Whatever you're planning to wear to your company Christmas party is nowhere near as good as this. A red suit is clearly what your life has been lacking. Don't like this one?

Try one like this instead.

Or this.

Or perhaps emerald green is more your thing.

It goes on like this for pages and pages and pages! After a while, you start wearing down — believing that, yes, what you need to be wearing is a fancy skirt suit and a hat.

An elegant black ensemble is probably what I'd choose. No word on whether it comes with Jeeves, to help you out of cars.

All-over floral worries me. And I am, admittedly, a magpie maximalist: I like sequins and flowers and rhinestones and doodads. But I fear that wearing something like this would make me look like the new Von Trapp nanny who's gotten into the curtains. Or wallpaper.

Statuesque posture, unshakable confidence: Required; not included.

Sometimes overtly "feminine" fashion — adorned with flower blooms or buds and other veiled vaginal references — can be delicate, demure… almost weak. This, for some reason, reads "strength." …And "vulva-esque."

Did I mention that Ashro has a wig section?

Man, I love that the wigs come in gray. That means that somewhere out there, some sassy grandma is wearing this sassy cut.

Asymmetrical even!

So, here's why I have the Ashro catalog: I once ordered a caftan. To blog from home in. Feels slightly more appropriate than pajamas when the UPS guy shows up.

I can't vouch for the "approrpriate-ness" of the other casual wear Ashro offers, however…

Ashro [Official Site]

Earlier: 19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky Mall
Dean & Deluca Thanksgiving: Mouth-Watering, Wallet-Emptying
All previous catalog posts

Here's a look at Kim's old wig. It didn't even match her bangs.


Did anyone else feel bad for Kandi at her engagement party? She and her fiancé, AJ (who has since passed away), received the shittiest toasts: one from a married man's mistress, one from a bitter divorcee, and one from her mother, who does not approve of the relationship.


How cute was NeNe through the years?

She actually watched that documentary and walked away from it thinking that child pageants were a good idea? And she was questioning her infant's mental abilities!? But this woman displayed a lot of questionable judgment, like fighting with her six-year-old over which one of them had more of a right to be cranky.


She also wanted to "throw an egg" at her daughter for giving a bad talent performance.


"Virgin American hair. We do get the hair from American teenagers here in America."


I imagine this man is the Jay Manuel of the child pageant world. He's a makeup artist who is getting high on his own supply…of foundation and gloss.


The best, though, was this girl, who wasn't even one of the featured contestants on the show. During her interview portion of the pageant, she was pretty honest about why she is there. (Hint: It has nothing to do with making friends.)

A Yale graduate...


A Gilbert and Sullivan enthusiast...


...a person who's seen the dark side of life and can appreciate the struggles of Jean Valjean...


An entertainer...


An intellectual...


A polyglot...


A sophisticate...


And, yes, a fellow devotee of the male skirt.

[Images via Getty]

But Kim shouldn't have been offended or surprised, considering that she claims that all of her friends want to be her. And for someone who lives her life in fake hair, and is starting a business based on it, why the hell doesn't she know weave tracks when she sees them?

1.) Models of the Runway
It's boring…and "dumb."

I love Heidi's reaction to them.

2.) Speaking of Dumb
Who the fuck forgets the words to "God Bless America"? Especially if it's your job to remember them.

3.) Gosselin Kids Promise Not To Murder Their Mother

4.) The Insider: "Michael Jackson…A Ladies Man?"

Did they mean like this?

5.) Anal Retentive
That OCD guy from that Bravo show doesn't allow his employees to poop in the office bathrooms, and if they do, and he finds out about it, he gets revenge.

6.) Anal Retentive, Part 2
On the TLC show Truth Be Told, people with who are obsessed with their pets were profiled. This woman swears she's "not a crazy pet owner," although she does admit to—and is filmed—wiping her dogs ass after she (the dog, not the owner) shits.

I wonder if this dog sleeps in her wig.

7.) Kim Sleeps in Her Wig

What would NeNe think?

8.) Everyone Thinks Spencer Pratt Is An Idiot

9.) Steven Seagal Is Working
Is anyone else as excited about Steven Seagal's new reality show as I am?

10.) My Sentiments, Exactly

I wish that NeNe and Lisa had gone as crazy on that bitch as they have on Kim in the past, because there was really no excuse for the things she said. Speaking of Kim, the "continued" portion of her fight with Sheree — wig pulling and all — turned out to be pretty boring, because they already showed all the good parts in the previews. But here it is anyway:

It's one thing for them to deny who said what about what person. It's another that they're denying that there is any truth to the "rumors" that NeNe rented her home and Sheree bounced checks. However, I think it's hilarious that they must obviously read the blogs—including this one—and that it's having such an impact on the storyline this season. The ladies ended up making a huge scene in the restaurant, screaming and shit, with Kim ultimately storming out, and Sheree chasing her, with NeNe comically trailing behind. It ended with a big "To be continiued…" and next week's episode should be awesome, as it will feature Sheree trying to pull Kim's wig off.

Earlier: 4 Out Of 5 Real Housewives Of Atlanta Are Actually Broke

In this clip, Kim talks about how her life has changed since last season. She's starting a wig line and recording her song, "Don't Be Tardy for the Party." Also, her relationship with Big Poppa is on the rocks. She also claims she didn't know he was rich when she met him.

