OK!
"Charlie's Dream Wedding." Charlie Sheen wed Brooke Mueller at a private estate in Beverly Hills on May 30. He wore a Men's Wearhouse suit; she wore a white dress by Reem Acra. Brooke's friend sang the Beatles' "Let It Be" during the reception. Yawn. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan's sister Ali was heard giving Sam Ronson makeup tips at a restaurant. Reminder: She's 14, Sam is 30. Jessica Simpson is going to release the first single from her country album and might want Tony Romo to be in the video. Ashley Olsen has learned to smile (Fig. 1). The "curviest" bikini bodies are Pink, Blake Lively and Elisha Cuthbert. Lastly, Audrina from The Hills says, "I am not an attention whore. I am not going to release naked photos of myself just to get attention. I'd rather get different attention and be respected." Too late for that!
Grade: F (crackers)
Life & Style
"Birth Exclusive." Guess what? There is nothing exclusive in this story. Angelina has not had the twins yet, but she hasn't been photographed because she's resting after her busy Cannes schedule. Moving on: Instead of having the bodyguard drop off the kids with Britney, Kevin Federline did it himself! Like he has anything else to do. Oh, but Kevin is serious about his acting career: A pal says he's been offered several roles in films shooting abroad but can't go because of the custody situation, boo fucking hoo. The "Jessica Smiles Through The Pain" story is about how during a phone call with Tony Romo, he said he had to go and hung up on her. Stay strong! At Tom and Katie's housewarming party, the line to get in was "ridiculous," says a partygoer, "because Tom and Katie stood at the door in matching white outfits and greeted each guest as they came in." An insider claims George Clooney broke up with Sarah Larson because he has a short attention span. America's Next Top Model CariDee English denies the rumor that she tried to kill herself: Apparently she mixed anxiety pills with alcohol and made a brief stop-in at the hospital. Here's how Lance Armstrong stole Kate Hudson from Owen Wilson: He found out the things about Owen that bothered Kate and used them to his advantage. Lance wined and dined her (Owen is not romantic) and he went public with their relationship (with Owen, Kate always had to hide). Lastly: Knocked-up Ashlee Simpson is "struggling" with her figure, because duh, she is pregnant. But she's not even showing.
Grade: D (clear chicken broth)

Us
"How Dad Is Tearing Them Apart" Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo have a third person in their relationship and he is Papa Joe Simpson. This is not news. But! Pete Wentz was DJing an event and he gave a shout out to Joe: "Yo yo yo! This goes out to Joe Simpson, my new father-in-law." Then he played Huey Lewis' "The Power Of Love" and Papa said, "I feel the power of love for you, and everyone else should too." Jesus. Moving on: There's a pull-out chart called "Hollywood High: Who's Friends With Whom?" Angelina and Brad's circle overlaps with Nicole and Joel's! Jay-Z and Gwyneth Paltrow are buddies (Fig. 2)! Post- George Clooney breakup, Sarah Larson is "definitely not grieving", sources say. She was seen laughing and texting and hanging with Jessica Simpson. Also inside: SATC secrets: the "Love" keychain Louise gave Carrie was by H. Stern and costs $6,800 — making it far more expensive than the fugly $5,400 LV bag Carrie gave her. Oprah is on a vegan diet! She is not having sugar, alcohol caffeine or gluten, either.
Grade: D+ (carrot stick)

