• Last night, one of the four buses in Miley Cyrus' tour caravan swerved off the road in Virginia and crashed. The driver was killed, and one other person was injured.

• It's unclear if the driver died in the crash, or if he died at the wheel, causing the accident. Miley's personal bus was not involved in the accident and the concert they were heading to in North Carolina is still on. [TMZ, TMZ]
• This statement was posted on Miley Cyrus' website: "We are deeply saddened by the loss of Bill 'Uncle Bill' Douglas... Members of our tour are like members of our family. Our thoughts and prayers go out to his family in the midst of this tragedy. He will truly be missed." [People]
• A judge threw out a case filed by an Asian woman named Lucie Kim on behalf of Asian-Americans in L.A. against Miley Cyrus for making squinty eyes in a photo. [TMZ]
• Michael Lohan claims he has a contract that could be the "smoking gun" in TLC's case against Jon Gosselin. Lohan says it's a contract between himself, Gosselin, Mike Heller (the son of Jon's lawyer) and Hailey Glassman, which led to Jon being paid for outside appearances that violated his TLC deal, even though it's unsigned. [Radar Online]
• The good news: The final episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8 will air on Monday. Jon and Kate will take the kids on separate outings, and "individually, Jon and Kate reflect on what the past has meant and what the future might hold." The bad news: A TLC spokeswoman says, "We are focusing on the launch of Kate's new series in early spring." [Us]
• In yet another creditor's claim, against Michael Jackson's estate, a company called Video & Audio Center said it is owed $128,482 for installing the TV system at Neverland Ranch. [TMZ]
• Joel Madden says Nicole Richie is home resting after being hospitalized with pneumonia. "So I stepped off the plane after a month out of the country, and basically went straight to the hospital for the week," he wrote on his website. "But don't worry all is well and we are home with no problems." [People]
• Britney Spears' ex Adnan Ghalib has been sentenced to 45 days in jail and 36 months probation after pleading guilty to leaving the scene of an accident. [TMZ]
• Flight attendant Lisa Wilson is suing Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony because she claims their "personal protection dog" "growled and lunged at her," and "headbutted her leg and she fell and seriously injured her back." Wilson claims the dog was "obviously dangerous" and should have been sent to counseling. [Us]
• Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and Pete Wentz's son Bronx Mowgli turned one today. Ashlee Tweeted yesterday: "BX's 1st bday tomorrow!" she wrote. "My angel is going to be a year!! The greatest year of my life." Pete Tweeted: "Happy birthday bx. you dont have twitter and cant read this. Thanks to all my friends that recorded lullabies. cant believe its been a year." [Us]
• Lily Allen, who urged the British government to crack down on illegal file sharing, said in a radio interview, "If someone comes up with a burnt copy of my CD and offers it to you for £4 I haven't a problem with that as long as the person buying it places some kind of value on my music." [Daily Express]
• Carrie Prejean's brother Billy Arnone talked to Radar Online about her sex tapes and said, "If they were put in front of me I'd probably watch it." [Radar Online]
• In other sketchy family member news, Paris Hilton's mom revealed that her daughter wanted to get breast implants. Kathy Hilton said, "At one point [Paris] was like 'I wanna do this and that, I'm so flat!' but then all of a sudden she was like 'I love it. I don't care. I love it.' I'm proud of that; I think that's really nice." [Daily Express]
• Wesley Snipes' is appealing an "unreasonable" three-year prison sentence. He was convicted last year of failing to file his income tax returns for three years, but his lawyers argued today that he should have been granted a hearing to decide whether the trial should have been in New York instead of Florida. During the trial, Snipes explained that he's an idealistic artist "unschooled in the science of law and finance." [AP]
• The IRS issued a tax lien against Joe Francis for about $34,000,000 and now he's asking a judge to order the agency to unfreeze his money because he's on the brink of bankruptcy. [TMZ]
• Roman Polanski's lawyer says his client won't agree voluntarily to being extradited to the U.S. "We also maintain that Mr Polanski did not face a fair trial in Los Angeles," he said. "For all these reasons, among others, his position remains unchanged: he will not accept being extradited to the United States." [Reuters]
• On a radio show Rihanna said of her relationship with Chris Brown, "There are a lot of ... places that we've been to together, music, different things that come up that are reminders of your ex... When [his music] comes on the radio, I don't ... turn it off. I like his music... I've gotten over it, but there are definitely constant reminders ... songs that were our favorite songs, or hit songs." [People]
• Halle Berry, who has experienced domestic abuse herself, says of Rihanna, "Any time a woman frees herself from that kind of bondage and that kind of situation I'm proud." [Access Hollywood]
• Ha. In this video from four yeas ago Taylor Lautner says, "My dad says I can't date until I'm 28, but I'll have to negotiate that one down a little." [People]
• The Roman Catholic Church is bashing Twilight. A Vatican official said, "The theme of vampires in Twilight combines a mixture of excesses that as ever is aimed at young people and gives a heavy esoteric element. It is once again that age-old trick or ideal formula of using extremes to make an impact at the box office. This film is nothing more than a moral vacuum with a deviant message and as such should be of concern." [Contact Music]
• New Moon made $26.3 million during midnight showings at North American box offices last night, breaking the record set by Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. [Reuters]
• Susan Boyle said she was "shocked" when she lost America's Got Talent: "Sure, I mean, I am thrilled for Diversity; they deserved it. But I was working so hard, lost in the midst of all the excitement and yes, I felt the dream may be over after not picking up the winner's prize. Who would not?" [CBS News]
• Dave Navarro says he's a fan of his ex-wife Carmen Electra's girl-on-girl strip/sex tape. [TMZ]
• "You can't make music as a famous person," says John Mayer. "Famous people make really bad records – so I make music as a musician. I've read people say I was the shit, and I've read people say I am shit. I don't have to prove anything any more – all I have to do is play. Now my motivation is not so that people know my name, it's not so I can make money, it's not so I can meet girls – my motivation is to prove to people that you can buck the trend: that it's not an absolute that if you can be really successful, then you're gonna start sucking." [The Guardian]
• Yesterday, Rex Lee, who plays Lloyd on Entourage said crew members "occasionally" make fun of his ethnicity and homosexuality on set. The show's creator Doug Ellin says he's "shocked and horrified" and "will be speaking to everybody before we start filming again in March. It's not something condoned or acceptable." [TMZ]
• We can't handle any more Real Housewives drama, but if you want to know about the "infidelity, booze brawls, computer hacking," and physical threats" involved in new Orange County cast member Alexis Bellino's divorce read on: [Star]
• Derek Hough says his sister Julianne Hough broke up with Chuck Wicks because, "She's 21 years old and her career is skyrocketing right now and it's tough to sustain a relationship, especially with somebody who's so much older than her." [People]
• Ashley Jensen, who recently became a mother, said: "To be honest, I'm stumbling from day to day at the moment. Just getting to grips with feeding and not sleeping. It's all about routine, and it's very all-consuming. I had to feed him before I came out, which is why I was a little bit late, even though he wasn't really due a feed. And now I'm worried about whether my breasts are going to start lactating! You can't be away from him for too long. One thing it has given me is a real respect for womankind. Giving birth is amazing, and such a great leveller. It doesn't matter who you are – whether you're Mrs Beverly Hills with your Botox, or someone living in a caravan in Idaho. You both go through that." [The Independent]
• "I think for me the most satisfying thing is going out with my first headlining tour and having every show sell out. That was something that I never dreamed would be so quick to happen. Putting Madison Square Garden on sale and having it be sold out in 59 seconds. Like I can't believe that. I'm still completely blown away by that." — Taylor Swift [CNN]
• Eva Mendes says she was excited to work on Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, "Because Werner Herzog has been on my hit list for a while. I think he's a cinematic god and I think he's unparalleled. I think he's so prolific and he's such an iconoclast-you know, he's it. Working with him was a dream come true. I know that [Nicholas Cage] felt similarly. Obviously, I worked with Nic on Ghost Rider-a big popcorn movie-which is nothing like this. But I got to know Nic and the way he works and I really just like him as a person so I knew his personality and I thought, "Oh gosh, him and Werner Herzog together? They're going to kill it." [Maxim]
• Gayle King onOprah Winfrey ending her show: "I think that Oprah always makes the best decision for herself. I really do. And I have a feeling she will come up with some things to do. She has a very full life … We don't need to worry about her filling her time, I promise you that! Life is good for her." [People]

