OK, let's start off with this:

What the fuck is it? And why? And how? Unfortunately, Woman Alive never tells us.

One of the big themes of this book is weaving, whether it's with beads, paper, straw. The only thing I know about weaves is what I've learned from Tyra Banks, and this isn't anywhere near as fabulous. Also, bead weaving looks like a waste of time, energy, money, etc. Especially because you have to build your own fucking loom from scratch!

To make what? A bunch of crap that's gonna end up at the Salvation Army?

This woman is supposed to be modeling off a patchwork bag. But she looks so out of place. She should actually be bitchily painting her nails while Al Pacino watches TV from his sunken bathtub in their opulent bedroom.

Patchwork is just gross. I think I rank it up there with ric rac as one of the most detestable textiles in crafting. Further more, I've never come across an outfit like this…

…that didn't smell of hoagies trying to be masked by patchouli oil.

Now it's time for something called "quilling," which in the '70s, was experiencing some kind of revival. i don't know why, because all it is is a bunch of twirled pieces of paper glued to wood.

The one I liked the most, and can actually see myself doing and enjoying is colorful canvas work. They actually provided a great detailed chart with specific instructions.

I know I'm always saying that these books aren't made for women, but for extraterrestrials who want to understand humans. That was confirmed when I looked at the table of contents for this volume.

The book starts off with an introduction called "The Unchanging Child," and it features a bunch of images of children through the ages. This one of Madonna and child makes me very uncomfortable.

I guess I just didn't know that Jesus was born with genitalia so similar to Chyna Doll's.

Then there's this terrifying portrait of an argument for sterilization.

Clearly, his direct descendant is Seth Green.

This photo was part of a collage about children developing personalities. If you ask me, the dog is totally upstaging this kid and his boring toy.

He's got LOL material written all over him!

This photo was in the chapter about how precious and beautiful babies are. The caption reads: "Does anything renew your faith and hope in life as much as the endearing, appealing, heart-warming smile of your beloved baby?" I dunno. I wouldn't let that kid kiss me, what with that herpes sore chillin' by her lip.

I know that I say that herpes is whatevs and all, but up top is the only place where I don't have herpes, and I'm certainly not about to contract an STD unless the "S" is involved. Know what I'm sayin'?

And now it's time for our "Future Serial Killers of America" segment. Let's hurt animals!

And build dirty bombs!

And demonstrate an acquired taste for human brains!

And now it's time for our "Future Homosexuals of America" segment.

He's all, "You want me to wear that? Where's the wow factor here?"

This was perhaps the most helpful thing in the entire book. This is a proposed craft project to teach your children where babies come from.

So, apparently the origin of babies has something to do with a donkey with balls that poops out sperm tails. Hmm...An ass with balls that poops out sperm? Hey little boy, I have a decal with a "wow factor" for ya!

Earlier: Woman Alive: How To Decorate Without Going Broke
Woman Alive: The American Family In Trouble
Woman Alive: Food For Life, Love, And Looks
Woman Alive: Discover A Lovelier You

When I opened the cover and saw that the first image was this chick getting wasted and weirdly fucking around with her kitten and a pair of scissors while her man did all the grunt work, I knew this book had me at "What's happening?"

As I suspected, this volume of Woman Alive was a lot like the others in the series in that it doesn't give you that much practical information beyond "Have you heard about wallpaper!?" However, there was this chart, which explains everything you always wanted to know about carpeting, but never bothered to ask, since we all prefer hardwood floors these days.

Here's a bunch of weird, impractical furniture that doesn't even have a store credit so that you can go out and buy it, should you desire that Real World living experience.

This, however, I find incredibly practical for my lifestyle, since I work from home and never have to go anywhere. If I had a situation like this, I wouldn't even have to do my daily grind commute from my bed to my couch. I could just roll over.

Here are some more looks that the reader is never told how to achieve. I want to live in this second photo.

I'm not really into this room, but I'm totally digging the couple who lives in it. Look at them! They are getting loose. No shoes, no sobriety, no problem.

I never knew how into decorative doors I was until reading this book. The molding on all of these was glued on. There you go for a tip.

Earlier: Woman Alive: The American Family In Trouble
Woman Alive: Discover A Lovelier You
Woman Alive: Food For Life, Love, And Looks

See what I mean? Totally a book for aliens.

