I didn't, although I did have menstrual cramps! This I learned from an actual, human doctor, who wearily suggested that I not consult the Internet to identify symptoms anymore. "It makes our jobs harder...well, and easier," she conceded. Because at least there's also an upswing in people feeling really relieved when they find out they've mis-diagnosed themselves!

Says the Telegraph, "Increasing numbers of people (48 per cent) say that they have used the internet to find out more about an illness according to a report by Ofcom, the media regulator. The research found women are more likely to do so, with 53 per cent admitted to looking online for medical advice, in a trend has become known was ‘Dr Google'."

Please, Dr. Google's a charlatan. All the best people go to Dr. WebM.D.'s practice. Hello, he's an M.D.! But, oddly enough, the same survey found that the diagnoses left people "worried and confused." Okay, hypochondria aside, there are times when I've found web-related medical stuff helpful: message boards and FAQ pages for birth control and medication's side effects, a migraine support group that made me feel like I had it easy! In these cases, the sense of not being alone, of finding out that things were normal, was indeed comforting. And obviously, the net is a font of homeopathic wisdom!

The problem, of course, is when it enables hypochondria. All those "see a doctor immediately" advisories are probably legally advisable - and if they've forced anyone to take something deadly seriously, well terrific. (And you can't help thinking a little light web-surfing might have been a good idea for some of those "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" dames TLC is always rounding up.) But I'm guessing the vast majority of people with something very wrong know something's very wrong. And if they're not the sort to go running to the net for the slightest sniffle, chances are they'll be calling a doctor with the other hand anyway. The problem, too, is that it's very tricky to actually tell what's wrong from listing symptoms - most of which can presage something serious anyway. Is there anything really wrong with self-diagnoses? Well, not, I suppose, if you get a real second opinion - ergo, if you have great insurance. Otherwise, yes, reading that you might - or might not! - in fact have meningitis is indeed pretty stressful. As my doctor said, "a little knowledge is a dangerous thing." Or at least, annoying.

Half Of Women Are Diagnosing Themselves Online, Says Ofcom [Telegraph]

The area we're dealing with today is the abdomen. On WebMD you can choose the upper abdomen, lower abdomen or the whole enchilada, heh heh. We're going whole hog. Our symptoms? Uh, "bloating or fullness," "distended stomach" and hmm, "swelling." That covers us, anyway. Kidding! La Lopez looks totally swollen.

So, with these symptoms we have a total of 20 possible conditions we could be suffering from. Constipation, gas pains, indigestion, insect bites, kidney disease, PMS, etc. We can't vouch for Jenny but ours isn't PMS. What else could it be? How about gastroenteritis?

Gastroenteritis is a condition that causes irritation and inflammation of the stomach and intestines (the gastrointestinal tract). An infection may be caused by bacteria or parasites in spoiled food or unclean water. Many people experience vomiting and diarrhea...

Gallstones form when cholesterol and other things found in bile make stones. They can also form if the gallbladder does not empty as it should.

Most people who have gallstones do not have symptoms.

Symptom Checker [WebMD]

Earlier: Paging Dr. Jezebel: Does Amy Winehouse Have A Rare Blood Disease?
Paging Dr. Jezebel: Amy Winehouse Needs Another Appointment
Oh No: Does Amy Winehouse Have Syphilis?

Yeah, we kind of can't believe we're doing this, either. But look! Something is up "down there." The symptom checker informs us that this location is called the inguinal area. And what are the symptoms? Um, swelling? Maybe? Could be cellulitis. "A common infection of the skin and soft tissues under the skin." People at risk include those with "circulatory problems such as inadequate blood flow to the limbs" and also "liver disease." Hmm, possible. But let's try again.
It's more of a lump or a bulge, no? Is it localized to the vaginal area? Um, kind of. And we don't know if it's made worse by bowel movements, but our results are still horrifying: inguinal hernia? Hmm... probably not. Abscess? Ugh. It doesn't seem that bad. Swollen glands? Not exactly. There's only one item left on the list: Syphilis.
"Anyone who comes into close physical contact with a person who has syphilis can develop syphilis. You don't have to have sexual intercourse to get syphilis — exposure can result from contact with an infected person's genitals, mouth, or rectum." Oh, great. What else? Primary stage: open sores. Secondary stage: skin rash. Latent stage: No symptoms, also called the "hidden stage." Late (tertiary) stage: If untreated, syphilis causes heart disorders, mental disorders, blindness and death. Also "syphilis is one of the most common reportable infectious diseases in the United States." You know what? We're really, really, really sorry we asked. Thank god there was no close-up of Blake's crotch, though.