Wesley Snipes

Earvin "Magic" Johnson; Miko Brando

Martin Luther King III; Brooke Shields

Jennifer Hudson; Usher

Chris Brown

Mariah Carey

Joel Madden; Nicole Richie; Lionel Richie

Queen Latifah

Mickey Rooney

Smokey Robinson

Al Sharpton; Louis Farrakhan

Lionel Richie; Mike Tyson

Stevie Wonder

The Kardashian Klan

Corey Feldman

[Images via Getty.]

• Guess who is going to have to face her abuser and testify? Rihanna:

Prosecutors have subpoenaed the singer to appear in court in Chris Brown's assault case on June 22, and she is now legally required to answer questions about what happened. [People]

• Kanye West and Amber Rose may have broken up, but they are certainly still spending a lot of time together. Reunited and it feels so good? [Page Six]
• OMG: Judge Judy has beat Oprah as the highest rated show in daytime! It must have been the Comic Confrontations that pushed JJ over the edge. [Perez]
• After six months of bliss, Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt have split. [ET]
• This report claims that Paris dumped Doug, who later showed up at her house "distraught." [Perez]
• Paris Hilton's rep says they remain friends and please respect their privacy blah blah blah. We'll always have Cannes! [People]
• Britney Spears is gonna get $11,500 from ex-boyfriend Adnan Ghalib — to cover legal fees incurred by getting a restraining order against the photographer. [Radar Online]
• Meanwhile, Britney and K-Fed have reached a new custody agreement and Brit gets the kids more than 50% of the time while she is on tour. Progress! [TMZ]
• Click here for super-cute banter between Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock. Like this exchange on how fame changes you:
  Reynolds: Fame only amplifies a certain disposition.
  Bullock: I agree. Unless you're a child in the industry and that's all you know. That's a sad, sad thing.
  Reynolds: There's nothing worse than hearing a 6-year-old demand Voss water. I've seen it. [People]
• This was in Midweek Madness, but here it is again: Madonna will meet Jesus' family. And no, they are not named Mary and Joseph. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Speaking of all things holy, Madonna will hold two shows in Israel — September 1 and 2. [UPI]
• Katie Holmes has been attending dance studios in Hollywood lately. Why? She wants to make a special appearance on So You Think You Can Dance? [Perez]
• Hugh Hefner: "really happy" to learn that Kendra is pregnant. [People]
• Carrie Prejean claims that the Miss California USA people wanted her to do Playboy, but she wouldn't. They also wanted her to be on I'm A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here. Sigh. [TMZ]
• Contrary to the reports in all the weekly tabs, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz deny that their marriage is on the rocks. [Mirror]
• "Secrets" about the cast of Twilight include the fact that Kristen Stewart can play guitar, Robert Pattinson and Kristen have chemistry on screen and off, and Rob and Kristen both play guitar and sing. [People]
• Whoa, Joy Behar is getting her own show on HLN (formerly Headline News). It will aire at 9 p.m. and start in September, as a "topical and fun" talk show: "It's not going to be dry, I hope, because I'm crazy," Joy says. [NY Times]
• BMW: The exclusive sponsor of the season three premiere of Mad Men, which will be aired with limited commercial interruption. Exciting! Not that we can afford Beemers! But we can look at a picture of a cute one, and think about Don Draper. [Brandweek]
• Lost rumors: Someone who could be lying says Charlie (Dominic Monaghan) returns for 4 episodes, Clarie (Emily De Ravin [sic]) for full-season, Shannon (Maggie Grace) for 6 episodes. [Yahoo News Via E!]
• Matthew Fox on the Lost ending: "I think it is going to be very satisfying and cathartic and redemptive and beautiful. I've talked to [creator] Damon [Lindelof] pretty extensively and every time I talk to him it's sort of surprising how moving it is just to talk about it." [E!]
• Patricia Clarkson's flight from LAX to JFK got canceled and she promptly burst into tears. [Page Six]
• Oof: Hugh Grant kicked a paparazzo in the groin outside of restaurant in NYC Tuesday. [Gatecrasher via TMZ]
• Jamie Foxx says that the first time he did his stand up act at the Apollo, as soon as the audience heard he was from L.A., they started booing. Foxx considers this his favorite memory of the theater, though, so, good for him. [AP]
• Oh lord. Jeremy Piven's mercury poisoning saga lives on: Producers from Speed-The-Plow will be in arbitration this week. [Gothamist]
• Alex Rodriguez and Kate Hudson met through a real estate agent. Now? A-Rod is smitten: "He is so into her and doesn't even mind when his friends tease him about her." [Gatecrasher]
• Sophie Dahl is 5'11" and her fiancé Jamie Cullum is 5'4" and she says: "We happen to be two people who met, fell madly in love and will probably produce fairly average sized children, hopefully with his more elegant feet, not mine." And! "I find it weird [that people focus on our height difference] but when you're really happy you don't give a shit." [Daily Mail]
• Diane Lane will star in Secretariat, the Disney flick about the relationship between the 1973 Triple Crown-winning racehorse and his owner, Penny Chenery. [Variety]
• Blind item! "Which up-and-coming film star was smoking an alien substance out in the open at a recent NYC party?" [Gatecrasher]
• Q: What do you like most about your character? A: "There's nothing cool about her. It's fun to play someone who's well-intentioned but doesn't know the game. I enjoy competent but misguided characters. She's an open-faced sandwich, and because of that, she doesn't have anything savvy about her." — Amy Poehler, on Parks and Recreation. [Variety]
• "I am not one who has ever taken well to fame and what that attracts. It's a drag. I just wanted to be a songwriter and a singer. I did not bargain for all the rest of it." — Van Morrison says he would have abandoned his music career 40 years ago if one of his early albums had made him a superstar. [Reuters]
• "Wesley Snipes is a wonderful actor. Before the karate movies and stuff, when Wesley first got into the movies, he did drama and comedy. He's got all the talent. He does everything but he turned into the action dude. But James Brown isn't just singing and splits, you've got to chase the car and the crack heads. You've got to do the stunts. I'm too old to do the splits. They should make that movie with Wesley Snipes tomorrow." — Eddie Murphy may have played James Brown on SNL but wouldn't do it in a biopic. [Daily Express]
• "Being a 48-year-old rebel is not cool… I wouldn't describe myself as a shy person. I'm an introvert. I play extroverts on the screen, but I'm an introvert." — Eddie Murphy. [Mirror]
  