One of the chapters in the book is called "When Your Husband Loses His Job." Here's an excerpt:

A man's sense of identity is closely bound up with his job. His confidence stems in large measure from being able to do his work well, to hold his own with other men, and to provide adequately for his family. The loss of his job is a threat to his masculinity, a blow to his ego so powerful that it may have a physical as well as a mental effect on him.

The chapter offers advice on how women really need to be emotionally supportive, while not draining their finances on their "usual scotch and sirloin steaks, and having her weekly appointment at the beauty salon." And while there aren't any blatant tips of "Hey lady why don't you go get a job?" there is one sentence in caption that says, "Today, women, too, are taking direct action to secure better pay and working conditions."

The next chapter is called "Sons and Daughters" and this is the page of images that's used to open it:

I stared at it for a while and was like, "Whuuuuuuuuuut?" It kinda looks like that "one of these things is not like the other" thing from Sesame Street. It turns out that it's supposed to be examples of teenage rebellion, which makes it even more hilarious because that guy on the bottom right is already experiencing signs of male-pattern baldness, so it would seem that his parents fucked up raising him way long ago. Also, maybe this is a generational thing, but I don't remember doing any of those things as a way of acting out (certainly don't remember breastfeeding an infant in a room of naked hippies). My rebellion was limited to dying my hair pink, shoplifting from Claire's, using a lunchbox as a purse, and taking my parents' car for a joyride without asking (or having a license). Oh, and I guess I also dated a 27-year-old guy, so maybe that picture on the bottom right-hand corner makes a bit of sense now.

The rebellious acts of children that this chapter covers range from "trashing" (which apparently is '70s speak for "vandalism") and living in sin, like this couple:

Did men just age horribly back then or something? I totally thought it was her dad, but it turns out it's the guy she's shacking up with.

Another problem that arises with pain-in-the-ass kids?

Rallying in favor of abortion—now legalized but still a subject of controversy.

If this chick were my daughter, the only beef I'd have with her would be jealousy over how supremely awesome she is at making posters. She's protesting with a poster of a protester protesting with a poster!

This passage is for Sarah Palin:

If your daughter is pregnant, there is one thing that you and your husband must consider above all else: how your daughter feels, and what she wants to do. This is not as easy as it sounds. Your daughter is bound to be undergoing a great many conflicting emotions. She may be too distressed and confused to know what she wants, or her decision may not coincide with yours. If the boy says he wants to marry her, for example, you may breathe a sigh of relief. But is your daughter sure she wants this? Is she being pressured? Is he doing the "right" thing because it is expected of him? A hasty wedding may save everyone's face temporarily, but the chances are that a marriage made under pressure will not be successful.

Naturally, the chapter "Drugs and Your Child" has the coolest looking people. Sienna, is that you?

This quiz is from the chapter "The Drinking Problem," which evidently, we all have, since you're an alcoholic if you answer "yes" to 2 or more of these questions.

So what have I learned from this book? All the hairy bullshit stress in life stems from your husband or your ungrateful children. God, did my mom write this?

Earlier: Woman Alive: Food For Life, Love, And Looks
Woman Alive: Discover A Lovelier You

The rocket scientists at the BBC translate: "In other words, avoid wasting time on attractive individuals who appear unlikely to reciprocate." Wow. this stuff is revelatory. I suppose this study could be useful to The Rules type of girls still convinced that playing hard to get and pretending to be indifferent is the way to snag a man. But to the rest of us who actually enjoy assertiveness as opposed to manipulation, this research is perched in the back of the mental file cabinet we keep marked "No Shit."

Declaring Love Boosts Sex Appeal [BBC]
Scientists Deduce The Key To Finding Love: Declare It [Independent]

Earlier: Woman Alive: Food For Life, Love, And Looks
Author of The Rules Tricks Another Dude Into Marrying Her

Let's start with what the authors of this book consider a balanced diet. Notice how there's nothing green here at all.

When I got a colonic, the lady administering it (read: the lady in charge of my shit tube) listed stuff I should and should not be eating so that I could achieve regular, healthy bowel movements. Nine of the 12 edibles pictured above were on the "do not eat" list.

