news roundup

Mariah Carey Is More Important Than Elvis, Not Only In Her Mind This Time

• Mariah Carey has officially had more #1 hits than Elvis, not that the whole math of hitmaking is really what it used to be, and speaking of math she explains her whole theory of relativity thing thusly: "It's like emancipation of Mariah Carey to the second power and beyond." [WSJ]
  
• The man with the uterus is supposedly appearing on tomorrow's Oprah. I am so, so sad I'm taking the rest of the week off. [People]
  
• A bunch of new polls say Obama is gaining on Hillary in Pennsylvania. This is confusing, because just two hours ago I got an email from my friend, a Hillbot, claiming that the opposite was occurring, and I shot back that blah blah blah I don't believe polls ever, and that is particularly true right now. [Philly.com]
  
• A human-cow embryo was created in Britain and it survived for three days. Somehow this sort of advancement is supposed to actually make stem cell research less controversial with religious people and such, although I think the scientific community might be overestimating the religious community's capacity to understand how. [Reuters]
  
• You thought they couldn't find a new a twist on the power figure/prostitute scandal but! The spouse of Michigan's junior senator was fucking prostitutes. Yup, the spouse of (female) senator, Debbie Stabenow, was caught picking up a $150 hooker in the town of... Big Beaver. [Wonkette]

More »

crappy hour

Happy Non-St. Pat's Day, Folks! The World Is Currently Ending

How was your weekend? Hey! Guess who cares; no one. Fucking End Times came while you were drinking green beer or whatever, to the point that I shouldn't have to bait you with the fact that the McGreeveys HAD HARD CORE INTENSE BUTT SEX ORGIES WITH MARGARITAS/ POTATO SKIN PLATTERS AT T.G.I.FRIDAYS. But there I go baiting you! Okay, seriously though: did you know today is not St. Patrick's Day? No, the Vatican foresaw that everyone would be drinking heavily anyway today and rescheduled it so it wouldn't conflict with the collapse of the American financial system/China's control over its populace/numerous buildings. In other news, John McCain is taking some soothing R&R in Iraq. Will Spielberg and the Beastie Boys and the rest of the "Dalai clique" spoil the Olympics for China? Will the Fed bail me out in the event of a liquidity crisis in approx four weeks? Why can't I get in on Bear Stearns at two bucks a share? All that and odds on Laura Bush dropping her cookie sheet to call up Hu Jintao on behalf of her precious hot monks with me and Glamocracy's Megan Carpentier. JUMP. More »