• "If I could interview Dolly every week, I would." — Morley Safer, 77, has no plans to retire from 60 Minutes and hearts Dolly Parton. And! He is not into bloggers: "I would trust a citizen journalist as much as I would trust a citizen surgeon." [Page Six]
• "I invented something that we tested out on-camera on Scientific American Frontiers. It was a device I had figured out to eliminate red-eye, if you attached it to any camera. So we made it, and it worked. I was really excited. It's the first time one of my inventions was tested and worked! I gave it to posterity, though." — Alan Alda, who loves science and has been the host of PBS series Scientific American Frontiers for the last decade. [NY Mag]
• "I talk to Lorne [Michaels] a lot, and he knows where my heart is. And he knows he's got a real hold on me. And he knows my weakness. I always tell him, 'I'm an addict. I'm an SNL addict.' And I will use again. Oh, I will." — Maya Rudolph, on returning to SNL for guest spots after leaving the show in 2007. [Yahoo News via AP]
• "The Obama administration came out and said the No. 1 chemical problem in the world is mercury…there will be a lot of documentaries coming out showing what happens when you have too much mercury in your system." — Jeremy Piven. [Page Six]
• "Poor Rob is already a Beatle. His whole life is documented. If he picks his nose, it's all over the Internet. He's just done for. I think he's kinda freakin' out, like, ‘What the fuck is going on?'" — Robert Pattinson's New Moon costar Ashley Greene. [MSNBC]
• "I'm always really worried about ruining their lives, especially with people that aren't famous. it's such a massive change. I'm kind of a paranoid wreck." — Robert Pattinson, on dating. [MSNBC]
• "It's very tempting to have a nanny and live in a gated community and have a chef – I'd love to have a few dinners cooked for me. But I don't want that for my children." — Kate Winslet doesn't need help, okay?!?! [Telegraph]
• "I love seeing my name on a woman's butt. Ladies, if you want to impress me when you meet me, I need to see my name on your right cheek. Girls have had tattoos of my face. One girl went and got her ass tattooed on her right arm… It's important to keep things tasteful." — Tyrese, whom I have interviewed and found to be as charming as this quote. [Page Six]

• Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony had trouble getting into the Neighborhood Ball last night, because they were late. You gotta get there before the President! [Page Six]

• An aside: Was Jennifer Lopez seen sneaking out of the Scientology Center in L.A.? Even though her dad and her friend Leah Remini are Scientologists, J. Lo has always said she's not into it. [Gatecrasher]
• Whoa, the American Music Ball was canceled hours before it started. Performers George Clinton, Ben Vereen and Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes had to go to the Heroes Ball instead. [Page Six]
• Susan Sarandon got a Politico blogger kicked out of a Creative Coalition brunch in D.C. What did the blogger do? Ask Sarandon if she'd say a word or two about Obama's speech. [Politico]
• Here's how Kerry Washington watched Barack Obama's swearing-in yesterday: "I dressed as if going for skiing. I had many layers — tights, jeans, thermal underwear," she says. "We stood in line for the hours everyone else did. I had a seated ticket to the swearing-in, but I gave up my seat and went up to the front area and kneeled." [USA Today]
• By the by, a new musical called Obama On My Mind opens in March in London. No, really. [People]
• Get ready: Thursday morning, Forest Whitaker will announce this year's Academy Award nominations. Then the Oscars will air live on February 22. [People]
• Presenters at the SAG Awards include Christina Applegate, Kyra Sedgwick, Jon Hamm, John Krasinski, Angela Bassett and Eric McCormack. The event takes place Sunday night at 8 p.m. and will be simulcast on TBS and TNT. [Variety]
• Date alert! Renée Zellweger was spotted having dinner with MSNBC legal correspondent Dan Abrams. [Page Six]
• Amy Winehouse is a heroine! Not on heroin, but a lifesaver: A tourist was having a sailing lesson in the Caribbean when she was thrown out of the boat by a big wave. The woman landed on some rocks and Amy dashed to her side, keeping her from being swept back into the sea. [The Sun]
• Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger, the pilot who saved Flight 1549, was seen dining on bird (chicken) at a D.C. restaurant called Hudson last night. [TMZ]
• Joaquin Phoenix threw a fit when Casey Affleck and the documentary crew arrived late to his rap performance in Las Vegas. "Thanks for fucking everything up," Phoenix yelled before throwing a CD on the floor. A source says: "Nobody can tell if he is for real or if this is all a big joke." Sorta hoping it's a joke. [Page Six]
• Oh God: When he was performing in Vegas, Joaquin Phoenix's pants had a massive hole in the crotch. "It was hard for anyone to focus on his singing," laughed one witness. "The worst was that the hole was at eye [level] for most of the crowd." [Gatecrasher]
• Sean Penn's been criticized for meeting with people like Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro, but his publicist says: "Sean is a champion of civil rights." [Perez]