In Touch
"Jessica's Humiliating Betrayal." Jess is jealous because Tony talks to Carrie Underwood. Jessica and jealousy issues go hand in hand. Thrilling, right? Moving on: Harlow Madden has reconnected Joel and Nicole with their families. Baby power! Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have made $3 million in 2 years from "tacky magazine deals." Last week's Us cover where Heidi is wearing a veil and an undershirt earned her $350,000 — but she has to provide three more stories for the mag to get the cash. Speidi's music career, however, has earned zero dollars. Also inside: Angelina went to bed with orange juice with sugar to stabilize her glucose levels after fainting. She is always "collapsing." Post-pregnancy Christina Aguilera loves to party (Fig. 3)! Linda Hogan is dating a 19-year-old who used to clean the family boat. Minka Kelly is dating Derek Jeter, which means she may now have herpes.
Grade: C- (wilted salad)
Star
"Angie Collapses! Last Minute Panic!" You've gotta love how they are using this month-old picture of Angie sitting on the beach to illustrate her "collapse." But apparently she swooned and collapsed in the French chateau. Moving on: Kathy Griffin says she is a "space whore" because she used to live in a small apartment and as soon as she started making money, she bought the biggest house she could. Katherine Heigl is a "cyberchondriac" — she is addicted to WebMD. Hubs Josh is tired of her thinking she is sick all the time. Um, also, doesn't she work on a medical show? John Mayer gave Jennifer Aniston a Blackberry, and she found it to be a cheap and unromantic gift because his tour is sponsored by Blackberry. Blind item! "Which newlywed rocker is freaking out over his newly married state? He loves his wife, but think it's all happened too fast and friends don't know if he is really ready to be a committed husband." Shia LaBeouf's dad lives in Shia's garage on an air mattress. Nicole and Joel are planning a $2 million three-day wedding. It should happen on June 27-29. There will be a Pretty In Pink-themed bachelorette party and the bride will wear a champagne-hued gown. Also: After 24 years, is it time for Oprah to step down? There's a backlash! Ooh, crazy: Jamie Spears is offering $14.5 million to Kevin Federline if he will remarry Britney. Jamie thinks that Kevin is a stabilizing influence on Brit and "he completes her." Kevin is holding out for $20 million and no pre-nup. Good luck. Sarah Larson says she broke up with George Clooney because he runs hot and cold with her and she couldn't take it any more. Tom and Katie's housewarming had 600 cupcakes from Sprinkles, Katie's favorite bakery. Kenny Chesney is back with Allison Stewart, his longtime girlfriend who he was with when the news broke in 2005 that he'd married Renee Zellweger. That marriage ended in "fraud," which neither of them ever explained. Miley Cyrus is grounded for having a bad attitude, talking back and flirting on the internet with boys and older men. Normal behavior for a 15 year old? Lastly, there's a six page story on broken engagements, including Nicole Richie and DJ AM, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, David Moscow and Kerry Washington.
Grade: C (microwaved french fries)
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Us
"I'm Ready To Say 'I Do.'" Intern Sharon says, "You know how the New Yorker has a serialized novel? That is what this is like." Yes, Us is still pushing the idiotic soap opera that is Heidi and Spencer. The magazine printed six epic pages of interview with the loathsome Montag and Pratt. HighLowlights: Heidi says, "We were walking at sunset and he had a little picnic made for me, with chocolate-covered strawberries and Dom Perignon. It was pretty much a preproposal." Yes, that's right. A PREPROPOSAL. Even thought this couple has already been engaged. "He is ready to really propose to me, down on one knee, with the right ring," Heidi explains. "The other one failed. Why would we use a failed ring? A new ring means a fresh start, a fresh love and a fresh engagement. Plus, I didn't get to pick it out. I want something much bigger, and one that comes from the heart, not some purple thing." (Fig. 1) Ugh. These people are vile. Oh! And Heidi also says: "I want to perform at my wedding. It's a special song that I'm working on for Spencer." And she'd like U2 to be her wedding band. Also inside: Will Smith spent $1 million to fund a school that employs teaching techniques established by L. Ron Hubbard. But! His kids are home schooled. Lastly: When Pete Wentz said he was honeymooning in a basement, he was joking, you guys. He and Ashlee actually went to a resort in Turks And Caicos, in the Caribbean.
Grade: F, but a gold star for the over-the-top, predictable, almost campy romance novel cover story
OK!
"Brit's Private Mommy Moments."
Britney sometimes hangs out with her kids, and they like it. Brit has been reading self-help books like Jack Canfield's Key To Living The Law Of Attraction: A Simple Guide To Creating The Life Of Your Dreams. She is also maybe dating her William Morris Agent Jason Trawick. Also inside: Are Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz getting a reality show? It will be like sister Jessica's Newlyweds. Footage includes a dinner where everyone toasts to business ventures but Ashlee toasts to jewelry. Ha. There's a poll called "Who Looks Better Bald" (Fig. 2) and no one likes Cameron Diaz's head. Angelina and Brad's new house has an organic vineyard, so expect the couple to take up winemaking! Intern Sharon says, "They're so Stuff White People Like."
Grade: D- with demerits for being boring
In Touch
"Brad Fears For The Babies" Angelina was having early contractions, so she and Brad had to call the hospital. She was barely 26 weeks at the time. She's scheduled to have a C-section July 11. There was drama at a Toys R Us near Cannes because Angelina wanted to shop but Brad thought she should be resting. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan is with Sam Ronson after "turbulent relationships with men" because you know, shitty dudes can make chicks gay! Sam wants to marry Lindsay and makes sure she stays sober, aww. Jamie Lynn's baby daddy Casey doesn't want to sign a pre-nup, uh-oh! Good news for "fans" of her "music": Paris Hilton is working on a new album. It will, of course, be "edgier." Benji Madden is helping, naturally, and Paris says, "It's a lot more of dance music that you want to hear in a club."
Grade: D- with detention and three days in a dunce cap for constant fake baby jeopardy "news"
Life & Style
"Shiloh's Lonely World." Shiloh Jolie-Pitt has "been throwing tantrums and crying a lot," the mag claims. Um, she is two; that's par for the course. A source says she wants to be the baby and sleep with mom and dad. Again, not a crime at her age. When Angie takes her shopping and asks "Shi" to pick something out for the twins, Shi throws a fit. Moving on: Lindsay and Sam are sooo in love. A source says Sam's open about her sexuality and she was finally able to convince Lindsay that being a couple is nothing to be embarrassed about. Sweet. Britney's got a "major crush" on her agent, Jason Trawick. He was in Costa Rica with her recently. "He cares about her and wants her to succeed, but he's not interested in her romantically," a source spills. Jamie Lynn is being watched because she MIGHT have preeclampsia. Or not. Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong danced to '80s music and made out all over Cannes. The people who are making Point Break: Indo want Patrick Swayze to be in it. Jessica Alba married Cash Warren because she was praying for her baby and realized it was important to "do the right thing." Madonna says, "I'm not against plastic surgery, I'm against discussing it." Lastly: Is it offensive or just weird that a caption on "Hollywood's Tan Secrets" reads: "A deep tan makes Adrienne look exotic"? (Fig 3). Ms. Bailon, of Cheetah Girls fame, is Puerto Rican, born in New York.
Grade: D, bonus points for Madonna quote, points deducted for fake Shiloh drama story

