Jezebel: words of advice

How To Really Push Away A Pickup Artist

Megan — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 15:00:00 EDT

Nerve.com advice columnist Erin Bradley takes on the oh-so-tough question of what a good insult is to throw at the guy at the bar for whom "Go away" is an invitation to keep talking. Her advice? Tell him to go away. Great, well, sometimes that doesn't work. Some guys are just that persistent. Sometimes you're playing wing-woman and the dude hasn't noticed the play, but you can't leave your girl behind. And sometimes, you kind of just want to be a cunt. So what then? A few thoughts on a subject not covered by Erin are after the jump.

Yes, you have every right to be in a bar without harassment. But life's not fair. So if a guy is so full of himself that he doesn't understand the word "no," just leave. If you paid a cover — and particularly if you have asked for assistance from the bartender and been refused — ask to see the manager on the way out, explain why you're leaving and ask for your money back. You might not get it, but it'll feel good to yell at someone.
One of my time-honored plays is to direct his attention to another woman with whom he might have better luck. It's not the fairest thing to other women, but I figure if we all keep him moving, then no one has to deal with him for more than a few minutes. And, really, the type of guy who just won't quit will fall for this every time.
Start talking (preferably in a high pitched voice) about how you recently designed your perfect engagement ring online and gave the link to your ring buddy who is just right over there and that you should probably introduce the two of them.
Don't claim homosexuality. Dudes like this think that's even hotter.
Grab his left hand and loudly ask the people around you if they like his wedding ring (assuming he's wearing one). Alternately, point out the tan line or ring marks on that finger equally loudly.
Talk about your recent bout with Pelvic Inflammatory Disease and the huge bruises the inter-abdominal antibiotic injections left on your stomach.
A friend of mine offers to buy shots and then orders one of Wild Turkey and Tabasco for him (or make up your own vomit-inducing combo!) and water for her. She calls it "entertaining."
Fish in your purse for a pen with which to write your number and pull out a tampon, preferably of the Super variety, instead.
Use the phrase "vaginal prolapse" in a sentence.
Any story you can tell about damage to the genitals is your friend. Bonus points if you caused the damage.
Cry about something, preferably a dead cat or relative. Demi-Moore-In-Ghost style tears don't count, your eyes must swell and get bloodshot, you must begin to blubber and your nose must run.
"A sphincter says, 'What.'"
Call your mother, or fake-call your mother. It helps if you can call her "Mommy" with a straight face.
Talk about how your sisters call you 'Terminator 3' because of all the abortions you've had.

But's that just me. What do you do?

Deflating A Persistent Pick Up Artist [Nerve]

"Do Some Men Just Prefer The Long, Hard Gymnastic Bang?"

Slut Machine — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 16:20:00 EST

Welcome to the first installment of "Pot Psychology". Judging from the response we received from our call for questions for this column, I can safely say that you guys are nuts. Not necessarily because of your issues, but because so many of you are willing to take the advice of a stoner. Frankly though, I don't blame you, 'cause actually my herbal advice is sage. Also, you're enabling me to get paid... for getting high. (Remember kids: don't do drugs!!!). After the jump, I weigh in on readers' issues regarding bisexuality, big dicks, rough sex and slimy, cheating men. [Note: Slut's answers are unedited. -Ed.]

OK, here's a good one. I'm married to a great guy for 10 years. I started graduate school again. (I'm 32.) Now I'm in love with my good friend (a woman) and we're way more than just physical. She is compatible with me and we have great chemistry. He is almost my polar opposite but we have chemistry. Does bi-sexual exist if you are married or is it called "slut"?

A: OK first of all, "here's a good one"? Conceited! Just kidding...sort of. You know, I'm supposed to be high answering, you're not supposed to be high asking. Well, never mind, I guess you can be. So what was the question? You're gay? Yes, I think you're gay. Get divorced. Be gay. It's going to be OK.

