The kid will be fine! In the extremely unlikely event that she falls out of the kayak, what is she going to do, sink like a stone? Our dad used to drive us around with a big old snifter of cognac in the front seat of the car (on the gearshift, actually!), and we turned out fine. If TMZ wants to be in the child-protecting business they can go right on down to our local Target, take some photos of the parents there whacking their kids, and call Child Services on them.

Courteney And David Pull A Britney? [TMZ]

Take the magazine's regular front-of-book feature 'Shopping Deconstructed' — seen at right — which purports to explain to readers why being fashionable costs so damn much. The August installment breaks down a pair of Diesel 'Rancho Deluxe' jeans, presenting an insider's view of the stitching, fabric, and little details that make the 'Rancho Deluxe', so, well, luxe. (Check out the video accompaniment to the feature here; is it just us or does shopping editor Zoe Glassner get a slightly-scary second-degree from Marie Claire's editor in chief, Joanna Coles?) The implication of 'Shopping Deconstructed' is that, with a few well-placed call-outs, Marie Claire can prove there's a good reason why anyone should want — nevermind spend — over half a grand on a pair of denim pants. "Rust-colored ferric oxide lends a patina of bygone luxury to the inside lining" explains one call-out. "Each all-metal (no nickel) zipper tooth is polished by hand" says another.

Well, congratulations to Diesel designers for their unabashed creativity — yes, we own a few pairs! — but honestly, so what? Fashion editors can gush about handiwork and "airdrying" and "four-hour" washes and "antique" treatments until they turn blue in the face. Doing so still doesn't mean — or prove — anything. The problem remains that women's magazine editors who purport to "serve the reader" often do exactly the opposite, even with stories as seemingly benign but inherently dishonest as 'Shopping Deconstructed'. In fact, due to their fear of taking a stand against expensive shit, editors send a tacit message of approval to advertisers that they can continue to push overpriced consumer goods down everyone's throats. Because when the majority of the fashions featured in a magazine fall on the outrageous end of the price scale — and yes, Marie Claire shows some "cheaper" jeans in a denim feature in the same issue, although the average price of those jeans is still a whopping $153 — that majority becomes the new "normal". And yet there's nothing normal about $550 jeans (o $153 jeans, really) no matter what Marie Claire editors, assorted Hollywood style 'icons', or the executives at Diesel, Habitual, or Miss Sixty would have us to believe. Maybe it's time for magazines like Marie Claire to just drop the charade altogether and subtitle their fashion features "For Average Household Incomes Of $100,000 And Up". At least then they'd be honest to readers and keep the class-conscious luxury advertisers happy at the same time.

The Masthead With Marie Claire: Episode 14 [MarieClaire]

On May 14, Heidi and Spencer spoke to In Touch about the L.C.-Heidi "feud", with no official comment from L.C. In Touch featured a box about who was winning the "war" between them (pages 40-41).

Then on May 21, InTouch also ran "candid" shots of Spencer and Heidi frolicking on the beach, replete with enhancements, describing the couple as "so-in-love" (page 12). The same week, Life & Style announced the results of a poll of readers as to whether they believed Heidi had received cosmetic surgery, thus injecting an element of doubt into the procedure that by all accounts did not actually exist, with an accompanying boob-beach-frolicking photo (page 64).

On May 28, Life & Style chose to print another batch of "candid" love-bird photos wherein Heidi and Spencer wore matching shirts and rode roller coasters ("so in love!"). In the accompanying text, Heidi was quoted saying the "doesn't think there is one thing [she] doesn't love about Spencer" (page 42).

Always eager to demonstrate their devoted readership, on June 4 Life & Style printed a picture of Heidi "candidly" reading an issue of the magazine, neglecting that she might have been reading it because she was also on the fucking cover (page 18).

And finally this week, Life & Style runs a photo of Heidi and Spencer at a pediatric AIDS benefit that apparently The Hills co-star Lauren Conrad attended as well. Spencer also announces that he and Heidi are going to Cabo San Lucas (page 13) for what will no doubt be a "so in love!" vacation under the sun. It would be nice to say we wish the couple a relaxing sojourn south of the border, but you know what? We're not always nice and we don't. In fact, we hope the two contract a particularly virulent strain of Montezuma's Revenge and crap themselves in full view of the assembled paparazzi there to record their every fucking move.

Earlier: Jennifer Aniston's New Boyfriend: A Bigger Prick Than Vince Vaughn?

This guy thinks he has any authority with regards to what constitutes mature behavior? Or women in general? Yeah, his daughter Ivanka turned out okay, but every time this blowhard has something negative to say about a woman, he invariably insults her physical appearance, femininity or personality. And of course, it's the opposite when he likes a woman, such as his own daughter, whose physical attributes he recently waxed poetic over. You know, as opposed to her fucking .
Trump's 'Lady' Comes To Fox [Variety]
Trump Skewers Stewart In Open Letter [People]
Trump: Miss USA Tara Conner Not Fired [People]
The Donald And Rosie: Pas De Dreck [Washington Post]

There's some cute stuff on display, do be sure. Like these shoes, which of course, don't go above a size 10. But until someone clues us in as to how to shop this retailer (and how it makes any money) we'll stick to our usual routine of hurling its damn catalog across the room.

"I think it's the end of those last few pounds, I hope," she said. "It probably won't happen until I stop breastfeeding!"

Marcia Cross: Baby Weight Is Almost Gone [People]
Related: Pregnancy And The Voguette [ViewFromTheFourthRow]

[Los Angeles, May 31; Image via FilmMagic]