Star
Absent from class. Info available online, but that's just not the same, is it?

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Us
"How I Got My Body Back!" Christina Aguilera's boobs are huge. She is an E cup. She quit eating white bread and Skittles. She works out 5 days a week. Moving on: Holly Madison was unsuccessful in her attempt to get pregnant by Hugh Hefner, so she is looking for a Hef-esque sperm donor who is creative, hot, and has dark hair. Any takers? At Ashlee Simpson's wedding to Pete Wentz, the couple's first dance music was "First Day Of My Life" by Bright Eyes.
Grade: F- (mouse droppings)


OK!
"Four Weeks To Go!" Here's news you can use: Angelina is going to have a C-section delivery of her twins. The mag says one out of about 100 C-section scars will "come apart during the birthing process." Vom. The French press has jokingly started referring to Angie as "Wonder Woman" because they can't understand how the knocked up mom has the energy to go on boat rides, helicopter trips and premieres in Cannes. Also inside: As mentioned in Dirt Bag this morning, a former Starbucks barista claims to have put whole milk in all of Mary-Kate's "skinny" lattes without telling her. Lastly: Ten pages of "The 50 Hottest (And Shirtless!) Guys on the Planet." Matt Lauer, Prince Harry and Will Smith are honored. David Beckham wins the No. 1 spot.
Grade: F+ (moth larvae)