• A California appeals court has put the Roman Polanski case on hold. [Reuters]
• A month after his brother died of a gunshot wound, Mark Ruffalo is back at work, directing and starring in Sympathy For Delicious, a flick about a paralyzed DJ who seeks out the world of faith healing. [Yahoo News via E!]
• Kristen Stewart is at Sundance plugging a new flick, Adventureland, but she reluctantly spoke about the Twilight sequel, sorta. Click for "um, like" video. [E!]
• Kevin Federline's new girlfriend "played mommy" when she and K-Fed took Sean Preston and Jayden James out to dinner over the weekend. [TMZ]
• Jude Law was wearing a neck brace after "tweaking" his neck while working out, but you can relax, he's fine. [Page Six]
• Danny Boyle is in Mumbai, defending Slumdog Millionaire: "The thing that I wanted people to take away from the film was ... this breathtaking, breathtaking resilience of people and the joy of people despite their circumstances, that lust for life," he says. "What we tried to do in the film was include as much of the city as possible." This paper notes that half of the city's 17 million people are homeless. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Blind item! "Which married morning-show producer rumored to be having an affair with a married on-air colleague was 'fidgeting incessantly' during inauguration weekend parties with her recently ringless ring finger?" [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which supermodel had to have an uber-rocker’s teeth marks photoshopped off her bared bottom after her magazine photo shoot?" [Gatecrasher]
• Simon Cowell has fired Britain's Got Talent judge Kelly Brook after just six days on the job. Guess she didn't "bring the crazy," which is what a "judge" has to do these days. [Perez]
• Paul Giamatti plays himself in a Sundance flick called Cold Souls and says: "I kind of forgot that I was playing myself in this... I kind of felt that [director Sophie Bart] captured, in a funny way, an archetypal type of neurotic New York self-involved actor." [ONTD]
• Star Jones and chef Herb Wilson: It's on. [Perez]
• Ralph Macchio is not happy about the Karate Kid remake Will and Jayden Smith are plotting. Macchio says: "From my personal view, filling the void of what Mr. Miyagi was - and the magic of that character - is going to be the toughest task. I don't know where the romantic story-arc goes [with Jayden Smith] at that age." [Perez]
• Alyssa Milano has received a restraining order against a man who has "increasingly" harassed and stalked her. [ET]
• James Taylor wore a hat and sunglasses during his performance at the Lincoln Memorial on Sunday because he either "fell during rehearsal" (official story) or had some sort of fisticuffs with a "wooden parrot in his hotel room" (unofficial story). Either way, he got 50 stitches in his forehead. Stupid parrot. [Page Six]
• Wesley Snipes has a pending three-year jail sentence for tax evasion, but has been loading up on tax-free swag at Sundance. [Page Six]
• "If someone rapes a girl he should be bent over and the same thing done to him. I’m sorry that’s just the way I feel. I’m very strict. If someone is done for drink-driving they should have their licence taken away for life. And if someone steals they should have to wear a dye on their skin, like a tattoo on their ear or somewhere it can be seen – like across their face! That would stop people stealing." — Katie "Jordan" Price. [The Sun]
• "I really know how to think. If I decide to make a coat red in the show, it's not just red. I think: is it communist red? Is it cherry cordial? Is it ruby red? Or is it apple red? Or the big red balloon red? I mean there's like so many fucking different kinds of red. And so you have to say, well, what are we trying to say in this scene? Is it a happy red? Or a sad red? Is it a lace red? Or a leather red? Or a wool red? It's like there are so many components to making a show and making art… I strive to be a female Warhol. I want to make films and music, do photography and paint one day, maybe. Make fashion. Make big museum art installations. I would be a bit more mixed-media than him probably - combining mixed media and imagery and doing more of a kind of a weird pop-art piece." — Lady GaGa. [Guardian]
• "I wanted to reach out and let you know that due to scheduling conflicts with certain cast members and location/weather considerations, we had to wait until now to shoot a couple of scenes. Please rest assured that Wolverine will be badass and hopefully meet all of your expectations." — Hugh Jackman. [Page Six]
• "It's intense, and there are no weights involved. And some of it's like girly stuff, like just kicking your leg, but it’s muscles you don’t really ever work at. Men don’t usually go to the gym and say, 'I’m going to develop my ass. This’ll be the J.Lo workout.'" — 50 Cent, on his fitness regimen. [Gatecrasher]
• "His attitude in the play is, 'Hey, I'm pretty kickass. Sure, I made some mistakes, but any president does, and, for the most part, I did a good job.'" — Will Ferrell on playing Dubya in You're Welcome America. A Final Night With George W. Bush. [Village Voice]

