The Plot: Now, pay close attention, because the plot is very complicated and very stupid. This is all background: Lallie has been Owen's stepsister since she was four. When their parents died, Owen raised her and her younger siblings. They had a contentious relationship. When Lallie was a young woman, she was framed as having an affair with an older married man, in fact a publicity stunt that the tabloids went wild with. Owen believed the lies, and banished her from the family home. He also forced her to live with some horrible couple in lock-down. She escaped, and hasn't spoken to him in six years. Got it?

Now, Lallie comes home from work one day to find Owen waiting for her. He informs her that the family housekeeper has suffered a heart attack and wants Lallie to come home and care for her. He's already informed her boss. Oh, and by the way, it's necessary to the housekeeper's recovery that the step-siblings pretend to be engaged. And also because Owen's assistant is trying to trick him into marrying her. They return to the family home, where they fight all the time, Owen constantly brings up the fact that she's a woman with a past, and whenever they need to "fool" someone, he manhandles her against her will. Obviously, she realizes that she's always been in love with him. So then, it turns out Owen's younger brother is living in sin with some woman. Because he was also always in love with Lallie and because they have to set a good example for the unmarried couple, Lallie and Owen have to go through with their marriage. They do, he realizes she's a virgin, and confesses he's always loved her and just ostracized her and sent her away so his brother wouldn't marry her instead. Yay!

The Evidence:
When she wakes up to find Owen lying on the couch with her: "Don't look so offended, I was too tired to make a pass at you, and if I had, what are you complaining about? This won't be the first time you've been in bed with a man."

When she sprains her ankle: "Shut up!" he warned her, "or I'll slap your backside, you aggravating little madam."

When she tells him she's not hungry: "You aren't getting anything to eat," came his brutal reply. "I don't want you throwing up in my car."

When he kisses her to fool someone: "You'll be used any way I choose. And don't look so outraged - you liked it!"

When she tries to shop within her means: "Trying to impress me with your sense of economy? Don't waste your time and mine, I know you too well."

When they're engaged: "I've the right now and I'll have you down on that couch and carry out my own inspection. Taste and try before you buy, that's my motto. Even if the goods are a bit shopsoiled."

During a detante: "She had marvelled at his good temper; he hardly ever called her a vicious little bitch now, just sometimes it was there in his eyes, that suppressed anger, but she ignored it."

On their wedding night, when he sees her nightgown: "Not glamorous, or very seductive. Is this the best you can do, or don't you think I'm worth any better?"

How We Know He's A Good Guy: We don't.

The End: "[I've loved you] ever since you were a kid, and I wanted you when you were sixteen, even before that, but you were too young. [The housekeeper] knew about it and she warned me off. You had to be given time, she said, so I backed off and cracked down hard on you. You needed it, you tempestuous little witch...other women were just something to keep my mind off a black-haired little terror who ripped up my peace and had me walking the floor at night wondering if she'd scream blue murder if I went into her room and made love to her."

Advantages: What, besides the lust for the underage stepsister, the misogynistic abuse, the casting her out of her home, and the sexual harassment? Let me think...

Handicaps: Does not appear to be a self-made mogul.

Earlier: Worst 80's Romance Hero Contestant #2: Dr. Ralph Culver, Stormy Springtime.

Worst 80's Romance Hero, Contestant #1: Jay Courtland, Rules Of The Game

The "Plot": Our heroine, Meg Culver, is a particular doormat: taken advantage of by her two older sisters, mousy, domestic Meg has been caring for their dying mother for the past few years. Now that their mother has died, Meg decides to stay on and be housekeeper for the new owners, since she doesn't want to leave. Mrs. Culver, the new tenant, has an obnoxious doctor son who treats Meg horribly. Then he offers her a job as a receptionist and an apartment to go with it, even though he continues to treat her with complete contempt. Sometimes he makes her act as housekeeper for his mother or grandmother. All the while he squires glamorous women around, who occasionally show up and insult Meg. Then he fires her. But! Surprise! It's because he has a new job for her - as his wife! Yay!

The Qualifications: "It would behoove you to mind your words, would it not?" he reminds her after they meet. He's always very concerned that she remember her "place."

"He didn't know why he thought of her sometimes; she was really nothing to look at."

She said shyly, 'The flat is lovely, Professor Culver.' And when he grunted in reply, she added, 'I think I shall like working for you; I hope...I'll do my best.'
'You won't stay long if you don't!'

