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"Woman" Pens Un-Universal List Of Universal Female Fantasies

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The HZA.
01/17/09

In reply to "Woman" Pens Un-Universal List Of Universal Female Fantasies
I hate PDA. Like there would be times I would tell dudes, "can you not hug me in front of my family? It makes me uncomfortable."
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boxspelunker
01/16/09

In reply to "Woman" Pens Un-Universal List Of Universal Female Fantasies
Am I the only person who does not like dirty talk? It always sounds so contrived and stupid. "I LIKE YOUR HOT PEEN IN PLACES THAT PEENS GO."

This may also be because I only really use the correct anatomical terms. Except for the word "peen", which is not exactly sexy fun times.

Also, being called a whore or a bitch or a slut is not exciting to me, it's humiliating.
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scullymurphy
01/16/09

In reply to "Woman" Pens Un-Universal List Of Universal Female Fantasies
Was this written by Smoove B posing as a woman?
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TessDawgkatt
01/16/09

In reply to "Woman" Pens Un-Universal List Of Universal Female Fantasies
The last position suggested for number 18, the 69 while standing up... WTF?? I can't even... what?? That's seriously not suggesting the girl is hanging upside down, is it?
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Beat Girl
01/16/09

@TessDawgkatt: Yes. As often demonstrated by porn.

Clue: Ordinary people don't get paid to do this shit, so even when it looks exciting, it has to feel exciting too - not like my head is going to explode.
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sybann
01/16/09

In reply to "Woman" Pens Un-Universal List Of Universal Female Fantasies
The comments MADE this post. I envision readers of Men's Health all over the world with serious injuries.
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Remedios Varo can't see no huevos.
01/16/09

In reply to "Woman" Pens Un-Universal List Of Universal Female Fantasies
Many of my fantasies now involve women in tank tops, thanks to the blog Dorothy Surrenders.
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misspell
01/16/09

In reply to "Woman" Pens Un-Universal List Of Universal Female Fantasies
Yeesh. It's really the tone that this 'woman' used while writing this horrid piece that made me throw up in my mouth a little, like girl-next-door meets penthouse letters. For someone who's so uncomfortable with sex that she needs her boyfriend to get her all liquored up, she sure writes like a phone-sex operator.
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DangerMouse
01/16/09

In reply to "Woman" Pens Un-Universal List Of Universal Female Fantasies
"Reward me for folding your T-shirts and cleaning the drain by making one long night of sex all about me."

Okay, my fantasy: DO THOSE THINGS YOUR DAMN SELF.
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PilgrimSoul
01/16/09

In reply to "Woman" Pens Un-Universal List Of Universal Female Fantasies
This is seriously the most hilarious thread I've read on Jez in awhile. Kudos, ladies.
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Aesop's Foibles. YES.
01/16/09

In reply to "Woman" Pens Un-Universal List Of Universal Female Fantasies
#27.

Smack me about the face a few times for emphasis when you're talking to me. Poke my sternum with your finger a little. Nothing turns me (and all other women) on like a show of authority.

#28.

When I'm out with my friends, show up unexpectedly. Come up behind me, smile at my friends with your finger over your lips in a shushing gesture, and grab me by the hair and shove your tongue in my mouth. Then squeeze my breasts really hard while whispering "Be a good girl" menacingly in my ear. Then smile at my jealous friends and walk away whistling. SOO hot.

Hey, this is easy! Just think like Penis Danger trying to think like a woman!
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Cerridwen
01/16/09

In reply to "Woman" Pens Un-Universal List Of Universal Female Fantasies
I hate the idea that this is telling men "I won't communicate to you about what I want but it is ok for you to assume what I want, not ask my permission or get my consent and do it to me anyway."

Surprise sexy time can be great. Just the other day my boyfriend surprised me in the shower and it was fantastic. But this is only ok if you know your partner, are aware of their boundaries/comfort zone and are willing to respect them. It takes awareness and consideration. No two women are alike in what they like but you can be assured that pretty much every woman will not appreciate being coerced into anything.
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special_boots
01/16/09

In reply to "Woman" Pens Un-Universal List Of Universal Female Fantasies
I just like the phrase "eat me like an apple."

How painful does that sound??
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yvanehtnioj
01/16/09

@special_boots: CRUNCH!!
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Crabby Cakes
01/16/09

@yvanehtnioj: That comment made me clamp my legs shut and my teeth feel all weird now. Yikes!
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Cerridwen
01/16/09

@special_boots: Ow. I am literally eating an apple right now and reading that made my cross my legs a little tighter.

Somewhat more amusingly, this reminds me of my sister describing the worst "manual stimulation" she ever received by saying "It was like he was trying to pick a lock."
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hellosunshine
01/16/09

@yvanehtnioj: GAAAAAAAH! *crossing legs*
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SarahMC
01/16/09

In reply to "Woman" Pens Un-Universal List Of Universal Female Fantasies
The shower ambush sounds like a recipe for a hideously unsexy time. Yes, please do creep into the bathroom and scald my clit with hot water whilst I have soap all over my face. Sounds "hot."

Make sure you wait a couple days before you make your other suave move: Sneak outside in the middle of the night, climb to the top of the oak near my room and tap your fingers on the window by my bed. Wear a ski-mask; they really get me going.
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Crabby Cakes
01/16/09

@SarahMC: Use a crow-bar or machete to tap. It has a MUCH better effect.
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happysquid
01/16/09

@SarahMC: You just made me LOL...It made me think of this onion article: ""They are in a constant state of what aerospace scientists term 'mind-shattering terror,' frightened for their very lives," Russian mission director Vladimir Solovyov said. "And we have not even used the hull-mounted Alien puppet that taps on the window yet." [www.theonion.com]
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BorgQueen
01/16/09

In reply to "Woman" Pens Un-Universal List Of Universal Female Fantasies
#1 on the list of Universal Female Nightmares:

ANYTHING INVOLVING WILMER VALDOUCHERAMA

I think that is something we can all agree on, right ladies?
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Brigit
01/16/09

@BorgQueen: damn straight. He makes my downstairs lady sut herself down and go into hibernation.
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Brigit
01/16/09

@Brigit: shut, not sut (or slut), she would never be a slut for that douche.
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InCahoots
01/16/09

In reply to "Woman" Pens Un-Universal List Of Universal Female Fantasies
Strong stream of water to the clit? No, no, no thank you. Maybe I'm just hyper-sensitive, but having tried once it was not all that pleasant. And, as noted, if I'm squirming, get the FUCK off.
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morninggloria
01/16/09

@InCahoots: Exactly. Dear mans, do you like a direct strong stream of water to the cock? No? Well, imagine that your cock is very very small, but has even more nerve endings. Now imagine a strong stream of water directly on that.
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