Ratings are out of a possible five bulbs of garlic.

Bill Compton, True Blood. While he's rather morose and generally humorless, at least he has fangs and doesn't glitter in the sunlight.
Rating: Three garlic bulbs

Claudia, Interview With The Vampire.
Forget Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt: The creepiest bloodsucker in the adaptation of the Anne Rice book was Kirsten Dunst's child monster, all curly hair and demon thoughts. Remember when she brought home the twins for Lestat, and they were poisoned? Evil!
Rating: Three garlic bulbs

Eli, Let The Right One In. You want awkward tweenage love story? You want blood? This Swedish art film delivers, beautifully. Eli is the mysterious girl-next-door; Oskar's a bullied kid who could use someone in his corner. This large-eyed little vamp is simultaneously sweet and unsettlingly menacing. (Check out the trailer here.)
Rating: Four garlic bulbs

David, The Lost Boys. Keifer Sutherland makes it look so cool. He's got chicks, a posse, and a cave hangout. He may or may not make you eat worms and drink blood — but that's the price you pay for hanging with the right crowd! Look, that's Bill, from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure on the far right! See how connected these vamps are?
Rating: Five garlic bulbs

Blade. So maybe he's half vampire. But Wesley Snipes was a badass VOC (that's vampire of color) with a Buddhist outlook, sharp weapons and the advantage of being a daywalker.
Rating: Three garlic bulbs

Selene, Underworld. Since she and her vamp vicious circle were so busy hunting werewolves, they weren't much of a threat to humans, and therefore not very scary. Kick ass and gorgeous, but not scary.
Rating: Two garlic bulbs

Spike, Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Many BTVS fans worshipped Angel, Buffy's brooding first love, but Spike, the devilish, quippy, smart-ass, black nail polish-wearing vamp who once said, "I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it," was actually the better character. Part Billy Idol, part Bowie, part rabid dog, Spike's cuckoo mate, Drusilla, once asked him, "Do you love my insides? The parts you can’t see?" Answered Spike: "Eyeballs to entrails, my sweet!" This is how a vampire thinks: He loves you so much he may dine on you. We never quiet get that from Edward Cullen.
Rating: Four garlic bulbs

