The Daily Mail says, "this child is bound to be a music lover." Well, that or Jack in the Box.


Aah! Embryo Mr. Met!!!



This baby will be one of those kids who claims all through elementary school that she wants to be a "marine biologist" and then gets to high school and realizes that doesn't mean "swimming with dolphins" and loses interest.


This child: the next Napoleon. Or Caesar. Or anyone basically who feels entitled to the entire world.


I know I want my child to be the infant version of a sponge on quaaludes. Actually, kinda cute. Or would be. On paper.


It's rare that you can work "navel-gazing" and "solipsistic" into into one description in such a literal way!


In case you thought she'd just had too much cake.


The five-clawed dragon was a symbol of the Chinese emperors. It's weird how it's trying to claw its way in.


This baby is incredibly traumatized right now, and if it wasn't already in the fetal position, would be.


As a Taurus, I object to the bull's portrayal as a stoned cow. But this baby is going to be all, "I'm good. Cartoons," and there's a lot to be said for that.



How's this for a belly laugh? The pregnant women who decorate their bumps with amazing artwork [Daily Mail]

There was even an entire New York Times article from a few years back where dudes talked about how freaked out they were watching their wives give birth. And so I ask you, kind Jezemoms and Dads: what happens to your sex life after you pop out a wee one? Please don't spare any gruesome details. We're big girls, we can take it.

From the Delivery Room to the Bedroom [Psychology Today]

Related: A Perilous Journey From Delivery Room to Bedroom [NYT]

The Ring Of Fire [Elle]

Earlier: What Should Jezebels Really Expect When They're Expecting
So, About That Harrowing Ring Of Fire Story

• Past Fashion: Easter outfits!!!
  
• Slut Machine returned from vacation and brought back some advice about buttcracks.
  
• You told us what happens to your buttcracks — and all your other lady bits — when you are with child. (Pssst: you pee your pants a lot)
  
• We learned about man parts too.

• Younger men have the best man parts!
• We bemoaned the stupidity of Bush's spokesjerk, Dana Perino.
• You know who else was a jerk this week? Dear Abby.
• Is Dear Abby a better writer than Tori Spelling? We bet Tori gives better advice.
• It looks like Renee Zellweger is on goofballs.
• Or maybe she just needs a good rogering with an unassuming household item.
• So take your magic coochies and put them to good use this weekend. You're worth it!

On boys vs. girls: "I had different effects with baking a boy and baking a girl. Girl-baking was clear skin, shiny hair, sunny disposition, big fat legs. Boy-baking was zitsville, shedding like a sheepdog, ultra hairy legs, belligerence, and horny as a goat. Plump Lara Croft style tits and cankles came with both packages." Bloat City, USA: "Nobody tells you that, after you give birth, you swell up practically double what you were before for about 3 days while all the excess water works its way out. Also, your hair will fall out, but not necessarily right away." Poop Patrol: "I'd read that when you're fully dilated, the feeling is similar to having to go to the bathroom. Well, with my first child, it wasn't similar. It felt exactly like I was going to shit my pants. Dumbass that I am, tried to SUCK IT BACK IN, because it was really bad timing and I'm a freak about shitting in places other than my home. Finally, I was like, "Um, nurse, I'm really sorry about this, but could you unhook me, I have to use the bathroom." Needless to say, it was my baby, not shit. " Care Bear Stare!: "I am pregnant right now and my stomach is covered in blonde furry hair. It's like I'm turning into a Care Bear." Afterbirth: "Something else not everyone realizes: after the baby comes, you have to deliver the placenta. " On Barf: "I threw up during labor. I also got extreme "morning sickness" from the second month until the seventh month. I threw up so much and so often that I began bleeding from the back of my throat every time I gagged. Oh and my insurance wouldn't cover the cost of the anti-nausea pills. It was the worst nine months of my life, but I'm happy with the end result. He's pretty rad. "

And now, for the most appalling imagery you will ever read on Jezebel: "Losing your mucous plug (or "bloody show") is incredibly gross, and can come out over the course of a day. Think handfuls of pink Chef Boyardee spaghetti." Good Christ: We'll never look at the Chef the same way again.

Pregnancy Makes Women Quicker, Smarter [The Australian]

Earlier: What Should Jezebels Really Expect When They're Expecting?

Recent news reports claim that women should expect giving birth to be incredibly hurty. They say that these days, "the gulf between a woman's expectations of what will happen during labour and the reality is now so wide that many need to be prepared for the worst." To this I ask, where are these women's mothers? My mother told me that when she was giving birth to me she begged for more drugs and kept yelling over and over again, "GET IT OUT!"

But besides the searing pain, what else should be known? Do you start emitting supernaturally powered farts? Does your hair get really shiny? Do you really start craving pickles? We want answers!

'What To Expect' Readies For A Rebirth [Publishers Weekly]
Women Should Be Warned That Childbirth REALLY Is Painful, Say Medical Researchers [Daily Mail]