When he comes to her flat to find she's adopted a stray kitten, and borrowed a book from the office to learn more about his work:

"I wasn't aware that I'd made you free of the books in my consulting room," he said softly...he had the look of an angry man...He said in the same soft voice, "And what is that bedraggled creature doing here, filthy dirty and no doubt flea-ridden?" His black eyes narrowed and his mouth had a nasty curl to it. "Haven't you got a little above yourself, my girl? Helping yourself to my books, bringing verminous animals into this house..." He was getting really cross; it was time to stop him before he was in a real rage.

When his glamorous girlfriend drops in on Meg uninvited: "We thought we'd do a bit of slumming, my dear...My god, can you cook, too? Ralph said you were a pre-war paragon with no ambition. We'll just sit down while you slave over a hot stove."

When he takes her out for tea: "The waitress offered her a great tray of rich cream cakes which she eyed with a childish pleasure which her companion, did she but know it, found vaguely pathetic."

While she's working as a housekeeper:

"There you are. Where have you been?"
"Packing for your mother, Professor. I came to turn off the lights, but perhaps you would do that when you go to bed?'
"Prim," he said nastily, and "A poker down your back," and he kissed her hard.

How We Know He's Actually a Good Guy: He's "a wonderful son" and apparently a really competent doctor.

The End:

He kissed her quiet. "Later - I've other plans for the moment."
"Oh well," said Meg happily. "If you say so."

Advantages: Treats heroine like a servant the entire book, never lets her address him by his first name.

Handicaps: Lack of rapiness.

Earlier: Worst 80's Romance Hero, Contestant #1: Jay Courtland, Rules Of The Game

The "Plot": Shy virgin Vanessa is an aspiring photographer who just happens to bear a Patty Duke-style exact resemblance to her cousin, top model "Nadia." When Jay Courtland, a former star footballer turned manager, comes to her photography studio, she mistakes him for a male model, and he mistakes her for Nadia. "Sparks" fly. For reasons that are unclear, Vanessa's brother insists she continue to impersonate Nadia and pose for a calendar with Jay's team (in which Jay "jerks off" her swimsuit and insists she pose topless.) Jay and fake-Nadia begin a tempestuous romance. Before they do the deed, though, the real Nadia materializes and exposes Vanessa. Jay repudiates her cruelly and starts sleeping with Nadia. Vanessa, obviously, is forced to travel with the team as official photographer. Jay is abusive and cruel to her for about 50 pages, constantly taunts her by talking about his sex life, then sleeps with her, admits he loves her, and kicks Nadia out of his house. Happily ever after!

The Qualifications:
At their first meeting: "Beautiful and clever," he murmured softly, "the dove fleeing from the hawk, not knowing that her very flight promotes his pursuit, unlike you, who I am sure knows very well the effect she has on the male sex."

After the reveal: "Now that I see you together, I think I must have been blind. You're very much the dross, aren't you, Vanessa? Very much a pale imitation of the real thing."

When he sees her hanging out with another guy:

"Well, well," Jay taunted softly. "Still trying to get rid of your precious virginity? What's the matter, won't he take it either?...Did he take it? Because if he hasn't, tonight I will. That's what you want isn't it Vanessa? To lie in my arms, my body possessing yours?"

Then a five-page attempted rape ensues in which he pushes into her room and rips off her clothes. "No? I think you mean yes...In fact I'm going to prove to you that you do mean yes!" When she "gives in" and they start fooling around, he delivers this charmer: "Touch me, Vanessa. Can't you see how much I want that? Nadia wouldn't need to be asked." This particular time he ends up thrusting her aside in disgust and stalking out; no, when they do have sex, it's because he says, "Shut up, Vanessa. Tonight I'm going to make love to you."

How We Know He's Actually A Good Guy: He gives a lot of money to charity, he doesn't relocate the team, and he's only such an asshole because he was an orphan.

The End: "Stop talking woman and let me make love to you."
She laughed softly then agreed demurely, "Anything you say, my love, anything at all."

Advantages: Jay Courtland's maltreatment of two women in the course of the book (even if Nadia's terrible, so that's okay) gives him a slight leg up on the competition.

Handicaps: Does not attempt any blackmail, use financial leverage, or attempt to force her into marriage.