Special mentions: Laddie from The Lost Boys, The Count, Dracula, and, of course, Blacula.
Update/Addendum:

Box Office Report: 'Twilight' Sinks Its Teeth Into A Blockbuster Debut [EW]
Why Do We Love Vampires? [iVillage]
Earlier: Twilight At Midnight: Smells Like Teen Spirit
I Was A Teenage Trend-Hater: Despising Twilight Is Big For Fall
Twilight: "Questionable Casting, Wooden Acting, Laughable Dialogue And Truly Awful Makeup"
Breaking Dawn: What To Expect When You're Expecting... A Vampire

(All photos via Bauer-Griffin.)

• So. Fergie has recorded the theme song for the Sex And The City Movie and it is fucking insane. Seriously. It's a fast-paced track that uses the original instrumental music from the show, with Fergie sing-rapping lyrics like: "Shopping for labels, shopping for love... Manolo and Louis is all I'm thinking of... Emotional baggage just replace them with Dior... Let's stop chasing the boys and shop some more..." It does not appear to be a joke. You can listen to the nauseating ditty here. Just a warning: You may puke or cry or both. [People]
  
• Heidi Montag won't be at the White House Correspondents dinner because Spencer Pratt got involved and demanded first-class tickets for both of them — even though he wasn't invited. When he was denied, Spencer canceled Heidi's appearance because the event "wasn't A-listy enough." Meanwhile, Pamela Anderson, Ashlee Simpson, Pete Wentz, Hayden Panettierre, Claire Danes, Rob Lowe and Donatella Versace will all be there. Aren't you proud to be an American? [Page Six]
  
• When Ellen DeGeneres asked Ashlee Simpson,"Are you or are you not pregnant?" Ashlee said: "Well, that has been going on for quite a while. That is something that I choose personally not to discuss." In other words, yes. [People]
  
• Colin Firth and Helen Hunt were shooting an intimate scene together when someone farted. [The Sun]
  
• Amy Winehouse got drunk and tried to headbutt some dude. [Mirror]

• She also maybe punched someone else and also "snogged a mystery fella" before walking into a lamppost. [The Sun]
• Jennifer Lopez will co-executive produce, co-create and star in a TLC "docu-series" aka reality show, about how she juggles a career (including launching a new fragrance) and motherhood. Hmm, maybe with vaults of cash and lots of servants? [People]
• Also signing a deal with TLC for "unscripted" shows: Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos. [Perez Hilton]
• Star Jones filed for divorce from Al Reynolds back in March, and she's now released a statement: "Several years ago I made an error in judgment by inviting the media into the most intimate area of my life. A month ago I filed for divorce. The dissolution of a marriage is a difficult time in anyone's life that requires privacy with one's thoughts. I have committed myself to handling this situation with dignity and grace and look forward to emerging from this period as a stronger and wiser woman." What she means is: "He's gay." [Concrete Loop]
• Gisele Bundchen and Sylvester Stallone: Filming a Volkswagen commercial for Brazil? [Page Six]
• Caliente blind item! "Which gorgeous Latina actress is said to have a Sapphic relationship with her hair stylist?" [Gatecrasher]
• Wesley Snipes has asked some of his famous pals to write letters to the judge who is sentencing him for fraud. His character references include Denzel Washington and Woody Harrelson. Snipes could get three years in prison — he's set to be sentenced today. [TMZ]
• Jamie-Lynn Sigler and boyfriend Scott Sartiano: Dunzo. [People]
• Snoop Dogg is no longer banned from Britain! Huzzah! [Guardian]
• Sir Paul McCartney is £100 million richer than he claimed in his divorce hearing. When you have a lot of money, it's easy to forget about a £100 million here and there. [Telegraph]
• Anna Nicole Smith's mother is suing Anna's lawyer (Howard K. Stern) and TMZ, claiming she was defamed. Doesn't she know they defame everyone? [Reuters]
• Paris Hilton is banned from the Hyatt in Moscow for allegedly writing her name on the wall in her room with a black marker. "Miss Hilton ruined the wallpaper in the luxury suite. In such a case the client automatically goes on the black list," says a spokesperson. She shoulda stayed at the Hilton. [UPI]
• Alicia Keys has canceled two shows because of swollen vocal cords. [Reuters]
• Yes, yes, the rumors are true, one of the Gossip Girl characters is gay, and it's Eric van der Woodsen. [LA Times]
• Joe Simpson is the third wheel in Jessica and Tony Romo's relationship, gross. [MSNBC]
• Orlando Brown of That's So Raven was missing for 24 hours but has returned, saying he "felt a little lost and needed to get away." [People]
• The wife of Billy Blanks, creator of Tae Bo, has filed for divorce.They've been married since 1974, which is inspiring/depressing. [TMZ]
• Paramount Pictures is suing Don Cornelius, host of Soul Train. Something about $290,000 in debt. Back in the day, Soul Train was the shit, huh? [TMZ]
• Director Stephen Daldry is talking about bringing his 2002 film The Hours to Broadway — possibly as an opera. Yeah, hmmm. Ponder that for a minute. [Gatecrasher]
• Carrie Underwood has been cheated on once or twice but doesn't recommend property damage like her song says. [People]
• Imprisoned Pete Doherty is "surprisingly chipper." [Mirror]
• OMG is Amy Poehler pregnant??? [ONTD]