I have a great and well-endowed boyfriend, but it's impossible for me to get hands-free orgasms in the sack. All of the tricks that I've read (reverse cowgirl, doggie style, etc.) don't ever work because for some reason, my clitoris has decided to be as far away as possible from my vagina that I never get any clit action during sex unless I'm the one manually doing it. Since you're a pro at sex, maybe you know other ways to get hands free orgasms during vaginal sex?

A: Dude, I think it doesn't matter how you get your orgasms, as long as you're getting them. It's good that you know what works for you. But if you're so hung up on the hands-free aspect because you're trying to grab onto other, uh, things, you can try those hands-free vibrators that you put on like a jock strap. They make your butt look weird though. Just a warning. Oh, also, I am not a "pro" at sex. Cash has never exchanged hands for any sexual acts. But I'll still take that as a compliment. So thanks and good luck with your vagina and all its efforts.

I recently reentered the dating world after a devastating marital breakup. Devastating, in no small part, because my husband and I were amazingly sexually compatible and had an astounding sex life even while he was inserting his peen in someone else's catbag for the final year of our union. I took up with a younger man who was, shall we say, rather fiery. We had sex a few times and it was ridiculous. He had me up on every piece of furniture in my house with my ankles behind my ears for two hours of hard pounding. I pleaded a few times and asked if we could just please lie down in a bed and go slowly every once in a while, to no avail. I have stopped dating him because I felt we were completely sexually incompatible. But should I have stuck it out? Could I have taught him to have sex my way? Is that possible? Or do some men just prefer the long, hard, gymnastic bang and can never be taught about the pleasures of a slow, languid romp with perhaps some hard pounding interspersed every now and again?

A: It was so hard to finish reading this. I am stoned. Remember? Anyway, I think a lot of whatever's the matter with you probably is related to the fact that you liken a woman's vagina to a "catbag." You know?

I have been seeing this guy for the past month or so. He is really good looking, great job, well-dressed, very polite and attentive. This weekend my friends met him for the first time, and their cumulative assessment was that he is GAY. At first I was in complete shock and a little offended, but then started considering the possibility: He cooked dinner for me, has not tried to sleep with me, and when I talk to him on the phone he is often shopping with his mother. Is he a metrosexual or totally gay?

A: Totally gay. Unless you're making this up. Because it's too obvious what's going on here. I'm baked and even I could tell. And it took me 45 minutes to read that paragraph...but that's probably still less time than you've spent pondering this gay minstrel cartoon. But if you are in fact for serious, I say who cares if he's gay or straight or who the fuck he goes shopping with or if he wipes his ass from back to front or front to back? If you're not getting laid, it doesn't matter. Go have sex elsewhere.

Do you think that a guy with a girlfriend will ever dump her in favor of someone else he's sleeping with? My instinct is no but I totally want to believe otherwise for this guy I'm sometimes sleeping with and sometimes not. What do you think?

A: Sometimes you're sleeping with him and sometimes you're not? That's called "pussy on the side." If you don't make his breakfast, then you's a sideline ho. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, as long as the sex is good and you don't care about feelings. But maybe you should think about it this way: Don't steal people's boyfriends. Just borrow them. Give them back when you're done. Why would you want to make a boyfriend out of someone who has already proven he isn't even good at it?

You Asked, We Answered: Introducing "Pot Psychology"

Anna — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 14:00:00 EST

Who says we're qualified to offer advice on life, love, and the pursuit of happiness? No one! But based on your emails and comments, you want it anyway, so, beginning next week, we'll be debuting a new column, "Pot Psychology", to be headed up by none other than our own Slut Machine. The marijuana connoisseur will be answering readers' most pressing questions amidst an incoherent, herb-impaired haze. Fun! But she can't offer answers unless readers ask, so send us your most pressing questions (send to tips@jezebel.com with "Pot Psychology" in the subject header) and keep an eye out for her first column towards the end of next week.