Life & Style
"Angelina's $20 Million Twins!" We heard this news already, but here it is again: Between the security and medical costs, mansion rental fees, and helicopters, Angelina and Brad are spending about $20 million in preparation for her birth. But they might get $10 million for selling pix of the twins. Moving on: Jennifer Aniston has "met" John Mayer's "family" — she had dinner with John, his brother Ben and Ben's girlfriend. Next: A guest says Ashlee and Pete's wedding "looked like the set of a Tim Burton movie;" they had leafless black trees for decoration. Ashlee walked down the aisle to The Beatles' "Blackbird." Next: Instead of her family, Katie Holmes is planning a "career comeback" by starring in All My Sons on Broadway. Tom is fine with it. Mariah Carey tells the mag that she and Nick Cannon are "interested in having kids. It's in the cards." Can't wait! Britney "ran away from her problems" to the country of Costa Rica. Mel Gibson had her to his house there; they used to be neighbors in Malibu. Brit spent her four-day vacay smoking, sipping bottled water and Coca-Cola. Meanwhile, Jamie Lynn Spears is endangering her fetus. Again. "It's very dangerous for a woman in her third trimester to be riding an ATV," says a doctor who does not treat her. Nicole Richie says baby Harlow has saved her life. She's gone from super thin to curvy mom; from DUI charged to driving school, from clubbing to strolling. Lastly: Don't worry about Liv Tyler and her troubled marriage: "I'm a tough cookie," she says.
Grade: F++ (period panties)


In Touch
"Wedding Drama" The story is called "Jessica's Wedding Pain" and details how she and Tony Romo held hands and talked but things seem strained. But after downing some champagne, Jess dragged Tony onto the dancefloor. There's a list of all the ways Jessica ruined her relationship with Tony: She called too much, she was a groupie, she was too open, they spent too much time together, she was a showoff, she wasn't busy. Next: Angelina plans to have three more kids after the twins. Friends think she is addicted to motherhood. One doctor thought that she weighed 20 lbs. less than she should for a woman carrying twins. Also inside: Britney's been getting advice from Mel Gibson on business and encouraging her to reconnect with her faith. Jamie-Lynn's top baby name choice is Emma Jean. Colin Farrell is "scary skinny." (Fig. 1) Is Nick Mariah's new assistant? He walked her to the ladies room and waited outside the door at a restaurant recently. (Intern Sharon says, "He's her bitch.")
Grade: D (a penny)


Star
"55 Best And Worst Beach Bodies" We've said it before but we'll say it again: We fucking hate the fact that this magazine puts women's bodies under the microscope. No talk about talent or ideas! Just cellulite. Which is like having poor vision or a receding hairline: It's biological, it develops, you can't do a damn thing about it. Plus! As Intern Sharon points out, the "best" bodies often belong to girls like Brooke Hogan and Rumer Willis, who have not yet hit the age of 21. So Star can kiss our dimpled asses. This seemingly-endless 18-page photo-driven story includes men and couples. You can't have a little bulge (Denise Richards) and you can't be too thin (Nicky Hilton). It's like that song from The Wiz: You can't win, and you can't get out of the game. Moving on: Nikki Cox has ruined her face. (Fig 2.) One site says she looks like the Sea Monkey mom. Gisele Bundchen says, "I'm a workaholic, so I get up at 8 am and I go to bed late. I don't go to clubs, I don't do drugs, sometimes I feel like a nun or something." Aww, poor thing. Would you ever consider having plastic surgery when you're older? "No way!" Haha. Tell that to her old nose. Or old boobs. Was Eva Mendes in rehab for a movie? She landed a new role as a Spanish drug lord. Beyoncé is making a guest appearance on Desperate Housewives, yawn. Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong: It's on! "He's already bought her a bicycle," says a source. Jessica "ruined" Ashlee's wedding by being pouty and knocking back champagne. Plus, she kind of had to beg Tony to take her, as he'd promised. Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have a "wild sex life!" A source says, "He covers her with whipped cream, which he licks off, tickles her with feathers and uses ice cubes to give her goosebumps." (This made Intern Sharon uncomfortable.) Jen may be going on tour with John in Copenhagen in June. Lastly: Angelina doesn't want Brad's mom Jill present at the birth of the twins because she has a big mouth and tries to tell Angie how to raise her kids.
Grade: C-, downgraded to F- for cover story (favorite sweater that ends up being moth-eaten)

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