MEGAN: Happy Monday crappy hour!
MOE: I'm not sure what happened just then but I'm grumpy.
Did you see Hillary on MTP?
MEGAN: Bits and pieces after the fact. I might've been out a little late on Saturday night.
Are you referring to the part where she blames Obama for promoting her recent statement, which she claims was misunderstood, that it "took a President" to give African-Americans their civil rights?
MOE: Uh no I just saw a little of it. I Tivoed it meaning to watch it and then didn't, because, well, Top This Party: Orange County was on. But uh, I feel like if it had been important for me to watch it I would know that by now? I'm pretty sure the most important Hillary Headline of the day is: Hillary: well duh, she's a Scorpio.
MEGAN: Well, as a fellow Scorpio, I hope this puts to rest all the rumors that she has a sexless marriage.
MOE: And you're in such good company: " After all, it was in the stars: she is a Scorpio and Scorpio rules the instinct for survival. Scorpio also rules cockroaches. Did you ever try to spray or drown them? They can hold their breath and play dead until you walk out of the kitchen and turn out the light. Then they scurry away, laughing. "
MEGAN: Actually, my favorite quote may have to be: "Scorpios do lack subtlety when they have a goal. They get fixated. They zero in. Hillary can't help it. She's an assertive female. (That's why Bill married her. He likes to get slapped around once in a while.)"
MOE: Oh man, so Barack and Bill are both Leos? Interesting.
And Michelle turns out to be a Capricorn. Hmmm. But she's almost cuspy.
Okay.
Oh man, Bob Johnson of B.E.T.
MEGAN: Hillary needs to stop letting people talk about Obama's drug use, because it always backfires.
MOE: I love how he was all "How DARE you all misconstrue my statement??"

"And to me, as an African-American, I am frankly insulted that the Obama campaign would imply that we are so stupid that we would think Hillary and Bill Clinton, who have been deeply and emotionally involved in black issues since Barack Obama was doing something in the neighborhood - and I won't say what he was doing, but he said it in the book - when they have been involved."

• As reported late Friday, Nicole Richie gave birth to her baby on January 11, a daughter she named Harlow Winter Kate Madden. (6 lbs., 7oz.) Ooh, pretty name! Er, names, that is. [People]
  
• And the next day, just down the hall in Cedars Sinai's maternity ward, Christina Aguilera gave birth to a baby boy, Max Liron Bratman, (6 lbs. 2 oz.) on Saturday. Seventeen years from now, will Max and Harlow be dating? [TMZ]
  
• Britney Spears and new boyfriend Adnan Ghalib went shopping over the weekend and Ghalib got into a "shoving match" with the paparazzi. Dude, don't forget where you came from! [Page Six]
  
• Um, while Brit and her man were car shopping, she was wearing her old wedding dress. [People]
  
• Did Britney pay for Adnan's new Mercedes SUV? [PopDirt]

• Britney's due in court today, and Commissioner Scott Gordon is definitely going to want to know what was up with the kerfluffle at her house that crazy Thursday. But will she even show up? [TMZ]
• She has been "strongly advised" to attend the hearing. Obviously. [People]
• A source says Britney's boys are doing "fantastic" in the sole custody of Kevin Federline and aren't asking for their mom at all, sob. [PageSix.com]
• Staffers at the Mexican hotel Britney stayed in on Wednesday say Britney appeared to be "high" while there. She sat all alone at the bar singing the words to "Toxic" to herself. Maybe she felt like she was in a video? [The Sun]
• Sources say Adnan and Britney may get married. But wouldn't he have to get divorced first? [Mirror]
• Is Val Kilmer dating Chad Lowe's girlfriend? Do you care? [Page Six]
• "It's great to see an exotic face in sci-fi. Little girls who look like me — or who are Arab, Filipina, whatever — are going to go, 'Oh, my God, we can be in space, too!" — Zoe Saldana, who plays Lt. Uhura in the upcoming Star Trek movie. [Page Six]
• Will Lipstick Jungle be way better than Cashmere Mafia? Sources say CM's Lucy Liu has a "lack of friendliness" whereas LJ's Brooke Shields "laughs out loud constantly." Hmm, could one of those "sources" be Candace Bushnell? [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which candidate's daughter recently went on a date with an ardent Ron Paul supporter? "The date became all about him trying to convince her about Paul," laughs a friend. 'Finally, she said, "You know my dad's running for President. You're not going to change my mind!"?'" [Gatecrasher]
• Will the writers' strike derail the Grammys? Survey says: Maybe. [Rush & Molloy]
• Bjork landed in New Zealand and a member of her entourage asked that no pictures be taken at the airport. A photographer snapped a couple of shots, so Bjork ran up on the guy and tore his T-shirt. Human behavior! [TMZ]
• A new report names Mary J. Blige, 50 Cent and Timbaland among the stars who may have received or used performance-enhancing drugs. Mary on steroids? Thought she was just fine! [Editor & Publisher]
• So you know how Brad Pitt let Pax "drive" a couple of weeks ago? He also let him ride in a cherry picker at the construction site. Sources are saying that Brad put the kid in danger and Pax should have been wearing a helmet, seatbelt, safety harness, etc. [MSNBC]
• Dame Edna (Australian comic Barry Humphries) has been ordered to rest for six months after complications from appendix surgery. The 73-year-old Humphries was forced to cancel a North American tour. Get well soon! [Reuters]
• The Harvard Lampoon is giving Paris Hilton the "Woman Of The Year" award in a large public ceremony in the middle of Harvard Square. Is this the closest Paris will ever get to Harvard? And does she realize it's kind of a joke? [PR Newswire]
• Oscar-winning screenwriter Roger Avary — he penned Pulp Fiction — was arrested on suspicion of manslaughter and DUI after he crashed his car, injuring his wife and killing a man. Hate to say it, but it sounds like a plot twist from the flick. [USA Today]
• Malia Nurmi, known as Vampira, has died at the age of 86. RIP. [BoingBoing]
• Vivica A. Fox claims her rumored sex tape does not exist. "If you see me having a love scene, it's going to be choreographed in a movie, and be fabulous," she says. [People]
• Yes, Lauren Conrad has left Teen Vogue but she was not fired. "I was kind of done," she explains. Meanwhile she says she's "looking" for a new job. And will return to The Hills for another season. [People]
• In old-school Hollywood news, Richard Burton slept with Marilyn Monroe, a new book claims. Yeah, not surprising. At all. [Telegraph]
• Wesley Snipes will go on trial today over the fact that he didn't pay taxes from 1994 to 2004, despite earning about $38 million. He says he is not guilty and acted on the advice of tax professionals. Good luck! [NY Times]
• One of Kid Rock's friends dropped a $200,000 watch at a restaurant; Kid gave the busboy who found it $1,000 in cash. Who knew that KR had cash to throw around? [Page Six]