A lot of people who are lactose intolerant actually poop more when they eat dairy, but it just binds me something horrible so just looking at a picture like this, of a woman drinking a glass of whole milk (BTW, barf!) makes me feel all bloated.

Her outfit is awesome though.

I figured there would be lots diet tips amongst all the "healthy" talk, seeing as how this book is for women. I was right. According to this book, we're supposed to be reducing our calorie intake by the age of 15.

This picture was in the chapter "Dieting for Looks." She's supposed to be an example of someone looking to lose weight. Funny that there isn't a single mention of eating disorders.

Here's a chart of all the body types. I don't fit into any of these descriptions. However, I do tend to burn like that third chick.

I think this book had some kind of hidden agenda against the "health food industry" because it keeps trying to debunk the supposed benefits of organic food.

The whole health foods craze is beset with misnomers. Take the term "health food" itself. There is no scientifically based evidence to suggest that the so-called health foods are better for than other foods. The words "chemical" and "organic" are also commonly misused. To say that you want to eat food that contains no chemicals is a contradiction in terms, because all foods are chemical substances. Health food devotees often claim that their food is better because it's "organic." What they really mean is that it is grown on land enriched with fertilizers such as animal dung and garden compost. Almost all of our food is organic, simply because it is composed of organic chemicals. health foods are also often described as "pure foods." Does this mean that foods bought at ordinary stores are impure? Not necessarily. On the other hand, some so-called pure foods, although they may not contain any added chemicals, contain naturally occurring poisonous substances.

I'm no dietician, but that whole paragraph just stinks of bias and inaccuracy. The best though, is how much this book is into freezing things. They give you different ways to freeze and store strawberries:

That page should be called "Instructional Diabetes."

Lastly, this is supposed to be a page that shows vital, healthy women. For some reason, I find it totally disturbing and threatening.

Earlier: Woman Alive: Discover A Lovelier You

Beauty—today that one little world has as many facets as a diamond. it means fashion magazines, models, and movie stars. It means a thousand and one products and services, from cosmetics and the latest fashions, to hair stylists and figure experts. It even means controversy, at least to a few members of Women's Lib, who say that womanly beauty is overstressed. But the desire to be attractive is as natural and timeless as human nature itself. This book, then takes a fresh and happy approach to skin and hair care, make-up and clothes, diet and exercise. And, as a bonus, there's a chapter on the intriguing relationship between looks and self-image, and an in-depth report on cosmetic surgery.

The book starts out with a chapter called "Self-Image, The Key to Your Looks." This part made me laugh:

The desire to be beautiful—or at least without noticeable imperfections—seems to be as universal among women as the desire to succeed is among men....But should we want to be beautiful? We all know what the most militant members of Women's Lib feel on this score....Is there anything in what the militants say? NO, if what they really mean is that we should neglect our looks entirely, just let ourselves go, and devote our energies to self-expression.

It's funny 'cause it's true.

The caption for this picture read, "At the beginning, all of us experiment uncertainly with the paraphernalia of feminine adornment—and who can't remember the delight and excitement of staring into a mirror at a face that is clearly your own, but subtly changed by the unfamiliar magic of the lipstick."

And who can't remember the delight and excitement of realizing that "the lipstick" can somewhat distract people from your pronounced Amblyopia?

A lot of the information on how to make yourself seem "lovelier" seems really counterproductive. Case in point, this lady isn't exactly selling me on the benefits of highlighting:

And while we're on the topic of hair:

This was actually in the book as a "Do" not a "Don't" with the caption reading, "This hairpiece creates an elaborate coiffure for that special evening." What kind of evening? A black-tie cow milking? A night at the circus? Being Tyra Banks at panel?

I was actually disappointed that there weren't better, more exact makeup and hair tips. (Um, how could they not explain back combing, considering the era?) This was about as specific as they got, which seems to be an example of how to go from Woody Allen to RuPaul in 10 steps.

Back to counterproductive, these are facial exercises that are recommended:

That's like putting you on the fast track to Botoxville.

This is a color chart of some kind. I can't make heads or tails of it. Dark skin? Light skin? Wha!? Tell me what friggin' color I'm supposed to wear and in what season.

And lastly, I leave you with boob exercises: