Jezebel 
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New York, 2:37 AM
Mon Nov 30
18 posts in the last 24 hours
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11/25/09
That should be "Teaching women and men that only one type of woman is beautiful". I think it's pretty difficult to simultaneously love your body, love the sensations its capable of producing and sharing that connection with another human being in the face of a lot of overwhelming seeming "evidence" that perhaps you aren't beautiful. We can't be at war with our bodies (and adult women trying to look like the body of 10 year old boys are nothing if not at war with themselves) and simultaneously fully experience pleasure.
As an older reader who is also a mother and divorcee--I have to concur with the notion that the "problem" of low libido in women is truly pegged (no pun intended) as a woman's problem as long as there is a man within a 40 foot radius who is capable of erection.
Rarely is this framed in the context of: what's the state of the relationship? Does the man know what he is doing? Is he, perhaps, insensitive or a jerk? (That brings up a whole other issue of "Honey why are you with him?" of course.)
I'm a hard working woman, I enjoy the rewards of the fruits of my labor, and the sweeter the fruit, the more labor I will put forth. So why should we assume I'm any different with sex?
In the context of a married life, with kids, men if you want sex know this: foreplay begins at 8AM. If you want nookie that night, you'd better start planning at 8AM. Keep it going all through the day. I know, I know it's draining and all--but just as much as you are visual, I am sensual. So give me something to sense.
11/25/09
I just never want to go any farther than just admiring. I am bothered by it only because I am afraid all my friends will leave me and I will be totally alone. I know part of why it is - being trans has its strange sexual pitfalls, since sex is often a very gendered experience, and usually involves genital contact. Lots of trans people are not comfortable with their genitals being touched, and I am one of them.
I don't know if it would change at all if I transitioned or not. But I do know that right now, I just don't give a fuck. I don't masturbate, I have no interest in it. I don't "get horny", I don't care, either. I don't want people armchair analyzing me. I don't need it.
I feel like any sexuality I do use is too performatory. I don't know how to be organically "sexy"; I don't feel it. I can't figure out a way to be sensual/attractive without relying on what the media tells me is attractive. I know that doesn't come naturally to me, but I don't know what does. It's like dancing - people just say to move your body however you like, but nothing ever comes to me. If I wait for inspiration, nothing happens. It's weird.
11/25/09
11/25/09
So yeah, no surprise.
11/26/09
11/25/09
I'm not saying that's the whole cause by any means, but I think we need to admit that female sexuality is not really encouraged or cultivated in this culture the way male sexuality is. people like talking about strippers and porn actresses or teenagers sending naked pictures, but when it comes to an ordinary-looking middle-aged woman's sexuality, the visibility goes away.
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Also, men's sexuality is just as unfairly represented in the media as women's. There are silly expectations for both sides, and the misinformation...unspeakable. And those Viagra and penis pills commercials shame them for lack of boner and size, respectively.
And! I thought all through high school that erection = aroused. Turns out, that isn't true. Also, did you know that men don't always want to have sex, all the time? And that lack of desire doesn't reflect their level of attraction to their mate? Hmm.
*rant* *sorry*
11/25/09
11/25/09
women are X^2... GIANT CHROMOSOMES so youre (women) are all over the place..
men are Xy, so we are simplier creatures... lookin at it from a genetic standpoint
11/25/09
"I am but mad north by northwest. When the wind is southerly, I know a hawk from a handsaw."
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no one implied that your genes make you crazy...
but whatever, ive been the minority of crowds in the past... opinions are often misconstrued, misinterpreted and disregarded when your 'the other'... thats fine
#tips
11/25/09
11/25/09
mmm-hmmm... and someone already said the couldnt get what i meant by that statement.. so i explained it.......
from a genetic stand point...
XX is more complicated than XY... so the (s0-s0) dichotomous relationship men and women have concerning sex COULD arguably be explained by genetics
you interpreted that as being crazy.. my apologies... only meant to illustrate that women are on a much broader spectrum...
but whatever....
11/25/09
Also, dismissing others experience, as you have done in all of this and have been called out for, does not help your argument. I don't say that my experience (having never found a sexual partner who matches my libido) is indicative of all men or illustrates an issue that men need to address, it illustrates my experience. Believing that because you've heard from men or your experience is that women have a lower sex drive this indicates that women on a whole have different sex drives than men is faulty. People often report sexual experiences that reflect what the cultural norms and expectations proscribe for them. Hell, even Kinsey came across this. There is too much variation in either gender to draw any overarching conclusion about biological determination when it comes to sexual desire. Men and women are probably more similar in these instances than we as a society will allow talk about. You can go on believing until the cows come home that women have different libido's than men, but that doesn't make your belief helpful or correct. Now I'm done and will give you no more fuel for your desire to tell us ladies how we feel and why we feel that way.
11/25/09
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11/25/09
Dosage compensation? Epigenetics? Lolwhut.
11/25/09
not discrediting what youre saying, but you took a statement which was more or less a joke and built a response on it...
ok...
#tips
11/25/09
whatever
#tips
11/25/09
hahaha... what i love about all this, is that this started with something small and exploded...
everyone here is obviously against me and not so much the statement anymore...
but as a biology major, you should be familiar with identical twins separated at birth, and the striking similarities found between them, even thou they have never met...
whatever, thats fine
so i get that you all are riled up that genetics is a determine factor in a person... ok... i take it back... genetics have nothing to do with a person/personality...
ok?
^_^
#tips
11/25/09
The purpose/function of SRY is testes production. Not increased sex drive, decreased domesticity, or whatever else is stereotypically attributed to men. Testes. Balls. Cojones.
Also, you have to consider that if you are talking about genetics, you can't really use generalizations. IE, you can't say "men in general do x," because ALL men are men because of one thing regularly (SRY). The fact that asexual men who are actually men exist shows that there isn't anything connected with being a male and sex drive.
11/25/09
@Mr.Gawn:
11/26/09
Comments like "so youre saying genetics have no factors to play in a persons development, psyche, mentality, personality? they are jus kinda there?" when that is obviously not what Nobodyr was saying clearly indicate an interest in provocation and being inflammatory, rather than listening, learning, and presenting your own coherent, well-supported opinions. Straw man argument and all that, etc., etc.
11/26/09
11/26/09
i feel like i have somehow offended people....
it was a small comment that was misinterpreted, but OH MY GOD this has already gotten outta hand, i think tryin to clarify only made it worst
ok, my apologies.... but i think everyone wants a victory and wants to point and 'gawk' at me... to the point where ive already ried compromising but its not even enough.
"how dare he suggest genetics..... yatta yatta yatta"
ok, my mistake....
Im sorry?
#tips
11/26/09
I mean, seriously...someone said orgasms are overrated? I have a serious problem with that. Orgasms are AWESOME. And while I think low libidos have a number of valid causes and are perfectly valid, part of me is like...but acting like this is a great and nifty outcome is problematic. It's like people who think nothing tastes as good as thin feels: they're entitled to their opinion and I'm not going to spend hours haranguing them, but...acting like there's something sinister or possibly ableist or anti-woman in being like, "but orgasms/cheddar grits are rad and you should have many of them if it's possible!" messes with me and I'm not quite sure why.
11/26/09
But when people talk about orgasms, it often comes off as if they think orgasmless sex is sad, or not worth it, or something.
I personally think orgasms are overrated. Sure, they're fun, but the effort it takes to get there isn't, and is not enjoyable, and I'd rather have supremely enjoyable sex- which for me, and many other women, means sex that doesn't include jumping through the hoops to get to an orgasm.
11/26/09
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Sex is important in life and in a relationship, but when a partner/female is COMPLETELY un-desiring of sex, or rarely desiring of sex, I think it leads to problems in the end. I dont think the article is trying to point the finger at girls with low sex drive (but I’m sure there are not lots of women now self diagnosing), but suggesting this MAY be a problem.
Have you seen Hes just not that into you.
Remember the Jennifer Connely and random guy relationship?
IMO
11/25/09
I haven't seen the movie, sorry.
#tips
11/25/09
good point, definitely not a sickness, nor a syndrome...
ive often wanted to get on anti-depressants to keep pace with my low GFs libido...
the comparison to males is prolly the main issue... youre right...
but to play Devils Advocate...
blah.. i got nothing
11/25/09
11/25/09
but am i coming off creepy?
i was gonna say that... if i remember what was here...
low sex drive/no sex drive COULD BE a symptom of else....
but i would agree the problem is putting a normal standard on women's sexuality when all you have to compare it to is a males sexuality in a machismo social construction...
but i dont remember the rest...
11/26/09
It isn't automatically a bad thing, but it puts people on edge, especially if they don't recognize your name and BAM there's 20 posts from you.
11/26/09
i was blocked for awhile, im not new to this..
"WHAT BLOCKED, HOW SHOCKING" right?, naaa, i dont even know what happened ... been commenting on gawker for about 1 year or 2
i love a good forum
#tips
11/25/09
Maybe I should be worried about that.
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I do have friends who don't masturbate at all.
11/26/09
I tried asking about in on the Talk Sex With Sue boards once, and the opinion was that possibly the full bladder was putting subtle pressure on the G-spot . . . but I still don't really know what's going on.
But I like it.
11/25/09
because by the time i find an article i like, read it, then go thru the comments, there is equivilant to a thesis of words to read....
but this is all interesting stuff...
i find that women would rather be loved than sexed.. but will "have" sex with someone they love to sorta lock them in, once the love sets in, the desire for sex dies down...
whereas men express love thru sex (in a relationship).....
i do find it weird for women to jus have no desire for sex... but i find it the same who are really shy/embarressed/ashamed of sex, their sexual desires, and their sexual organs (refer to their parts as down there, and other round about ways).. that combined with the added notion of every guy has been tryin to screw you since you hit puberty.. so i can see it being/disgusting by that point
maybe females should try female extenze
11/25/09
And the urge to express love through sex is one of the many reasons that a lack of desire is troubling.
11/25/09
some people are taught to feel like sex is dirty.... as a result they are only able to have sex with someone they dont care about, which would make since one date DR (i forget his name, i wanna say Straus or somethin) say women are only able to have sex once you kinda lower their confidence...
so if you feel dirty about something, your basically only able to do it with people you dont really like, as a result have no real desire...
at least thats how i think of it
#tips
11/25/09
I think this is particularly problematic because men seem less likely to admit things that upset the status quo. I've known women who have "used" men who wanted romantic relationships for sex (upsetting the guy) and I've known women who had much higher sex drives than their partners, but this doesn't seem to be information men share with each other. Obviously, I'm an outsider in this situation so my opinions may not be accurate, but I think they are factors.
11/25/09
but i am trying to keep up
and i make no claim to be a Dr, therapist, etc, but i think i do have a window into a women's psyche to a point... (i have a sex radio show, i feel more in tune with women than men, took several women's studies courses, even thought about minoring in women's studies, all another story for a different day)
and i was generalizing... i know people all over the spectrum, but i think if you averaged it out, yea...
clearly people are on both sides of the spectrum, but im thinkin in pie charts, and showing the biggest pie piece
#tips
11/25/09
I think your understanding of things is off. A lack of desire can be linked to negative feelings about sex itself, but that isn't the issue being discussed here. Many women who lack arousal are very open discussing sex, think nothing is wrong with it, and want to want it. Many women-- even women from religious households-- are taught that sex isn't wrong. (I, for one, was taught that it's a beautiful expression of love). And many women do use sex to express their love for their partner.
I'm not entirely clear on what you're trying to say-- you aren't really expressing yourself fully-- but from what I can tell, you're dead wrong.
11/25/09
my main point was...
Women that i know with low/no sex drive (GENRALLY SPEAKING) all have a couple traits in common..
1- very religious background
2- they find sex kinda 'nasty' (and often refer to it as doing the nasty)
now.... i realize this is not the only reason why women have low sex drive.. and that a low sex drive is not abnormal or uncommon...
i was mainly trying to articulate that sexuality, sexual growth, etc, is setup so that a lot of women grow up (in western culture) feelin 'uneasy' about their sexual organs... where as male sexuality is accepted and set as the standard...
and as soon as a girl hits about... 15, all males are basically trying to get into their pants anyway so i can see women being jus TURNED OFF by the whole thing
a some women have sex solely for the sake of making their partner happy, but some are fine without having it..
to me.. its not shocking to find women who have a low sex drive...
does this at all clarify or, no?
#tips
11/25/09
You don't get it, at all.
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2. "an immersion in physical sensation" is exactly what I need to get feeling sexytimes. Luckily my partner is the most tactile person I've ever met, and the way the media talks about men being "visual creatures" is how he is, but with touch.
3. This post is an example of how to write about women's sexual desire, and the potential lack there of, without implying that women have to live up to a certain expectation of sexual drive to be "normal" or "healthy."
Things like women who "feel distressed over the absence of desire" always makes me worry. On the one hand, since being in my current relationship I've experienced a serious dive in sex drive, which is now increasing due to going of BCP. The past year has been insanely frustrating because I have not wanted to have sex, and it was affecting my relationship for a while because it was affecting my state of mind, feelings of worthiness/being a good partner, and general lack of feeling connected to him in a way I was used to. He felt kind of rejected and was tending towards a low self-esteem and feeling like I wasn't attracted to him because we didn't have sex for a few months, which kind of just happened and before I knew it it had been 3 months since we had sex. (When we talked about it, these things went away and got better.) So, I hate my low sex drive and want it to go away.
But when I was a youngin', I wasn't interested in having sex the way everyone around me was, including the people I was pseudo-involved with. It was because I wasn't in a place where I was interested in sex, and it wasn't a problem. Except I thought it was, because I thought I was weird and being abnormal. But really I wasn't. And that was ok. And rather than feeling dissatisfied with my sex drive at the time, which is what I was, I should have been feeling ok with it and should have felt dissatisfied with the expectations of those around me (which affected my own expectations). So I hope that these researchers are making a difference between "I want to have more sex because I love sex and have noticed changes or am personally unsatisfied," and "My boyfriend wants to have sex more than I do and I want to make him happy so I wish I was more into sex when we have it even when I'm not that into it."
It's a fine line, and difficult in a world in which female sexual desire is constructed so differently from male desire.
11/25/09
11/25/09
Greta is in a same-sex relationship, and her and her partner schedule sex on a regular basis (but that doesn't mean they don't give in to spontaneous sex as well). It can be much harder when partners are experiencing different levels of libido, but in all things, compromise.
11/26/09