• Jessica Alba says, "It's the best time ever. I have two movies coming out, a baby, a fiancé - everything." She also claims her ass is "getting bigger by the second." Is anyone else vaguely annoyed? Maybe it's her name. [People]
  
• Britney Spears and paparazzo Adnan Ghalib checked into the Rosarito Beach Hotel just south of the border in Mexico on Wednesday. They shopped; Brit bought a knockoff Gucci purse and Adnan purchased a rosary. His photo agency says they are "happily dating." [People]
  
• Oh! Britney and Adnan are back in L.A. That was quick! Please God don't let them have gotten married in Mexico? Kthxbai. [TMZ]
  
• Meanwhile, cops found a bite mark and bruises on Britney's son, Jayden James. Federline's bodyguard says the injuries were there before JJ ever got to Britney's house and the bite was from his older brother, Sean Preston, of course. Anyway, a learning-to-walk 1-year-old without bruises would be weird. [Us Magazine]

• barak [sic] obama is an empty suit selling 'hope' in lieu of Truth... Oprah, you are a closeted republican and chose Barak [sic] Obama because you do not like other women who actually stand for something to working American Women besides glamour, angels, hollywood and dieting!" — Roseanne [Perez Hilton]
• "Oprah has given us Swartzenegger [sic] and Dr. Phil. If that was not offensive enough to decent thinking people, now she brings us Obama." — Roseanne, again. [MSNBC]
• Janice Dickinson says her former fiancé, Sylvester Stallone, took steroids — and injected her with them as well. "He juiced me," she told Fox News. "I'd wake up and my arm was as big as Popeye." Ew. And yuck. [Page Six]
• Producer Scott Storch, once linked to both Lil' Kim and Paris Hilton, seems to be having money problems, and may owe almost half a million dollars in unpaid taxes. Maybe his friends can help? [Page Six]
• Kate Hudson is "happy being single" and not "interested in guys," says a source. Yes, but how long will it last? [Page Six]
• Did Oprah's eyes well up with tears while watching the scene in The Color Purple in which two characters find happiness after becoming lesbian lovers? [Page Six]
• Lady sings the blues: American Idol runner up Katharine McPhee has been dropped from her record label. [Rush & Molloy]
• Katie Holmes says Suri Cruise is "a very strong woman. She's actually teaching me a lot - probably more than I'm teaching her." Like how to say no to daddy? [People]
• Rosie O'Donnell has made up with her frenemy Elisabeth Hasselbeck. They've been emailing and Rosie sent EH a baby gift. [People]
• A man who was trying to extort a million dollars from Tom Cruise for copies of the actor's stolen wedding pictures has been sentenced to two years probation. [Reuters]
• Wesley Snipes made $37.9 million from 1999 to 2004 but failed to file his income taxes, uh-oh. The IRS does not mess around and Snipes will be on trial for tax fraud. [Reuters]
• The photographer Nicole Kidman testified against in December is still following her around; he's been snapping pix of the pregnant star in Sydney this week and says, "So what." Jeez. [Sydney Morning Herald]
• The man who was found naked in Nicolas Cage's L.A. home in October has been ordered to six months of drug rehab. [Reuters]
• And Nic just sold that house, for a record $35 million. Bad memories? [WSJ]
• Kanye West wants the 150 inch plasma screen TV seen at the Consumer Electronics Show. Who doesn't? [MSNBC]