The gentleman behind this posse of ladies is clearly intimidated by their matchy-matchy ensembles, which feature "wide ribbed texture." These pieces are made of Dacron™, Fortrel™, and poly-cotton blends. Props for the awesome Afro and the extremely patriotic vinyl shoes.

I love everything about this image, including the Angels & Demons Illuminati-esque red "beach shift," in oh-so-breathable acrylic/polyester knit. But the best part is that the "lobster" is an illustration that was added later. Even before Photoshop there was image tinkering!

Primary colors FTW!

First, I'm fairly sure that if you go to any crafty, hipstery part of town, you can find some version of each of these outfits. Second: Please note that red, white and blue were the colors of Spring 1972. Nixon was president and Watergate didn't break until mid-June, so everyone was all, USA! USA! Third, the red and white anchor pattern on the far right is the exact pattern of the curtains my parents had in their red and white Volkswagen minibus when I was a kid. True facts.

Maybe I am turning into a big old fuddy-duddy, but these swimsuits are so much more fun than the skimptastic ones in Lucky.

Seriously, look how cute. And you could actually swim without showing the fish an areola or pube.

More red, white & blue. Also: A Jumpsuit! Peeing involves removing a belt and shimmying a scoopneck neckline around your knees.

When they say "bazaar jeans," they mean "bizarre jeans," no?

Someone here thinks she is a Very Serious Model. Hint: The Brunette. She has Big Plans and they don't involve Sears, or "boy cut jeans."

She is working. This could be her big break! Yellow plaid pants be damned!

More super adorable swimwear, a steal at $6 per piece.

There she is again, on the far left. She's gonna be a star, dammit!

Um, I want the blue coat with the white trim. $22.97 seems like a good deal.

I used to have a "qiana" shirt I got at a vintage store. Did it have the "luxury of silk"? Well, it was silky, but it was POLYESTER. It was the hottest piece of clothing I ever owned. Just putting it on ensured that pit stains would appear under my arms. Why anyone would fabricate a long-sleeved dress out of that stuff is unfathomable. And $25 seems steep!

Fairly sure I saw this lady at the bank last week. As a teller. Same hair and outfit but 36 years older.

Hey! Is your Dacron, Qiana and polyester not really warm enough? Add a shawl! Not just any shawl, a Versa-Shawl. In "soft acrylic and nylon." Wearing near an open flame not recommended.

Knocked up? Don't worry, there's plenty of polyester for you, too.

Plus: Maternity girdles. "Gives you the support you need while you're pregnant." Would that be financial? Emotional? Oh, and re: the girdle with garters "For A First Pregnancy": I don't know what that means, but I don't know that I want to know.

You call them "Cover-Ups," I call them "the perfect blogging outfits." The UPS guy will see me as a lady of leisure and not just a slob!

The trussing on girdles like this always reminds me of meat. But this just isn't any old support: It's scientific.

Wow. Those wigs all get points for sheer vertical achievement.

My new all-chick punk band is called The Crushables. Starting now.

Just in time for summer: Workouts where you just stand there, or, better yet: Lie down.

Earlier: The Best & Worst Of 'International Male,' Summer 1986
The International Male 1986 Holiday Catalog: The Recockulous Jackpot!

Last April, Bret said that his hair is "combined of my [natural] hair and the finest extensions Europe has to offer. I do the show without [the bandanna] on all the time and they won't film me. They are like, 'Put your bandanna back on. It is your image.' It is my signature thing."

We did some investigating, and that shit doesn't look like extensions, but a straight-up wig — one that seems to be getting fuller, longer, and waxier as time goes by. Let's take a look at two decades worth of Bret's hair.

We know what he used to look like back in the day, when all he needed was some hairspray and a pick to get such volume.









But there has been a clear evolution in wig thickness just over the course of the three seasons of Rock of Love.
Season 1



Season 2



Season 3



It's now flowing.






This is probably the closest thing to his real hair, circa 2001.



And circa 2004.



These extensions from 2005 are very realistic.



But he quickly moved onto this look.



Which somehow turned into Fergie-with-a-goatee.



He has attempted to go sans bandanna a few times over the years, but the results are decidedly unfavorable.












This is our guess at what the true texture and thickness of his natural hair would be.

"Ageless Beauty"


"Flame"




"Enchanted Evening"




"Dynamite Diva"




"Black Majesty"




"Sunday's Best"

[Especially Yours]

Look, Saleisha got her first post ANTM gig, courtesy of The View:

JK, but Joanie, the runner up of Cycle 6 really did find work as a wig model, after ANTM.

This year, Barbara didn't stray from her normal 'do; that's very Ken circa Barbie and the Rockers.

And given that the other ladies on the panel are just as static with their styles, it's kinda awesome that we get to see Sherri's parade of wigs each week. In the spirit of the holidays, and the giving season, I'd like to give this to all of you. Happy Holidays!

But no matter: Many (mostly black) women are willing to pay the price. "The hair is so human looking and I can do lots of styles," says one wig-wearer. "It's awesome." Claims another, "I can put it in a ponytail and still feel professional... feminine." The wigs are sometimes made from synthetic strands, but most are often crafted from the hair of women in Asia. (That's America: Always outsourcing!) So: Wigs. Truly liberating, or just another way celebrities undermine everyone's self-esteem? And again, we must ask: Why does everyone want straight hair so badly?
Lace-front Wigs: The Glue-On Ideal [Philadelphia Inquirer]
Earlier: Why Is Straight Hair The Epitome Of 'Style'?
Related: Emmy Fug Carpet: Tyra Banks [GoFugYourself]