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Paging Dr. Jezebel... Amy Winehouse Needs Us, STAT!
Related: WebMD

[Baltimore, MD; August 4. Image via Splash]

After selecting "arm", then "upper arm", then "armpit" and clicking on "lump or bulge", WebMD gave us two choices: "Abscess" or "Swollen Glands". We hit "Swollen Glands". Nothing! So we went back and clicked on "Abscess". Bingo! According to WebMD, an abscess is a mass "generally surrounded by a colored area from pink to deep red" and "full of pus and debris". Pus we get, but debris? As in coffee grounds, dried-up leaves & urine-stained upholstery?We clicked through to view the "full article" and learned more:

The most common sites are in your armpits (axillae), areas around your anus and vagina (Bartholin gland abscess), the base of your spine (pilonidal abscess), around a tooth (dental abscess), and in your groin. Inflammation around a hair follicle can also lead to the formation of an abscess, which is called a boil (furuncle).

As some abscesses progress, they may "point" and come to a head so you can see the material inside and then spontaneously open (rupture). Most will continue to get worse without care. The infection can spread to the tissues under the skin and even into the bloodstream. If the infection spreads into deeper tissue, you may develop a fever and begin to feel ill.

Abscess [WebMD]
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Paging Dr. Jezebel... Amy Winehouse Needs Us, STAT!

We click "head," and then "nose," and are faced with several choices: Pain or discomfort, runny nose, drainage or pus, nosebleed, nasal congestion or difficulty breathing. Hmm. Tough one! Hard to tell if Amy's in any pain. And it's not exactly a discharge. But if something is up there, she must be congested or have trouble breathing. Let's try congested.

Okay ! Nine conditions associated with that symptom: Congestion, hay fever, acute sinusitis, indoor allergens, nasal polyps, foreign object in the nose — wait! That might be the problem! No need to forge ahead to nonallergic rhinitis, whooping cough or ricin poisoning. Back to 'foreign objects'. "The nose is a surprisingly deep space," WebMD informs us. "Only the imagination limits the objects and circumstances that result in things getting stuck inside the nose." Hmmm. Does Amy have an overactive imagination? "Common objects found in noses include food material, tissue paper, beads, toys and rocks." That's it, it must be a rock. A small white rock. Right? So, what should Amy do? "An object that is simply stuck in the nose and not causing other symptoms can usually wait until morning or the following day for removal. The object does, however, have to be completely removed quickly and without discomfort and danger." Hear that, Amy? You can make an appointment for tomorrow! Everything is going to be just fine.

What's Up With Amy Winenose? [TheSun]
Symptom Checker [WebMD]
Earlier: Paging Dr. Jezebel... Amy Winehouse Needs Us, STAT!

The Sun made this delectable closeup of Amy's icky bump. (We zoomed in on the original pic but couldn't see it!)

WebMD's symptom checker says it could be one of several horrible problems! "Skin cysts: noncancerous, closed pockets of tissue that can be filled with fluid, pus, or other material." Like what, silk? Cotton? It could be a cyst, but what about the black crusty thing? Next! "Cherry angioma, a smooth cherry-red bump." Nope! "Dermatofibromas: harmless, round, red-brownish-" Well, her thing is more like back to black. Next? "Epidermoid cysts, also called sebaceous cysts, are non-cancerous skin cysts formed from blocked oil glands on the skin. Most commonly, epidermoid cysts are found on the genitals," EWWW, "trunk and back; but they can also occur in other areas. In general, epidermoid cysts have a round appearance, A dark portion of the cyst is visible on the skin." DING DING DING! we have a winner! What else? "If the cysts become infected, they will become red and tender. When the cysts are squeezed, they can produce a cheesy white discharge." (Blergh!!!)

So what should Amy do??? "The effective treatment of epidermoid cysts requires that the sac of the cyst be completely removed. If the cyst is squeesed and the discharge forced out, the cyst will reappear." Hear that, Amy? Stop squeezing it! "A doctor will be able to remove the cyst by making only a small incision in the skin." Oh, and see a doctor!!!

Pals' Web Plea To Winehouse [The Sun]
Sexually Transmitted Infections Soar [DailyMail]
WebMD

Endometriosis? We have it already! Gas pains? Always and often! Herpes? Haha: We'll never tell! PMS? Good to know you people at WebMD are always on the fucking ball!

WebMD
Symptoms Found For Early Check On Ovary Cancer [NYTimes]

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WebMD

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