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Some Parents Looking To Adopt Find Bureaucratic Roadblocks
New York, 4:14 PM
Wed Nov 11
71 posts in the last 24 hours
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Some Parents Looking To Adopt Find Bureaucratic Roadblocks |
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Because of my brother I know a lot of families that adopted in the mid-eighties. One family adopted from the foster system and took in two older(2 and 7) white sisters(one with HIV)- I think they may have adopted them to look like the parents, because they do. I also know only one family that actually wanted and waited for a white infant to look like the parents. Most of the other kids I know are from South and Central America. I know one white family that adopted a boy from South America then a little girl from the US with mixed heritage.
The system needs to change. Parents who really want children are colorblind. They should indeed loosen the requirements and make it less expensive(though, who knows how that could be accomplished). There are so many people in this world who are desperate to be parents, and so many children who need good homes. It makes me so angry that gay parents are getting left out, the screening process is too stringent and indeed screens out great parents.
I don't know if I could ever adopt(it really is a challenge for my mother sometimes- wondering if my brother is going to look for his birth family) but I applaud anyone who does. Its the greatest thing you can do for a child.
11/10/08
I know a Christian couple who is going to Uganda for their 3rd African child, and raising all of them Christian in a white town. What do these African children lose from that? And why is this being done when we have so many kids waiting for adoption right here in the US?
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What I'd really like to see (she said facetiously) is people having to pass a test before they breed naturally. Surely that would weed out a lot of undesirable parenting candidates.
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I've read almost nothing but horror stories about domestic adoption. And I'm very conflicted about inter-racial adoption. Not at all because I feel my family would exclude a child of a different race or love her/him less, but because of the social and psychological repercussions the child will likely deal with.
I recently read the list of home-study requirements for Texas. Its intense. For example, my kids' trampoline (the type with safety netting) that provides hours of fun exercise, is prohibited by Texas safety requirements. Little things like that. And they keep adding up.
Plus, the huge nightmare that my family could be placed with a child, bone with the child, and then loose her/him - that makes domestic adoption terrifying.
I'm prepared for a long and rocky road. Kids need homes. I've got room in my life, home, and heart for one or two more children. Yet, I get the feeling that despite all our qualifications, my family will be deemed not good enough (ie: perfect) to offer a child a permanent, safe, and loving home.
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Obama grew up black in a white family. I'm sure many people thought he was a foster child or adopted. He's done OK.
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But, yeah, in the end, I think the need for a stable, loving home trumps everything else, including race and ethnicity.
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Also, good luck!
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If not, those nit-picky things all seem sort of pointless. While I definitely think the home environment should be checked out to make sure the prospective parents have been honest about everything and are on the up-and-up, who really cares if there is a trampoline or the hot water is turned to high? Those little things could very easily change once the child is placed.
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We ended up going international, and China required 4 visits for one year, with photos documenting his medical care for his special need. Nepal will require two letters a year until our daughter is 16, and I will write them with joy. And I have to say I am happy to take tepid showers, since with a toddler a five minute shower is a rare luxury.
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In the case of China, the fees that you pay in-country are set and actually very low. It was a $3000 "orphanage donation" when I adopted. (Given that the orphanage fed, cared for (quite well, from everything I can tell), clothed, and housed my daughter for nine months, I thought that the about $11 per day that this works out to was pretty darn reasonable.) There are miscellaneous other fees that you pay over the course of the adoption -- getting documents certified, a lot of photocopying and mailing/overnight mail expenses, etc.
I can't recall what my full costs were at this point, but I have always maintained that it was no more than (and probably less than) the costs of giving birth. I am also certain it was nowhere near $30K. The difference is that insurance doesn't cover any of it. However, the federal tax credit does significantly lessen the net cost.
Also, thank you for phrasing the question the way you did. Most people just want to know how much it costs, not why. And, of course, you always have a few people who are idiots -- I had two people who asked me ON THE WAY HOME FROM CHINA "How much did she cost?"
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And sometimes, teens are really almost too much to handle. It's hard enough parenting a teenager you raised from a baby, but one that's had a lifetime of fucked up? That's got to be murder. My best friend's mom tried to foster after her kids were out of the house. She had such trouble with the girl that she eventually gave up, and believe me, raising my bf was no walk in the park. I was tough and she was my bad influence.
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Supposedly, Minnesota has some of the best adoption laws on the books. It's one of the reasons I'm glad I live here.
It's a fine line...regulation is a necessity but I do agree that a lot of states aren't seeing the forest for the trees.
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So I switched agencies. More paperwork, and noisy questions. Then I didn't get a referral for three years. The only children I was offered were not free for adoption, so if they had lived with me and any bio relative came forward in the 2-3 years it would take to finalize the adoption, I would have lost them. My state's laws suck.
I tried private adoption (open to any race) but didn't get picked. My partner and I are not photogenic and we don't have a cute story. Just two people who really want to parent.
My son is from China, and his sister will be from Nepal. Expensive as hell, but worth it to know that when they put them in my arms, they are mine for life.
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on the flip side of the coin, i read an article last week about children conceived through anonymous sperm donors and how the men who were the sperm donors have mixed feelings about being contacted. one guy actually said that the whole thrill of doing sperm donation was that you got paid for it and that you knew you were a parent to some kid out there without having to deal with, y'know, marriage or, y'know, responsibility.
*headdesk*
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As to sperm donors -- piss on 'em! If they're the type who don't want the responsibility, then they shouldn't be foisting their genes off on some poor kid.
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i look at anonymous sperm and egg donation as the same thing as anonymous adoptions. with all the biometrics and so many of our diseases today being discovered as having genetic links..even if you didn't know that when you donated eggs and sperm, with the studies that come out now, you'd have to think that maybe, perhaps, someday someone would approach you to find out if you were their biological parent...if only for genetic purposes.
from what i can gather from the interviews i've read, nobody is coming to the biological parent asking for cash. they just want some sort of genetic links explained. personally, if you feel mature enough to donate eggs and sperm anonymously for cash, you should feel mature enough to handle the outcome 20 or 30 years later.
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This is why I think anonymous donation is only going to last another 10-20 years. Those kids are going to grow up.
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I think it's easy to say "Yes, I would adopt a black child" or "Yes, I would a child over 5", to a survey-taker. You don't want to look like an ass. But when it comes down to reality, it's a different story.
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My husband I really want to adopt, siblings if possible, when we're done having biological kids.
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The point about better recruitment and information for parents is a good one. However, this study is suffering from a huge Bradley effect. While people might say that they are 'willing' to adopt a child with special needs, or non-white skin, or quite a few candles on their birthday cake, the reality is that these children are widely available and people are not choosing them. I work in the field; I see it all the time. It's easier to blame a bureaucracy than to admit that most people would rather remain childless than adopt a non-white teenager.
If you are an average person with a relatively stable life, you can adopt a child from foster care with very little effort (and if you live outside of the bible belt, the agency will not care what your sexual orientation is). If you want to adopt a healthy white newborn, get in line.
It doesn't matter what people are telling pollsters, the statistics on children in foster care tell the real story.
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The surveys DO lie, because people who take surveys are trying to represent what they *should* think instead of what they really intend to do.