, "classics"! Denim short-shorts, camo bikini undies, chest-hair revealing tank tops and "Foreign Legion" brozner. Collect 'em all!

The Key Largo shirt is mildly horrifying. The peach canvas suit is Miami Nice. But let's focus on the Dickens Glasses, shall we? Because it is taking all my power not to make a joke like, "They're called that because you wear them when you want to get a dick in you."

Isn't it funny how all the '80s styles now are on svelte, emaciated hipster boys? These fashions look so different with a little hair and brawn thrown in.

And by "For Her" they mean, "For when he feels like gettin' freaky."

Just because this kind of shock and awe is a little unorthodox doesn't mean it's ineffective.

The swimsuits of 1986 were actually quite tame when compared to what's going on over there now.

Guido Slacks. 'Nuff said.

The soft focus, the sad, subservient, irrelevant female, the women's underwear that looks like men's underwear: Genius.

A new attitude! In unnecessary glasses! And is it me, or is that shoe on the right downright obscene?

Earlier: UnderGear: No Boxers, No Briefs... From The People Who Brought You International Male
Searching For The Worst Outfit In 'International Male'